When does it stop

[Rainbowstorm]

I have been out of my relatipnship for a while now however we have children together and have been through the court system for conatct arrangements between the children and their father. My children have had their usual contact with their father at a contact centre as (detail removed by moderator) There are always issues during contact he often uses the contact centre staff to continue his abuse. However my youngest said to me on the way home that daddy told him that there is going to be a special meeting where they get to decide where they get to live (we havent got another court date not until the end of the year and that’s only if he takes me back to court) during this conversation my youngest said well I’m going to live with my daddy so I can go to softplay and trampolining when ever I want to I to as daddy said we can if I live with him.
Has anyone got any advice I know he shouldn’t be saying these things to our children and prepping them for a meeting which isn’t even on the cards this has upset my eldest as he was older when we left and experienced a lot of emotional abuse from his father?

[KIP.]

Please keep a detailed journal and speak to someone about this on the record. Either social services or the contact centre or women’s aid. I read another story on here about a father who brainwashed his kids by promising them similar material things if they came to live with him. The mother was blind sided and lost custody at court because the kids were of an age where they could make up their own minds. I’m sure it won’t come to that but you need to be very aware of the tactics these men employ. Women’s aid were a great support to me. Lean on organisations that can help you.

[freedomtochoose]

Hello Rainbowstorm,

I have been out for a good few years now, child now an early teen – looking back I remember only too well such attempted emotional abuse tactics using child as a pawn, perpetrated by my ex.

At the time – I could hardly believe it was happening – example: before we even got divorced ex had without my knowledge talked to child (under eight) – who was not able fully to understand what a divorce was, and laid out a plan to them as to what would happen. I was furious as well as upset. This was before the divorce was applied for and before child and I left for refuge even. There were other coercive tactics from his extended family, including threats designed to make me frightened of going to court. And at the time I was indeed frightened, just emerging from the FOG of abuse (fear, obligation, guilt) and not entirely able to think straight for that reason. I was terrified when I opneend my eyes in the morning and no less terrified when I went to sleep.

Looking back now the attempted intimidation tactics are crystal clear. But then hindsight is a wonderful thing, isn’t it? On the whole if I had to say something helpful it would probably be ‘remember that men like that like to think they are above the law’. Along with ‘men like that like to make you think that everything is your fault’.

As far as I was concerned it was all geared towards making me so weak psychologically that I wouldn’t fight to stay with my child. Or for my child to stay with me. I can hardly believe, so many years on that I am writing that.

And the time this was all happening a social worker friend of mine said something like – they don’t accept that these things are NOT their decision. That is these things go before a judge, and whatever our exes may say or think – the ‘evidence’ is weighed up and decisions are made, whether they like it or not.

I’m hoping this is helpful for you, although I totally accept that it may not be, as we are all different.

It’s really about sticking to the facts – for yourself – and your child and being clear about what they ARE. Even when my child was young I was able to explain and they were able to understand the bare bones and a simple version of how the court process works/worked – (detail removed by moderator)

Even in a non-abusive relationship I would be outraged to hear that any partner had attempted to pre-empt a decision which was due to be decided by the Court.

What you seem to be saying (which are the facts) are that
– contact centre at the moment, ex not fit to have unsupervised visits
– you have a contact arrangement at the moment (presumably court order)

As you say, until and unless another meeting (or Cafcass intervention) is initiated your ex has no right to promise or predict anything at all. I was able to challenge my ex and his extended family on attempted coercion tactics – t was really hard at the time, and I had no idea that his forum existed at all then, so I felt totally and utterly alone with it all. I hope if you feel it is the right thing to do that is, that you are able to calmly write or say to your ex that him saying what he said about the trampoline thing etc – is entirely inappropriate and not helpful for your child ,as these matters are yet to be decided (by the court). These may not be the exact words you will choose to use and maybe you would not wish to do that right now, but personally I felt it helped me to protect myself and ultimately my child.

I also found that once I had challenged it and my ex knew that I understood what he was trying to do, after a while it was nipped in the bud and he didn’t try to ‘pull a fast one’ in that respect again.

(which is not to say that over the years he didn’t try other tactics to scare and intimidate me and my child and generally make life as difficult as possible – but somehow I got stronger…)

And here we are by the way, nearly a decade later – after many years of intimidation and ex and his entire family and most of mine – for years saying I am alledgedly a cxxp mum – ‘mentally ill’ – and any other criticism that they could level at me…

I have just this second received my child’s report from school. Their achievements are off the wall brilliant. And most people would recognise that if all of what they ever said was true about me, then my child would have probably turned out differently. Still they never apologised, and many of us on here know that we will probably never hear the s word (sorry).

So, as many of us here will say, we are playing the ‘long game’. I sincerely wish you all the best, keep posting. all best ftc x

[freedomtochoose]

Myself and KIP must have posted exactly the same time – would wholeheartedly also follow
KIP’s advice. In terms of recording and the danger of ‘blindsiding’ etc.
Understanding this. Not an easy situation. But please try to see the facts and steer clear of
being more scared than you perhaps need to be..if you know what I mean
ftcx

[Rainbowstorm]

Thank you both for your advice. (detail removed by moderator)
I think it more to get at me than him actually wanting to have the children as he used to say that he will turn them against me and I would be left alone if I left him he was also never involved/tool responsibility for anything to do with the children when we were together. I just can’t see why he is still continuing to do this he has a new partner and children with her it’s doesn’t seem fair he can still use the children and contact with them to continue his abuse it just doesn’t seem to end.

[freedomrequired]

I totally understand, i could of written that myself, i think its all about power and control. (Court detail removed by moderator). I now have to speak to cafcas and plead with the judges for him to stop keep bringing me back to court. Under the new coersivness/control it says the perpatrator does accuse the victims as part of their control.
I do wonder when its goimg to stop, hes remarried and now bringing up her two little ones.(poor kids) YOu would think he would have better things to do.

[J@jmum]

Child arrangement has been begun by my ex and I believe it’s more to do with punishing me. He has money and fear he will bribe the kids and pay his way through this. He never really cared about kids so just weird. I’m worried they won’t see he has issues and ensure he seeks help.
Fear what my kids could be subject to!

[diymum@1]

It might be worth talking to the contact centre staff to see if they see through what is going on? You might have to enlighten them. My ex was did not get on very well at the contact centre,that’s another storey xx In scotland the contact centres often come into contact with independent lawyers, up here theyre the same as CAFCASS. You might be surprised the amount of info they share. It’s worth looking into. My ex had one of the centre staff destraught, she went off sick dealing with him. The funny thing was the woman who spoke to my daughter and made the decision about contact was actually fully aware of his behaviour xx diy 💕 💕 I couldn’t believe it he had really tripped himself up xx

[Author]

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