When does the heartache and the regret end?

[gettingtoknowmyself]

It’s been almost (detail removed by Moderator) since the incident took place that ended our relationship abruptly, with him being arrested and me left to pick up the pieces of my life. I know, deep down, that the reason why I called the police was out of fear and desperation as he raged, yelled insults in my face, threatened to kick me out on the streets while throwing my possessions (detail removed by Moderator)… I know I’d been unhappy for a long time. When he wasn’t raging, he was emotionally disconnected from me. But what I wasn’t prepared for was the heartbreak, the guilt and doubt that I did the right thing, the longing for times that were good. Instead of feeling relief, I’m asking myself ‘was it even abuse?’ Often he accused me of being the abuser. Although I have no choice now but to move forward, I miss him and the love we used to have before it turned bad. Is this normal? When do these feelings fade? I’m really struggling with ‘life after’ at the moment, along with all the practical and financial challenges of uprooting my life again.

[Allornothing]

Sadly there is a grieving process but it will pass. I find that the more I read about others experiences or read about abuse and (detail removed by Moderator), the more I relate and feel justified. Also, I have found that the more time that has past when he isn’t consuming my brain, the more memories are coming back. I am grateful for these memories now and am amazed I lasted as long as I did! You will grieve the good times and that is ok but don’t doubt yourself at all about it being abuse or that you were the abuser. The fact that you had to call the police speaks volumes, I used to be in the same position no matter how many times I called them. I even think now as there is a case ongoing, am I justified or wasting police time but we have to stop doubting ourselves, their behaviours are becoming more and more recognised and are not acceptable. Please be kind to yourself, you need time to heal – sending lots of love xx

[StrongLife]

I understand this. Initially it was really good for me.

Then came the turn after he physically assaulted me. Police, more police, etc etc.

It’s hard knowing that the original person is gone (was probably fake anyway). It’s harder knowing what followed and then everything else.

There is grief there for what you once had long ago.

[Fallingleaves]

Hi getting to know myself
I can really relate to your post. It’s a really confusing feeling and can be so distressing. I often look back and question myself and feel sad about it all even though I know deep down I was so unhappy for so long, and he was really threatening towards me (especially when I left) but in-between the rages he was “fine” although he was completely emotionally detached, always was looking back.
Anyway, the things that help me so far are: allowing myself to feel that grief and sadness, sometimes it’s worse when you try to fight it and say “what’s wrong with me, I should be happy it’s over” because there are always going to be “good times” that you miss.
Remind yourself of the bad times and the way he made you feel.
Also I’ve recently read a brilliant book that really confirmed to me that it was abuse, it’s called “Was it even abuse?” and it makes everything really clear, especially all the complicated emotions you’re talking about. It’s also really useful if your relationship wasn’t particularly physically violent as it goes in to all of the more nuanced things that we sometimes miss when we’re trying to tick off a list of what is abuse and what isn’t.
I’m over 4 years gone now and I still get the days where I wonder if I made it all up and what have I done, but they’re definitely much less frequent now!
Good luck xx

[StrongLife]

After time this does as you focus of practical things. I initially had this but the process removed this away plus impact of any escalation once relationship is over.

Regards

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