When I go – do I stay local or move away?

[Sparrow]

Hello,

I have been on here before and having left (and returned) a few years ago I think I’m ready to go again. I’ve been in touch with my local Women’s Aid and am trying to get referred so that this time my exit lasts. The catalyst this time is my son, he smacked his younger brother around the face because he was annoying him – which is sometimes how my husband acts when he’s annoyed (although he smacks bums and not faces, or will shout and enough to make the youngest one cry) more often than not though its shouting, pointy finger and telling me to f**k off in front of the kids, calling me a b***h.

This morning my son asked me, when I was alone, why daddy was calling me an idiot, as I told him he said, say it quietly mummy or daddy will hear and come in and start shouting, there are other examples where I think my son has watched what he’s said/behaved so that he doesn’t upset his dad. It hasn’t been too bad of late and I feel anxious about starting to talk to solicitors (my employer runs free sessions every now and then) and talking to WA – I feel like I’m doing the dirty on him and being deceitful. I know I shouldn’t, I wouldn’t be thinking of going if he treated me, and our boys better. The way he behaves is ongoing and I don’t feel that I can keep putting up with it.

This morning my eldest told me that he feels sorry for me – that I don’t get to go out. How bad is that? I feel terrible, he knows his dad isn’t always nice (he’s told me that he thinks his friends dads are nicer) and I really don’t want him growing up thinking this is how relationships work.

I feel incredibly low and sad about the whole thing. When I leave I have no idea how it will affect my kids as they both do love their dad and plus I’ll be taking them away from existing schools. It all feels so impossible and I have no idea how I’ll leave as my husband doesn’t work (self employed) and is at home the whole time. I don’t have any friends in the area and my family are about (detail removed by Moderator)hrs away.

Would it be better to stay in the same location and risk that he comes round or disrupt the kids and move them away??

[Lisa]

Hi Sparrow,

Welcome back to the Forum. Thank you for sharing with us. I am sorry to hear about the local support group on your other post. It must have been disappointing to hear they are unable to help you. Have you contacted any other groups for support? If you need details then the 24hr National Domestic Violence Helpline (0808 2000 247) can signpost you. The Helpline Workers can also offer a listening service if you feel talking to someone impartial would help with putting a safe plan in place to leave.

I understand it is a difficult decision to make with regards to where to go and the impact on your children. Due to risk it would be safer to move to a new location. From your post it is clear you want to leave, you are a brilliant mum who wants to protect her children. Only you can make the decision about your next step but there is support here for you along the way.

Please do keep posting to us and continue to reach out for support.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[KIP.]

I would go where you have the most support. If you can move nearer to family. Children are very resilient. They will settle anywhere if they have a happy confident abuse free mother who is consistent and their rock. I remember by son telling his dad to F off and leave mum alone. It’s sad to,say but he knew before I did that I was being abused. Please get out before you expose your children to any more dysfunction. They take in way more than you think. I wish I had managed to leave when my son was young but I just didn’t understand domestic abuse, hadn’t heard of women’s aid and there was little help out there. Now there’s tons of people and agencies willing to help. Just don’t tell him you’re leaving. Speak to a solicitor to keep yourself right legally and start gathering evidence of his abusive behaviour. I recorded my ex but only if it’s safe x

[Sparrow]

I have managed to get some support from a local women’s aid. However, because I said that he had smacked our son and left a mark my case has been referred to social services. When I spoke with social services yesterday they said that the smacking was relatively minor (but obviously not condoned) and what was of more concern is my husbands behaviour to me in front of our children, due to it causing them emotional abuse.

They are speaking to school and will decide today if they need to intervene or leave it for the women’s aid outreach worker to support me. I cannot tell you how absolutely sick and frightened I am. I think my kids are okay, the SS worker thinks that it will probably be fine as the schools would have been in touch if there was a problem. But I can’t get over feeling like I’m conspiring against him and I’m worked about my future being taken out of my control.

[cupofcoffee]

Oh hun, sending hugs as I know what you are feeling, that horrible feeling of fear and guilt and terror about the future, you are not alone with these feelings.

Social services will look positively at the fact that you have contacted Womens Aid as that shows you are making positive steps to protecting your children.

Worries about the future are completely understandable but please do not worry about him, remember that he caused this situation, it is his anger and he chooses to behave badly towards you and the kids. He will probably turn on the water works and try and make you feel guilty and sorry for him but HE caused this, it is nobody elses fault but his own and his foul temper.

Trust me that in a few months time you will be relieved when this is all over and you have a clearer future, good luck hun.

[Author]

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