When does it end?

[BettyBoo333]

I left my husband not too long ago. We have children so have to see each other unfortunately.

He’s a n********t and been gaslighting me for years as well as emotional and sexual abuse.

Some days are better than others but my low days are so low. I crave to feel loved. I still want his approval and constantly feel confused and upset.

I’m withdrawing away from friends as I feel they don’t understand and am tired of life and tired of having to feel like I have to explain everything.

Some days I can feel in control and empowered other days I feel like used trash and desperate for someone to make me feel special and loved.

I hate living like this. I hate having these intense highs and lows and I just don’t know where to turn anymore.

I am already seeing a counsellor which is great but it’s the rest of the time.

[KIP.]

Hi, recover for me was very much like the cycle of abuse. Round and round. Good days, anxiety riddled days and then hitting a brick wall. Then pick myself up and start again. You do not have to have direct contact with him and I strongly recommend you work on zero direct contact. Use a third part or contact centre for hand over. Use a third party for contact via email. Get a legal contact order in place so that he can’t keep the kids or mess you about with visitation. It’s good you have counselling. Hopefully she will be telling you things like mindfulness, write down three positive things each day. Any contact with an abuser is toxic. Google trauma bonding. That explains the feeling of still being drawn to him for comfort. Leaving an abuser is like breaking an addiction. You need zero contact and taking back control of this should help stabilise things. Knowing you don’t have to ever face him again x further down the line when you’re fully recovered and can handle his behaviour then you can revisit this but till you’re strong enough he will continue his hold over you x and hold back your recovery x

[KIP.]

To be honest it won’t end until you have no contact with him. While there is any contact at all he will continue his abuse. His contact with his children needs to be very closely watched and monitored and he will use them to continue his abuse. Everything and everyone is collateral damage. N*********s care only about themselves and their own needs being met. They will start a smear campaign to discredit us so when their own abuse is exposed, they’re got their own story out there. They will also play the victim. Zero contact means zero mind games x

[hop]

I still find myself behaving a certain way to appease him. Even if he’ll never know. I worry about anything I do having a knock on negative affect to my last child who has to go there. Since the less contact I have with him the better it gets. I need none at all but he gives our child a hard time because I’ve blocked his number so I worry what will happen. It takes a long time I time to undo what took a long time to programme in. Take care you’ll make it x

[KIP.]

Hey freedomfries, he will always use your children against you. I think the trick is to empower your child instead of giving in to the emotional blackmail from your abuser. Six months after my abuser left I was still moving stuff around the house because I knew he would be angry so what you’re feeling is the aftermath of abuse. Everything I did went through a filter to see what he would do or how he would react. It took great courage to ignore that filter, to forge my own path ahead and to be prepared to face any of the consequences from him. Which were mostly hot air. But we are so brainwashed by them. That’s why total zero contact is the only way to go. If your child sees that’s it’s okay to cut abusers from your life, perhaps it will make it easier for them too when the time comes to say enough is enough, even if you’re my dad, you don’t deserve to treat me badly x it’s a long hard mental slog but my ex was just a pathetic coward and bully. Underneath he was a scared insecure little n**********c man. Good riddance to bad rubbish x

[Author]

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