When does it stop

[Discombobulated2022]

Hi all. Been a while since I’ve posted. You may remember some of them. Husband moved out a significant amount of time ago. We’ve tried again, he moved out again.
I swing from clear and decisive, only for me to be drawn back in. We’ve had counselling, I’ve seen some changes but they don’t last. He swings from lovely, funny, attentive to moody, grumpy. Since he’s realised im adhering to boundaries, he’s also now looking for jobs, wanting the kids overnight when for a number of years he’s refused for a variety of reasons.
What is that about? Loss of control of me again? Tactics?
I’m angry at the years he hasn’t worked and I’ve got into debt along with watching me struggle an d refusing to have kids only now because he’s on his own to do the things he never did ?
Despite this, I’m starting to feel the pull towards him again. Will it EVER stop? I just want it to stop.

[Bananaboat]

In my experience he becomes interested in the kids to fuel an image, so for example he’s single and wants to look like dad of the year to friends and new women, once he’s got what he wants/needs from that person he’ll go back to not being interested in the kids. I’ve also experienced him wanting to spend time with them as a way to get to me both positively & negatively – by that I mean by wanting to control my time and being at his beck & call or cancelling last minute. Or he’s said things like let’s all go to the park together to test the waters and see if I’m still an option, look how lovely our family time could be etc. Remember every single thing they do is to benefit their world, it might seem like he’s going to counselling for example to save things but in reality he’s ticking a box to keep you hooked and as you’ve seen – just reverts right back to how he wants a few weeks later. As hard as it is, if you want it to stop you have to cut off the supply. You deserve someone better xx

[Discombobulated2022]

Thanks bananaboat.
You’ve responded to some of my posts in the past.
Your comment resonates with me on a lot of levels.
He says things similar to what you’ve mentioned regarding family time, and almost tries to put the blame on me for “pulling our family apart ” whereas he’s “fighting to keep it together”.
He hasn’t been abusive as such, but I’ve seen early warning signs such as mood, nasty looks, and he did snap in aggression in our last counselling session.
This time I have to listen to those early warning signs.
So, cold turkey it is then.
I suppose I will feel grief/ sadness/ anger and a pull as anyone would at the end of a relationship. Truth be told, I don’t think I love him how I used to. There’s something there for sure. But I used to adore him. That’s not there any more xx

[StrongLife]

Best to cut contact.
I ended up cutting most of the contact now all contact and have a lawyer. It has been years. For me they never change. He will be like that forever. I just left. It’s their issue. No amount of couples counseling will help.

After leaving, that was it for me. I found other men. Perhaps you could go out? Movies, socialising, party or (detail removed by Moderator) in your area for socialising with ladies.

[Author]

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