When is it abuse and when is it a learning difficulty?

[sunshineLollypops]

I’ve been out quite a while. My child has just been diagnosed as austistic. They (my child) hits me and has a complete loss of control which the professionals are saying is because of there autism, they are not being ‘naughty’ but can’t regulate.
I’m overwhelmed with guilt that perhaps my ex was in fact autistic and couldn’t help his behaviour? He definitely has difficulties as he couldn’t read or write. When is the behaviour a disability and when is it abuse?

[Twisted Sister]

Hi sunshineLollipops

There are several huge differences between a child exhibiting this behaviour, and your ex. There is nothing that can be confused with abuse, as its a very definite pattern of behaviours. Its not a one-off explosion.

As your ex, their father, was abusive, it is also very likely that your child is acting out/railing against you, because you are safe to do this to, whereas they had behaviours of their father role modelled to them, yet were fearful, and have learnt, regardless of autism, that this is how to behave, how to get your own way, and how to keep Mum living in fear, using physical violence and threats. There are very different drives behind abuse, and austism.

Professionals will also often get things wrong, especially if they are not fully appraised of the context, history, and may be ignorant of the full complexity and effects of abuse.

It could help you very much to find a Freedom Programme near you, which will open up to you the tactics of abuse, and how it works.

You are also dealing with the differences between a child, still learning, developing, growing, discovering and experimenting with their environment and experiences, as opposed to a fully grown adult who is responsible for their own choices and harmful actions. Children’s behaviours cannot equate to an adults.

The guilt and shame is all his, none of it belongs with you.

warmest wishes

ts

[Chocolatebunnie]

Your child is projecting frustration onto you and this is just what some autistic children do.

Try to get some professional support in learning to deal with his behaviour as you will find ways to manage this. Keep this separate from any thoughts if abuse as I think in time and with finding ways to manage behaviour you will feel better. You may find, as I do, your child’s behaviour a trigger, which I do and it’s something to consider.

Regards you ex either he has ASD difficulties that he was not able to manage, that is depending upon where he may be on the spectrum, and also he just may not able relationship full stop.

Or some asd people will struggle and still although challenging, maintain a healthy relationship, and be able to eventually (may take time to process) situations, they are more than capable of empathy but can find things confusing and being asd as with bring a drug user or alcoholic or any other challenge is not the root of abuse.

There is no excuse for abuse, I have 3 adult children one struggles with empathy and understanding other’s emotions the others less so, one being the opposite and over empathetic.

Do not feel bad for your decision to remove yourself from a relationship which was hurting you regarding of the reason.

I hope this is t harsh and makes some sense

Hugs CB X

[Lisa]

Hi sunshineLollypops,

It’s understandable that this would bring up these questions for you. Experiencing your child lose control in a meltdown and be violent towards you quite possibly triggers memories of your ex being violent. Your child’s behaviour being explained by professionals as dysregulation is bound to make you wonder if your ex experienced the same thing. However, the situation is markedly different.

We can’t say whether your ex is autistic or not, either way, he is an adult and responsible for accessing support to help him manage his behaviour if he has additional needs. Domestic abuse is not acceptable from anyone. Your ex subjected you to a sustained pattern of abusive behaviour. He belittled and humiliated you, was sexually abusive, and used your fear of physical violence as a way of controlling you. This isn’t something that autism causes. There is no excuse for abuse, it was a conscious choice that he made about how he was going to treat you.

It’s normal to want to try and make sense of your experiences of abuse, but please know that you have nothing to feel guilty for.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Anonymous]

I am autistic and have never abused anyone in my life, I have had health conditions been made as excuses for abusive behaviour against me though but it is just an excuse, not a reason, abuse is chosen behaviour, there’s a difference and it’s a disservice (and offensive if I’m honest) to all the people who do have disabilities or conditions who take responsibility for themselves and would never abuse anyone when people would use that as a justification for their unlawful behaviour! child might be hitting as like you have said he can’t regulate or communicate his emotions, maybe educate yourself on autism and the triggers, I can’t cope with sensory overload for example and I have panic attacks when that happens, it’s a spectrum and everyone’s different and still has their own personality’s, the autistic society has lots of helpful videos from the perspective of living with autism as both a child and an adult, be patient and kind with your child and get all the support you need for him and yourself too, take care

[shygirl198]

Your ex might or might not have been autistic, however as everyone has said it’s no excuse to be abusive. Do not feel any guilt, although I know that’s much easier said than done.

I’m autistic and I believe my son is too. He’s very different to me, very explosive, argumentative, extremely emotional. I think the key is to educate yourself as much as you can about autism and how it might present in your son, so that you can understand, help him understand himself growing up and can help alleviate some of the aggression and anger towards you (his safe person). Also perhaps if you haven’t already reach out to a local autism support group if there is one or online Facebook groups, so you can talk to other families who share some of the same experiences your going through yourself.

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