When fear consumes everything

[searchingforhope]

I’ve a new place to move to. I need to get away from here (even thought hes not currently living here, feel hes preparing to come back in)
I know I don’t want to have him in my life anymore. But his threats scare me. He’s never hit me, it’s all mental emotional manipulation and all that goes with that. He’s begging and pleading and promisiing everything to make it work. But I don’t want him anymore. But how do I get passed the fear, how do I move forward? I’ve been so anxious and down today and I’m really really struggling. I’m trying to use my supports, but also don’t want to worry them as they are worried enough. But I know it’s i have to tell him its over and I have to make this move. I’m not terrified of that. I’m terrified of his reaction. I’m also afraid of hurting the kids, but I do feel they would adjust ok.

I wish I had a magic wand I really really do. But obviously nothing about this is easy. My social worker suggested writing a letter to him since I’m so afraid of talking to him.
Hes got a way of putting things that makes me think I’m wrong not to see things his way. I’ve slowly realised I’m allowed to see things from my own point of view. But he just thinks thats wrong as I’m not opening my mind.

This is the biggest step I’ve had to take in months. How am I going to do it? Where will I find the strength? Can anyone help me? I need to pull strength out of somewhere.
My head is just muddled and I feel the world is on my shoulders.
Thanks, hope you are in better places than me right now xx

[Watersprite]

Your fear is there for a reason it is telling you that you need a new start and so do your children. The fear does become less consuming when we are safe. But for now it is there to guide you to move forwards. When we left I wrote a note then blocked and the police and courts assisted. You sound clear – enough is enough and that is good over time when you are away your mind will become clearer still. My kids did not only adjust they became free to be their amazing selves. Keep posting and moving forwards xx

[Hereforhelp]

Hi Searchingforhope, your children will adapt…. the fear you have of his reaction is what he has instilled in you, they do not have to be physically violent to instill fear as you know so many other ways he has made you suffer.

The only way to make that leap is to take it in slow steps and keep moving forward… you don’t want him back… you have told him this and he still will not accept (he will never take responsibility either). You have a place to move into… start planning for you and your children and do not tell him… a safe space and a new start…. he will try to sabotage given the chance so if there is anyway you can avoid him until you move out then do… also it doesn’t have to be a big talk to him about moving, he knows you want to move on so there’s no real genuine shock or genuine poor me (he will make it all about poor him and turn you moving forward into a what about me). I would suggest say nothing to him and once you are away and moved in give yourself sometime to settle in and if you or kids have to see him tell him you will let him know when he can see XY but it will be in a few weeks. You can give yourself and your children time… he may well demand to see where ‘his children’ are living, he may offer to help you all, decorate etc… say no to any help from him as it will be from a self gaining place from him.

You have got this SFH ❤you have already come so far lovely xx

[Bananaboat]

Oh lovely I recall this feeling so strongly, I had a new place set up and still I was petrified to tell him. It got to the point of no return and I sat, shaking, when I finally announced it. That fear of their reaction is so ingrained but a few things helped. One – this forum is a godsend and realising you’re not alone is powerful. Two – look into something called FOG – fear, obligation and guilt, this is definitely happening to you right now. Three – nothing you do or say will make this any easier / him any happier. I know it’s hard but you have to put your needs first and go for it. He’ll have a tantrum whatever you do, so accept that, stay civil, don’t bite and stay safe. Good luck x

[searchingforhope]

Thanks so much for taking the time to read and reply. I appreciate it so much. All of your advice is so useful and helpful thank you ever so much. I’m finding this week is more intense than any other. I’m getting nearer every day to needing to tell him. Should be signing lease this week. Was hoping it would be today, but unforeseen delay.

I know deep down you are right @bananaboat he will throw a tantrum now matter what. I know he won’t go peacefully and let me be. It’s just trying to figure out how to navigate this is completely wrecking my head. I’ve never been so anxious as I have this week. I’m even noticing I’m getting breathless and slight chest pain at times which I haven’t told anyone, as my family and friends are worried enough as it is.

I dream of being in the new house and over the first few weeks, I’m just so nervous and afraid and don’t know how i’ll figure out getting to that. Afraid to tell him with kids around. Don’t want another conversation. Had an hour or c**p last weekend. 6 hours “conversation” two weeks prior. I managed to tell him it was over that night and still I back tracked when he wouldn’t accept it.

It’s so soul destroying. I can see glimmers of the real me, glimmers of the life I could have, I just can’t figure out how I’ll find the strength to get to that

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