When does the weight lift?

[VegCrisps20]

I am currently divorcing (separated weeks) and thought it would be like a weight off my shoulder, but it isn’t and I still crave his attention, although I haven’t contacted him in a couple of days. He lied all the time, he cheated, he coerced me into sexual situations, he watched porn at what I would say are ‘inappropriate’ times, he blew hot and cold. So why oh why am I not feeling free?

[KIP.]

As human beings we crave what is our ‘normal’, even if that normal is dysfunctional abuse. It takes time to change that thought pattern. Google trauma bonding. Remember you have to grieve for your relationship and the hopes and dreams that came with it. Absolutely zero contact is how to keep recovering. Try to get some therapy in place too x

[VegCrisps20]

Thank you. I am struggling to try and understand who I was in love with, and who said loved me, actually can’t have done. Yes I’m definitely grieving, it seems like other people have successful relationships and I think I knew deep down that my husband did not treat me how other people’s husbands treated their wives. And yes he would be so loving and then he would disappear for hours if I challenged him on his behaviour, so I was left trying not to rock the boat. I guess it is abuse tactics, but it’s still hard to believe. Sometimes I think he was just misguided, probably just protecting what’s left of myself 🙁

[KIP.]

It’s going to be a real rollercoaster of emotions for you on the path to recovery. Whatever his frame of mind was never an excuse for abuse. You did nothing wrong. I’m sure you gave him chance after chance. It’s time to look after yourself because he’s proven he can’t or wont. It’s beyond devastating to realise that someone you loved was actually deliberately abusing you. The best thing you can do is to concentrate on your own recovery. Contact your local women’s aid and take a look at Living With the Dominator book x

[Lisa]

Hi Vegcrisps20,

Just checking in to see how you are today as I could see this is a particularly hard time for you, as you come to terms with the abusive relationship you’ve very recently ended. As said, this process takes time, so please do allow these feelings to happen and know it’s part of the process of healing from years of being mistreated by the person you’d last expect it from.
You may want to get in touch with your local domestic abuse service, as sometimes they have support groups running. You can do a search for your local group here: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/ .
The Freedom Program is a 12-week rolling program that you can join and leave at any time. It offers support for women who have come out of abusive relationships and need to address what they have been through so they are able to move forward. You can search for your closest running group here: https://freedomprogramme.co.uk/search.php .
Keep posting as the women on here all understand how you feel and it’s important you know you are not alone.

All the best,

Lisa

[supersonic]

I kept thinking I’d never get better but it’s now over 2 years and I rarely think of my ex. It does take time but you will heal, you really will, don’t lose hope.

[Author]

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