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Hey, so my ex and I separated (detail removed by moderator) ago after he put me through hell. Every time I think I feel a bit better I find myself a snivelling wreck wondering how it got to this and how and when will I feel better. Yesterday a friend told me he’d confirmed he was in a relationship after (detail removed by moderator) of us separating. (detail removed by moderator)!! He put me through a living nightmare and I’m trying to pick up the pieces everyday and he’s out having a great time with someone new. It makes me feel so worthless and is a really big kick in the stomach. I also feel sick for her or other future partners and what he might do to them. Any advice to help me out, I’m really struggling right now xx
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So sorry you’ve opened up one of my wounds it hurts it does but know if he’s already in a relationship she was already their and don’t feel bad for her she might have known about you.you don’t owe anyone your tears .my ex was with someone whilst with me for 10 years and it hurts it stings we had children together and he was even planning a baby with her .if you haven’t got kids you dodged a bullet .try use this time to focus on you.all my love
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It’s not an easy process unfortunately because there are so many complex and conflicting emotions when you leave an abusive relationship and much of what you are feeling might not makes sense to you at the moment.
Go with it, my lovely, and give yourself time to grieve and recover.
Talk on the forum and perhaps have a think about whether counselling might help.
He won’t be having a great time with his new gf. Abusers don’t know how to have a great time. Whatever impression he presents to the outside world, he’ll be struggling to navigate a new relationship. He’s got to start the grooming process all over again now and he’ll be exhausting himself testing out her weak spots. Abusers are never, ever happy!
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Hi LookingUp
Sorry for your living nightmare. All of it is so much to understand and process. It can sometimes help to realise, yes, he will keep doing this, that what you experienced will be his treatment of others also. The common denominator is him. You however, will be able to have a different experience, a better experience with a different partner. This is because abuse is all about him, not you. You have managed to escape him, and his next victim is now undergoing what you went through, and so it will go on until he is stopped, which sadly, mostly, they are not, because the process is so fraught and difficult to go through.
Take your time, and do all you can to lift yourself, soothe and treat yourself to the good things of life.
You know what he is and what he’s done, he won’t be showing that to a new partner initially, he will be putting her through the tactics to entrap her.
The less you know about him the better for your complete separation and recovery. There’s quite a lot to process after leaving and as abuse is complex, there can be many unanswered questions and worries and I hope you feel free to ask all you need to help you keep moving forward.
warmest wishes
ts
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He’s not out having fun, he’s deeply broken and can’t be alone, he needs a supply to function. That’s not love. I get it, it’s like a kick to the stomach when they get with someone but have faith, in the long run you’ll come out of this stronger, braver and wiser. Meanwhile he’ll be repeating these patterns until the day he dies. They pick strong women as behind that facade they are a frigging mess – and one none of us can fix. As others have said, let yourself grief. You’re grieving what could/should’ve been but lovely, it would NEVER have been with him. It’s the trauma bond and cognitive dissonance fighting, you’re going through an addiction withdrawal thanks to all the chemicals released with the highs and lows they put us through. So focus on you. Let him be. Control the controllables – you can’t change him, so work on you. I don’t know about you but I had no idea what music I liked, what tv shows to watch, what clothes to wear after I left. Remind your brain of the bad times with him, and spend some time just ‘being’ without all that. It does pass, it comes in waves, so just because day is bad doesn’t mean tomorrow or next week will be x x
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Thank you all for your insights and support. I agree and know in my head that its not about me and that his behaviour is his and his alone, but its certainly taking some processing. It can become all consuming at times which is massively overwhelming and painful. Knowing all the stuff that is wrong with him and that it is not me doesn’t help the emotional brain when it kicks in!
Is he happy in his new relationship though….clearly not as he messaged me asking for me to return his things he left (he said he didn’t want them so I’ve binned them!) but them he went on to tell me about his new girlfriend, who he was doing XX with and that he is seeing his girlfriend, because he’s got a girlfriend. Yes, I got the message, you’ve got a blooming girlfriend! But if you’ve moved on and are happy then go away, it was just another opportunity to go at me and hit me where it hurts. He’ll never be happy because he’s no idea how to be. He is a parasite and has found a new host to feed off until he breaks her then moves on yet again.
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Hello,
I just thought I would reply to this as I am years out of my relationship now and I have been through it all and when I say it all I mean all. I have experienced the most horrible emotions a person can experience and all of them to extremes. Sadness, rage, despair, crippling desperation, numbness.
You’re out. Yes it is terrible for his new partner but focus on you. YOU are free. And maybe not right now but one day you will be able to look back and go wow. I’m so lucky. You’re obviously in a tough place but you have your life, it’s yours, free of a terrible person who hurt you and caused you nothing but pain and suffering.
It does get better believe me. I have been through the depths of hell and I am now the strongest I’ve ever been in my life despite my issues that I have been left with.
Everyone’s journey is different. But I would encourage you to try to look at the positives. You are free. You get another chance.
With mine I feel pretty much nothing towards him now. It’s complicated. There are obviously still some feelings there, but mostly I just feel nothing. I’m just glad I’m away. And I’m grateful for my life. Everyone’s journey is different but you will get better I promise you. It does get easier, but it takes time.-
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I hope I didn’t sound like I am not acknowledging what you’re currently going through. Absolutely easier said than done when you’re going through that hell. Of course it is a lot easier for me to sit here right now and say that when I am years out. I just wanted to communicate to you that it won’t last forever. That there absolutely will come a time when it doesn’t hurt like it does now, and your mind and heart have healed. Don’t get me wrong, it still has a lasting effect, it’s the whole reason I logged back in here, I still panic, worry and have flashbacks. I still have some inner conflict. There is lasting damage. But I’m a stronger person and also a person who values themselves a LOT more than I ever did. And I was so incredibly ill. So, if that can happen for me, I just want to let others know, it DOES get better and that though it may seem you’re stuck in an unending black cloud of pain, chaos, confusion and hurt, that will not be the case forever. Feels absolutely impossible when you’re in it, but it’s not. You will get better. Good luck xx
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Hello looking up I understand how you feel I know its hard but try and look after your self and take time out to make your self happy like go to watch a film have a cup of tea with a friend just find your own happiness because his not worth your time to think what he said and done to make your self ill his not worth it I understand the pain your going thought but as time goes by you will find life more better to deal with sending you hugs keep strong
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