When I cry he leaves

[Anonymous]

I’m in tears crying over (detail removed by moderator) I said I was leaving and cut contact and as he has a drinking problem he started (detail removed by moderator) and accusing me of being with my ex. My head is all over the place. Then I tried calling him when I woke up and he blocked me. Like how does this work? Then we spoke later in the day and saying to me he’s changing his number etc. I cried down the phone and he said I don’t want to hear you cry. When I cry No one was there for me last night. I feel so alone with all this pain. I feel like drinking myself. He causes me so much hurt and pain when I’m not even doing anything wrong. I feel like given up because of the way he makes me feel. Is this my fault.

[SunshineRainflower]

No it’s not your fault, it’s typical abuser behaviour. The cycle is:

1. They do something cruel to us
2. We get upset
3. They turn it round to make it look like we are the villain
4. We then apologise and feel terrible, sad, guilty and promise to try harder!
5. We stay with them as they convince us we’re the problem and the cycle repeats back through stages 1-5

As long as they convince us we are wrong and they are the victims, we stay, until we start to see them clearly and see through the manipulation. Are you able to ring the helpline and leave a voicemail for them to call you back? Being in an abusive relationship is really confusing and painful so talking to someone who understands the dynamic is really helpful and they can talk you through possible options.

[KIP.]

Read all about trauma bonding. The worse he treats you the more you try to get back to the days when he was the perfect partner. Which was just a big act on his part. Designed to keep you hooked into his abuse. Total no contact is the only way forward.

[Author]

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