When does the struggle stop?

[JustKeepSinging]

I’m (removed by moderator) out of an abusive relationship and a lot of the time wondering when things start to get better.
Don’t get me wrong it’s a huge relief that both me and the children are not being continually abused on a daily basis but the abuse is continuing through indirect contact, court proceedings etc.
Some (most!) days just feel like such a struggle – adjusting to life as a single parent, money, work, having to do everything at home and no chance of a break, not having anyone to talk to, as well as just trying to get everyone through the day!
I still hear his voice constantly in my head about EVERYTHING and the fear every time the phone rings or I leave the house is consuming.
I feel overwhelmed by life and people keep telling me to take time out for myself and I do try but often it just leads me to be stressing that I SHOULD be doing something else so it just doesn’t seem to help.
I left to have a better life for me and my children but right now I feel like I can’t see the light…
Any advice?

[KIP.]

Yes, when you’re going through hell, keep going. What you described is exactly what I went through. It’s a dreadful process of healing and processing the abuse. It will pass but it will take time. Zero contact and time. Eat well, lots of water, as much sleep as you can, look at mindfulness, try to get some counselling through your GP. Do some things for yourself. Even if it’s a nice bath. Think of three positive things each day. Don’t over reach in what you take on because failure can bring you down harder. So limit daily chores to the bare minimum and don’t take on any new stresses. Don’t volunteer for anything. If you can’t relax because you feel you should be doing something then tell yourself you will begin that in 10 minutes after you have relaxed. Mindfulness colouring books are good for everyone but i know early on my mind was running at a hundred miles an hour and not much would calm it. Just know it’s a process and it will pass and you will learn to slow things down x

[Anonymous]

I really get this. My ex and I moved to a house needing complete renovation and with a huge garden and then he decided he’d rather drink and leave me to do the lot by myself on top of my full time job. Then he got arrested and I had all the animals to take care of too. I’ve barely sat down since I’ve been free. It’s been a huge struggle.

But it got easier and it will for you. It really is early days for you. I was left in a lot of debt, which I’m still paying off, but at least now I know that in time, I’ll be debt free. I used to dread the door bell, the post… It all just seemed to bring more bad news. My friends helped a lot. Visited, took me out, even if only for a quick coffee. I rearranged the house, decorated some of the rooms, got stuff out that he’d never allow me to have in display, just to make the house seem more mine. (I paid for it, but felt like an intruder there…) Now I have a bit more money, I’ve booked myself in for a pedicure this weekend. I’ve read, watched stuff on YouTube about recovering from abuse, about alcoholism. You just need to find some things for you. You lose yourself so much when someone abuses you. It takes time, I guess to rediscover what you want from life.

[JustKeepSinging]

Thank you. I feel a bit like people don’t ‘get’ that I’m still struggling – especially a lot of our friends who don’t know why we split up. I feel like I’m not able to ‘take on’ anything new because my brain just can’t manage it! Landy I have done similar to you in regards to the house and that does help but it feels like that takes forever too!

Thanks ladies. I guess just keep singing eh?

xx

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