When he accuses you of being the abusive one

[SingleMomSurvivor]

A common tactic abusers use is to accuse their victim of being the one who is abusive. My ex used to say this to me all the time. Even after he would physically assault me he’d say he did it because he was just copying my “abusive” behavior. Madness! Anywho I like this excerpt from Lundy Bancroft’s book that discusses how it’s pretty rare for men to be the victims of abuse at the hands of a woman. Hope this helps ❤️

Excerpt from “Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry & Controlling Men” by Lundy Bancroft-

“There certainly are some women who treat their male partners badly, berating them, calling them names, attempting to control them. The negative impact on these men’s lives can be considerable. But do we see men whose self-esteem is gradually destroyed through this process? Do we see men whose progress in school or in their careers grinds to a halt because of the constant criticism and undermining? Where are the men whose partners are forcing them to have unwanted sex? Where are the men who are fleeing to shelters in fear for their lives? How about the ones who try to get to a phone to call for help, but the women block their way or cut the line? The reason we don’t generally see these men is simple: They’re rare.
I don’t question how embarrassing it would be for a man to come forward and admit that a woman is abusing him. But don’t underestimate how humiliated a woman feels when she reveals abuse; women crave dignity just as much as men do. If shame stopped people from coming forward, no one would tell.“

[Lisa]

Thank you SingleMomSurvivor. I’m sure this will resonate with many users.

As you say, it is common for abusers to accuse women of being the abusive one, or of being ‘just as bad’ and over time, many women begin to believe that this is the case.
It’s important to remember though, that abusers will rarely acknowledge or take responsibility for their abusive behaviour, so if we are questioning ourselves or feeling responsible, it is likely to be a manipulation or a gaslighting tactic by the abuser.

Thank you for sharing, take care and keep posting.

Lisa

[StrongLife]

Ex did same.

This seems to be common tactic.

[little-miss-sunshine]

Hi SingleMomSurvivor,

Thank you so much for sharing. This resonates with me so much. He used to tell me exactly that. If I defended myself I was being abusive. If I just got on with stuff because he was stonewalling me, then somehow I was the one ignoring him.

He had an answer for everything and turned it around to his benefit. I genuinely thought it was me for a long time and got some counselling. When we first met he said his ex had abused him, I think I know the truth now. I met her briefly, she looked haunted but I was too wrapped up in him and his lies to see it. I feel for her now.

I did get angry towards the end, because I was slowly ‘waking up’ and writing things down so he couldn’t gaslight me (he still did it but at least I knew the truth – I wasn’t being abusive/going mad) every time I tried to be independent/set boundaries he would get very shouty and angry/ignore me until I gave in.

I’m so glad to be out, it’s scary but no way as scary as he became at the end.

Hope you’re having a good day. All my love to you x*x

[Footballfan1]

Thanks for the post,

I found Lundy Bancroft’s book a real eye opener and so much clicked into place in my head whilst reading it.

My ex is still playing the abuse card months after I ended the relationship.
His family appear to believe him, they have not been in contact with me or the kids since the split.
It hurts because I did so much for them, my ex is selfish and won’t do anything for anyone without gaining from it, where I gave my time, my ear when they needed to get things off their chest, I helped wherever I could.

They even witnessed his abuse at times and I confided in one of his family members before I told anyone else about the abuse.
I did this in the hopes they could talk sense into him, and I knew my friends and family would go mad if I told them what he was doing to me and the kids.

[Author]

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