When and how to stop fighting to keep him away

[KIP.]

After long bail conditions and a restraining order at the moment. There must come a time when I have to accept I cannot use the law to keep him away. How do you keep these men out of your life. Is it just a waiting game till they get in touch again and we just have to keep saying ‘no’ until it sinks in? They have no boundaries and feel so entitled? Does it get easier and less scary. I can see why women move town although I’m desperate not to do that but making a stand takes its toll mentally.

[Ayanna]

You could ask the court to give him a lifelong restraining order.
You can call the police anytime he comes near you. Call 999 and say you feel very scared of him.
Then wait how often he tries this.
If he tries it via agencies and third parties you can tell those that you need to be left alone. Tell everybody you want to be left alone and this must be respected.
I had a go at a few people who tried something. There were occasions when I yelled in the phone that they must leave me alone. They had enough of me soon and left me alone and he lost that kind of support.

[Serenity]

Hi KIP,

You have more ammunition than me, as you have more actual evidence of his abuse, whereas my ex was very clever in hiding his tracks.

I think you might have a better chance of using the law to keep him away from you than I have.

However, I will say that I feel the law is an a*s. Many people tell me to go back to court, involve the police, social services etc, but I know that these are people who don’t know the real nature of my ex, are at risk of believing his lies and so there is a chance of it all backfiring.

Yes, it does take its toll mentally. I’ve been not too good this week.

But though I have had a wobble this week, generally I am able to pass him without reacting. Which he must hate. I tell myself I can’t show the slightest reaction, as it will be ammunition to him. And generally, I have been able to cut myself off and feel indifferent if I see him. Whether this is a self-protective mechanism, I don’t know.

Though I have private wobbles, I never let him see me scared.

I think I have had to come to the realisation that the law won’t mollycoddle me. That I need to be clever about it. Collect evidence, don’t show him any reaction, try to fill my days with positive things and good purpose and good people, which will all strengthen me. I try to remain ‘Grey Rock’- that is my tactic.

I hope that by doing this and playing the long game, he will shrivel up without his supply of drama and will scuttle away. No reaction, no power. They hate not getting a reaction. I can’t even let my kids know I have registered his abuse. If he knew I was affected, it would spur him on to do more.

Like Ayanna says, you can retaliate in your own way. Play your own games.

I can understand the lure of moving away. Maybe I will want to move away when the kids are older, to start over miles from where he is. But I really don’t know if geographical distance is the solution or not.

X*x

[Confused123]

Hi Hun

I beleive that they will get the message tempoarily and we have to keep reporting them and getting harrassement orders issued, they only learn this way,us ignoring does work but they just carry on as they are bored and get a kick getting a reaction out of us no matter how long they have to wait

[Author]

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