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When I watched that film today I took note of the reaction I felt when I saw the scene describing Dickie being killed. I watched how he was hit with an oar. It made me feel really sick and brought back the memory of being strangled by my husband. I watched the expression in the eyes of the killer (Matt Damon) and the total loss of control. The whole scene reminded me of the expression in my husband’s eyes…I could not bear watching that scene so I looked away just after the killer first hit Dickie on the head.
I see a counsellor weekly, I have spoken to her twice so far but she still hasn’t asked me about me having been strangled. I often feel I minimise the impact this has had on my life but somewhere deep inside my soul I often relive that moment. I often think of it, yet I know I truly minimise its impact. I once had a panic attack during the Freedom Program sessions, it came out of the blue. I never thought I would ever react the way I did when I panicked.
But that film reminded me of x years ago, I remember his eyes…they were totally glazed over. I wonder if one day I will realise fully what that moment meant to me. Most people are horrified when they hear I was strangled and ask me why I am still with him…There are no limits in me, eventually you minimise most things abusers do to you, or you think it is your fault.
Why would my dv support worker have wanted to book me for counselling, and I know they take you as a priority when you have suffered domestic violence…?
As I watched that film I started thinking about my childhood and adolescence and the day when my own dad told me he was trying to ”finish” my mum off by pouring the drinks for her (she was an alcoholic). She nearly died, and I came to rescue her, but he told me this horrific wish he had of finishing her off and the way he was doing it…I also thought my mum wanted to kill us too by poisoning us when I was a young child, I used to wait till my dad had started eating his meal before I would start eating mine in case my mum had put poison in our food. If my dad didn’t choke, cough etc I would start eating. She had told us time and time again that she would kill herself before the age of 40. I heard that comment hundreds of times in my young age. So I ended up believing she would kill us instead. She had already threatened to commit suicide, she talked about it all the time and one day she did slash her wrist in several places in front of me. You don’t forget memories like these. There are stories I count also recount about bleach and suicide but that is another one of those memories I have stored in my brain.So I guess as time goes on I find it increasingly harder to watch violent films, and I seem to compare what I experienced during the strangling to what I see in films, depending on the scenes described. Some I cannot bear at all, the one in The Talented Mr Ripley is one of them.
I feel that all the hopes and aspirations I had in life were spoiled by many people I thought I could trust. I am sorry for posting about my memories, but at the moment I find it hard to sleep and lots of things come back to haunt me. I am sorry.
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Hi sleep has evaded me to tonight but he is driving me crazy so that is probably why. I read your post and thought that sounds so familiar. For me though i did not see him lose it when he strangled me the i saw control he knew exactly what he was doing. I saw pleasure he enjoyed every second of it.
If scenes on tv are a little too close to home i turn over. I try not to think about it cos it will drive me mad and probably scare me senseless.
I hope you managed to get some sleep xx
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You have been through so much, Bridget.
My counsellor is very interested to her about my childhood. I imagine yours will think it is important too.
Whilst it’s very painful remembering, maybe it would be good to discuss these things with her in a supportive environment.
Yes, people do spoil our lives with their selfishness and unkindness- or they try to. I hope you will be able to come to terms with your past and find some freedom.
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Thank you Godschild, he was up all night i was so tired plus he scared me half to death by sleepwalking the other night? I can deal with an awake him but now this too. He cant control wat he does in his sleep he says. Very convenient that good job I am a light sleeper. X
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Hi dramaqueen, why was he up all night , does he often do this adn sleepwalking, it shows his mind is disturubed, but it must be so hard for you knowing he is sleep walking as well,at least I usually dont get disturbed at night, unless he is in a very bad mood. You have to be almost alert 24/7 , feel so concerned for you, hugs xxxxx
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Hi, i dont think he was sleepwalking i think he got a kick out of unsettling me. I made a point of saying to my mate if he ever uses that as a defense then remember i said he was awake. He thought it was hilarious he was telling everyone how he scared me. He dont sleep of a night much and i wont sleep till he is cos i dont trust him. Im used to staying up most the night now but i do wish he would sleep normal hours cos i always feel tired and cranky. Xx
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I asked him what he was playing at and he did not reply just turned round and walked out the door like nothing had happened. When I asked him again the next day he said I was dreaming and I said I wasn’t because I was already awake so then he said he was sleepwalking. The comment I made to my mate was tongue in cheek, he is a strange one at times. x
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