What's wrong with me?

[Put the kettle on]

It’s our first Christmas without him and I miss him,I miss being a family. I’m thinking anyone is better than no one. I can’t get him out of my head. He’s making sure I find out how great this life is even though we’re no contact. I feel like I’ve gone back months emotionally and cry a lot. How do I get him out of my head? We were together a long time. He’s very subtle but does stuff to get in my head but then I wonder if I’m too sensitive like he said. It’s like my brain is sure he’s bad put my heart’s broken all over again because I’m missing him. I’m annoyed with myself for missing him. I’m doubting myself, should I have just stayed and tried harder to make it work? It must be me, it must be my fault

[fizzylem]

Its understandable and natural that you’re missing him, missing the fun times, grieving for the future you hoped you’d have together, but you don’t miss the toxicity right? I found it’s pretty healthy to allow myself to grieve and to miss him, to be honest with myself about how I was feeling, to accept these feelings, to allow them in and thus to fade. But I also found it helpful once I had done this to redress the balance and write a list of all the horrid things he’s done and to re read this list and sometimes add to it – everytime I missed him. Left me knowing that this was the right decision, and more sad about how things have turned out than a longing for things to be different.

He has also involved my child, she has been emotionally abused as well and suffered, so I can’t forgive him for that as he has robbed her of being free to be a child and hindered her growth and development.

It does pass, the trick is to ride it out and do nothing.

I’m always suspicious of everyone posting pics and things ‘of their best life’, it’s a snapshot and there is a lot more going on in real life. I am especially suspicious of these men when they do things like this – you know that wherever he is and whoever he is with there will be stress and problems for these folk when he is in their lives. Is there anyway you can block this? It really is better not to know if we can – it helps while we gain strength and heal. One day you’ll get to feeling I couldn’t care less – you’ll see – feel thankful it’s no longer you and pity those who suffer him.

Stay strong PTKO, it’s the time of year where we can’t help but reflect, look at where we are – NY is on the way, and this is a good time to make plans and think about how you’d like life to be next, out with the old and in with the new. You dont want a miserable life do you, next year you can take it back! Get things how you really want them to be – find peace and contentment x

[Anonymous]

Nostalgia is a b*tch this time of year. My emotions are already all over the place and perfect couples having prosecco by the log fire everywhere don’t help. But for me it was never actually like that. Not for more than 2 minutes before something would displease it and then game over. Just riding out the storm – Christmas Day or any other day.
Cheers to us solo warriors xx

[Put the kettle on]

Thank you for replying, I have done a list already – it’s a long list pages long. Christmas without him was more emotional than I expected but I can definitely recognise all the good parts me and our child had because he wasn’t with us. Reading that others on here feel the same way makes me feel less alone in what I’m going through

[Lavenderrose]

Just want you to know that you’re not alone in how you’re feeling. I too am struggling some months down the line when I thought I had come to terms with it all. It’s so consuming! I know exactly what he’s done and is continuing to do yet I still can’t shake it off. I do of course realise that going back would never be an option. I feel constantly punished by him for leaving, he hates me. I don’t know if I’m feeling this way and it’s genuine or fake? Was it even love anyway? As others have said before love should not hurt!
Trying to move on is hard, feeling are all over the place but I am going to see if I can maybe have counseling and I’ve also got a few books to read.
Sorry I don’t think I’ve helped much but apparently the way we are feeling is normal. I hope it gets better for you and your children xx

[Put the kettle on]

Ps. I too am questioning the love LR, my ex hates me yet I feel bad for him. It is very consuming I feel like I’ve made progress and then I’m back to missing him, feeling it’s all my fault. Your post did help, I feel less alone and like someone understands. Sending hugs

[siba]

I made a list of all his faults and whenever I feel like this I just need to glance at it to remind me how bad things really were. Sometimes our brains dont tell us the truth when we’re feeling lonely. You need to work on being happy on your own before getting with anyone. Have you tried counselling?

[Put the kettle on]

Hi, yeah I’m getting counselling and it’s helpful. I try to remember what my counselor says, but the sadness and missing him feels overwhelming at times. Maybe it’s reality setting in, we’re really over. I know that’s good in many ways we’re over but it’s so hard. We’ve been together for a long time.

The list usually works to remind me how bad he was but lately it’s not, I’m asking myself am I just too sensitive. Even when I read the worst bits he did I think it’s my fault he did it. I feel bad he’s missed Christmas as a family with us. I know christmas wouldn’t have been as calm and relaxed if he was here, my heads just all confused.

I don’t have a great social life, I’m trying to make friends but I don’t seem to fit in and others fit in straight away, I do notice how people behave differently to fit in and I’m not going to do that, yes I’m lonely but I’m going to be myself.

I’m sorry you ladies are feeling the same, it’s a horrible thing to go through. Sending you all hugs

[Courage157]

It takes years to recover… its been a while for me yet I still get pulled back at the slightest. When you have to deal with them for handovers, you never really are given a chance to forget what they did. It just gets easier over time in how you deal with and cope with it all. X

[standtogether]

Just to add another story to the many reassuring ones, that we are not alone.

I too have missed him this Christmas. Despite him sending horrible messages and threatening me with legal action. I miss our family and the possibilities of that future I idealised.

Despite having horrible Christmas’s before I left, I still find it so hard we will never have one together.

He also has a girlfriend now which hurts to think how he is love bombing her at the moment and that time when we started that I missed the most and hoped would come back, he is doing with someone else. Although I do know he will do the same to her and I do feel for her future.

I have hope that time will help these things fade. Please keep being yourself. Just getting out there and doing something you love might help and you may meet more like minded people! Quality is better than quantity. Big hugs.x

[Fulmar]

You’re not alone! It’s my first Christmas without him and it has been HARD. So much harder than I thought it was going to be. Didn’t help that (removed by moderator). Thanks guys. It took a good half hour before I could summon up my inner grown-up and be happy for them. Obviously I am happy for them. Just feel they could have waited till after Christmas to drop that one….so I spent Christmas Eve crying in the kitchen with my mum telling me it would be okay and I’d find someone. Too hard to explain that I wasn’t crying about that. I was crying because I don’t understand what is wrong with me and what on earth I did to deserve the hell I’d been through.

I realise that what I miss are dreams I had of a loving, committed relationship. The realities always hit like a sucker punch and I feel physically ill at the idea of being that intimate with anyone ever again – or trusting anyone ever again.

The most important thing now is looking after yourself and doing things at YOUR pace and on YOUR terms. They take that autonomy away from us. It is important to reclaim that and build from there. One thing I have learned is that the wonderful ladies here will always have support to offer. Sending hugs too x

[Put the kettle on]

Thank you for sharing your feelings too, it helps to know I’m not alone. It’s surprising how it’s like we’re all talking about the same person, they do the same things, we’re going through the same things. I’d forgotten (or blocked out) about something he used to do and I read on someone else’s thread about their partner behaving a certain way and it brought loads of memories back, it actually helped to remind me of how bad he was. It made me miss him that bit less

[Author]

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