When it feels extreme to call it abuse

[pigglewump]

Hi,
I have difficulty labelling my husband’s behaviour, like most people, I’m aware the relationship is unhealthy, but the term abuse sometimes feels a bit extreme.
My husband is older than me, before we got together we were supposed to be working together but the job he promised never came to fruition. It came at a time when I was financially vulnerable, moving house and been made redundant from my previous job, so I became financially dependent on him as I had made decisions based on the job he had promised. The relationship moved very quickly, by the time I realised I was financially trapped it was too late. He also has an illness which causes him movement problems and I can’t work independently of him as he needs someone at home with him most of the day, and I get woken up most nights too.
Over the past (detail removed by moderator) he has gradually relinquished any responsibility for anything. He divorced his ex-wife, I took care of most of that as he didn’t want a lawyer, I do most things around the house as well as all the general life admin. We are ok financially due to an insurance policy he has, however we have constant cash flow issues as a lot of his money is tied up. He has no desire to work even though he could with my help and would be capable of making money as he was successful previously.
He is extremely jealous and possessive. I hardly ever go out with friends (detail removed by moderator). He doesn’t say I ‘can’t’ go out, however he makes the process so unpleasant, I feel like I may as well not bother. I can’t wear dresses that are too tight. He’s hidden some of my clothes before, presumably as they were too revealing. I get called (detail removed by moderator). I get accused of going out ‘looking for attention’. He’s read my diaries (when I used to have them, I don’t write anything down that isn’t password protected now!) and he’s also lied to me about the behaviour of certain friends so I wouldn’t be friends with them anymore.
Every time we have an argument he turns everything around on me so I’m left feeling confused. Also I get incredibly angry at him when I have to help him physically in the night because I am so sleep deprived, I’ve never hurt him (with the exception of being a little bit ‘rough’ with him when I have to help him when he’s on the floor, I guess I am just so angry at him for everything I feel like sometimes I can’t help it) but he claims I am the abusive one. He has even called the police on me before. He didn’t tell me he was doing it and they just turned up one evening and I had no idea why, gave me a panic attack. They knew straight away I hadn’t done anything, thankfully.
He calls ambulances and social workers if I don’t help him enough and makes out I am neglectful.
When I got (removed removed by moderator) and had to go to hospital, I came back to find my puppy had a (detail removed by moderator) and he wouldn’t tell me how it had happened, and he hadn’t taken the poor thing to the vet. I had to discharge myself early and rush home just to find out what was wrong with him because all my husband said was that he couldn’t walk.
I tried to leave once and went to my parent’s house, and he immediately emptied our bank account so I had access to just (detail removed by moderator). Meanwhile I have joint liabilities held under my sole name because his credit rating is so bad, I’ve had to take out car leases and credit cards on our behalf. At the end of the day, I am completely financially trapped and would have to go bankrupt if I left because of all the debt. This would have implications for my future chosen career. There is never enough surplus money available in the account to clear it.
We haven’t been married that long and because he isn’t well, despite the fact I can’t and haven’t been working as he needs so much care, I was told I would get nothing if we divorced. He did agree to a post-nup to leave me a percentage, but right now it’s a percentage of nothing and it’s not even 100% legally binding, particularly if it’s found to be unfair on HIM, as he is the unwell one, never mind his illness has been debilitating for me too. He’s also said that he would argue I coerced him into it when he’s angry at me.
When writing down the bad stuff (and this list is by no means exhaustive) it seems obvious, however, in between all of this his is extremely ‘nice’ and comes across as sweet and thoughtful, but I guess that’s because I’ve learned now to not do anything controversial.
Sometimes I think the only way out of here is in a box. It’s only because I’m worried about my dogs that I don’t end it all but it’s hard because I just see no way out.
Apologies for the long post!

[KIP.]

It feels extreme because you’ve normalised his horrific abuse. Being kind and thoughtful is the starting point for a relationship. He doesn’t get extra points for doing what he should be doing. Please contact your local women’s aid. Speak to your GP and ask for counselling. Abusers trap us using fear obligation and guilt. Fog. It sounds like he’s been manipulating things from the beginning. Dumping everything on you including his divorce leaves you no time for yourself to work out what he’s really doing. He’s not your responsibility and abuse always gets worse.

[Lisa]

Hi pigglewump,

I just wanted to show you some support here. Your husband sounds like he’s very good at twisting everything round to make it seem like you’re the abusive one; perpetrators of abuse are often very good at this. Please do reach out for as much support as possible with all of this; you are certainly not the abusive one here; there is a big difference between reacting out of frustration or exhaustion and being abusive; abuse is a lot more calculated. He is aware of what he is doing; he is choosing to act this way.

It’s understandable why you’re feeling trapped, so just to reiterate what Kip’s said it would be a really good idea to contact your local domestic abuse service (if you haven’t done so already) and get some one to one help from a support worker.

There’s also a specialist financial abuse charity called the DAME Project who might be good for you to speak to. They’re on 01323 635987.

Please do keep posting to let us know how you’re getting on,

Lisa

[TakingBack]

spending a little time on here today just reading others stories and feeling less alone

thank you all!

Lisa in particular what you say re acting out of frustration and exhaustion being very different from ‘calculated’ abuse
and choosing to act a certain way
Thank you … that makes so much sense
and is a relief when being accused of being abusive x

[LimpingLady]

I have ( what feels like at least) a very unusual situation. It revolves around my dad and the whole of my upbringing.. I’m now (detail removed by moderator), happily married and not living in the family home but it still feels like his claws are jammed into the back of my head.

I think the only way to try and sum up my experiences is to say that he displayed a lot of sociopathic tendencies, the worst of which have always been reserved for me and/or my mum.

Some of the things that disturb me are below but it is just so difficult to establish for 100 percent sure that he has done something irregular or if I am making a fuss over not much? Bizarrely when I try to tell my mum about some of the things she jumps to his defence despite hating him herself and having her whole life ruined by him.

The most traumatic things are: two family pet cats mysteriously went missing when we had on each occassion had them for at least (detail removed by moderator). Our neighbours tended to mention that they didn’t like cats going into their garden as (detail removed by moderator). My dad hates upsetting anyone outside the family ( he must be seen as the wonderful do- gooder) … I cant prove it but I just have this gut feeling.

In recent years I have also joined the dots and realised that during my primary school years ( and possibly later) he told/ implied to the teachers that I was slow / inept… esp at maths. I was actually pretty good but I was treated the opposite ! He literally created a new version of me that wasn’t true but that even I believed. In later years I pursued AS level maths and loved it got on really well and was told I had a good talent for maths. I won’t go on but basic my he did the same with musical instruments – I was never aloud to learn one, bit my brothers were! My eldest in fact played several. I became known as the unmusical one.

He knows I am very scared of spiders and I can get quite animated if I see a big one. He leaps to its defence but pretends that he is trying to catch it for me… I’ve seen him let it slip out from his hand and he just lets it go and pretends it got away.

Once when I was having a horrible nightmare and was screaming out, he came to “wake me up” .. except I felt him tickle my feet gently then move his hand to my shoulder as I fully woke, to make it seem like he had been nudging me awake the whole time. I know this sounds crazy but I know what I felt and it made my nightmare all the more excruciating. I get sleep paralysis and become lucid while my dream is still playing out.

There are so many other things, most recently he seems to have subtly said something to my brother and his wife that has changed the way they are with me. Feels like he is trying to divide us.

I feel like there is a lot of things that I don’t even know about.

I want to get him out of my head because it is ruining my mental health and I have no career to show for all of this mental torture. I have fought so hard my whole life against the grain – and I have acquired some pretty good academic credentials , but I am still treated like the moron in the family and I get no respect from any of my family … they literally see me as the version he has created !! I think I do too which is the most damaging thing.
Sorry for the rant feels good to get it out though.

[Author]

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