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    • #134375
      Eyesopening
      Participant

      Hey,
      I do think it’s quite soon for me to start dating. But I am thinking about it and want to understand, when would be a safe time to start and what are the right reasons to start dating?
      If you remember me, I haven’t been out for very long, months only.
      I’m feeling alot better and i want to move on with life.
      I was researching abuse and learning for two years before i left so i feel like i am done with all that side of the work. I’m working on my boundaries now and will have a clear set of boundaries and know exactly what i am looking for.
      Boundaries after pathological abuse is a really great book.
      Any advice?
      Xx

    • #134378
      KIP.
      Participant

      Women’s aid recommend two years but everybody is different. I started dating with no intention of having a relationship. I used dating to rebuild my confidence and my social interactions. After a while I realised that I didn’t need a man in my life for anything. If it happens it would be nice but I’m so glad I spent a lot of time on myself. Having therapy, discovering my weaknesses and all about my psychology and how to spot abusive people in general because there are lots of them out there. Once your confidence and self esteem are back you won’t need to ask anyone for advice on just about anything. There are so many dating sites out there and they’re not going anywhere so time invested in yourself now will be much more rewarding than looking for a new partner and not being ready. When I first started going for dates I was really hyper vigilant and prone to overthinking. I would also make ridiculous excuses not the see them again. Excuses to myself. I just wasn’t ready but I was open about that, not looking for a relationship initially. Interesting journey so learn what you can on the recovery road and do it for fun.it should be fun 💕

      • #134387
        Eyesopening
        Participant

        Hey Kip,
        2 years seems like a very long time. I do think the work you do on yourself before you leave must count towards that recovery time.
        Yeah I get that for rebuilding confidence and my social interactions. I work from home and do feel like I’ve lost that practice of meeting people.
        I know there are others ways to do that and I am doing things now that mean I will meet people and I want to try different classes.
        I definitely don’t need a man in my life and would happily be single. But I do want to have a child one day. I am at an age when I don’t really want to waste too much time. Seeing as I will not want to rush into anything and take things really slow.
        I would want to be friends to start with for quite a while if I did meet anyone
        X*x

    • #134383
      cakepops
      Participant

      Personally I agree with the idea of it needing to be years not months. I went through a stage about the one year point where I thought I was ready to start dating, but actually it was more about being lonely and feeling isolated than being ready to have another relationship. I am quite a lot further on now, and actually feel less ready than I did before. I think it takes a long time to realise how badly a long DV relationship affects all areas of your life, and to start properly healing from it all.

      However, I think it also depends on your own personal circumstances. If you are still dealing with your ex lots via family court, divorce proceedings or other legal issues etc the likely to take longer to be ready to move on than if you are able to go entirely no-contact.

      • #134386
        Eyesopening
        Participant

        Hey Cakepops, thanks for replying.
        I have heard this from someone else here. Feeling ready but later on realizing you were not.
        Luckily I am completely no contact and have no issues like that with the ex.
        I can imagine… I’m still healing.
        I don’t feel lonely, I am building a great support network around me.. i just want to start my life and not miss out on having children. I am not actually wanting to date, more just thinking about it, I like to have an idea or plan generally xx
        Xx

    • #134388

      i think it depends on how long you were in the relationship.. like if u was in one for a year give yourself about a year to get over things. if you have a therapist thats great.
      i think the worst thing would be to start dating again when u havent done any work on yourself. make sure your really fulfilled and ur self confidence is super high before you start dating. the datu=ing game is terrible if u have low esteem you will be burned easily and attract really horrid men so if you feel your ready do so.

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