When they start up again….? What do you do?

[iliketea]

Hi, I haven’t been on for a while, so hi to everyone, and hope you’re all doing ok, and life after is looking better and better every day. I have been feeling good lately. I’ve been trying really hard to focus on self-care and recognise when I need to stop and rest. Probably like everyone on here, I’m a doer, solver, helper, etc etc etc..but sometimes it really really helps to just go “No, I can’t do anything right now except sit on the sofa and be”.

My question, not exactly sure what it is, but its about how, when the ex out of the blue starts trying to wind you up again, and what you do about it. Its been (detail removed by moderator) since I have had direct communication, and in the space of a few weeks I’ve had emails demanding this and that and telling me to respond, (detail removed by moderator) Full of fantasy and made up accusations, making me look bad, and like I’ve done something to him – which I haven’t.

What I did first of all was to ignore it. But then the second wound me up and I wasted a day or so on a reply, putting him straight and telling the story as it actually was. I didn’t send it. But that then wound me up more and I haven’t been sleeping and I’m feeling really triggered like I’m back there again – with all the crazy gas lighting and fake stories and falsehoods and having to justify, explain, defend. I don’t need to reply. I know I don’t. And I’ve deleted my response. I suppose what I’m asking is how do others deal with these situations? Its just attention seeking, I know I am safe, I know he can’t do anything to me, but its the sense he is getting more and more angry (at a distance) and its the not knowing what is coming next. The uncertainty I guess. And the injustice of him telling professionals Im doing something when I’m not, and telling others too.

Anyone else experience this after a long time. Its like they can’t stay away and move on. Its like they can’t let go. Any ideas, ways to deal? We have to communicate through a (detail removed by moderator) so I never see or speak to him. I could change my email, that would be a way, but then I worry that I would constantly be checking it in case he had contacted me about something and I didn’t know. I could block him, but that is the same thinking, the not knowing is horrible too.

[Lisa]

Hi iliketea,

I’m so sorry that your ex has started up again, it sounds really difficult. Abusers don’t want to lose the power and control that abuse gives them so it’s really common that they don’t let go once a relationship ends, you’re not alone in this.

You’re doing really well with having decided not to reply, it sounds incredibly frustrating to be bombarded with these falsehoods though and it’s understandable that you would want to defend yourself.

You could look into getting a Non-Molestation Order that specifies he’s not allowed to email you. That way you don’t have to block or change your email address and worry that he’s contacted you and you haven’t seen it, but you can report the emails and have some kind of protection. DV Assist are a specialise injunctions service who can answer any questions that you have about Non-Molestation Orders and help to get the process started if you decide that’s what you want.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Footballfan1]

Hiya,

I have no answers sorry, but I just wanted to say how incredibly strong you were not responding.
That takes a lot of self restraint.

You have moved on, but it is natural to feel triggered when they try to communicate.

I’m less than a year out of my abusive relationship.
We were together for more than 2 decades.

It took me a while to realise I didn’t have to respond.
I would talk to my mum about what my reply would be, she would say, just don’t reply.
That felt alien to me at first.
I was used to having to answer phone calls or texts immediately or feel his wrath.
We also feel compelled to tell our side of the story, they go round slagging us off to anybody who will listen.
It’s embarrassing and we feel like we have to justify ourselves and stand up to the accusations.
Xx

[Mellow]

I’ve been through this and am a little bit now.they only do this when they are not talking to any other supply they come back to wind you up.we have children together.it’s so difficult .
What you are doing is right by ignoring and even writing it and not sending is good because they enjoy us getting emotional and responding .i always find I’m doing the same justifying things and explaining but they don’t care they love us explaining and justifying and just so you know this they heard you the first time they just choose to ignore and wind you up .do not react.i found myself over explaining and repeating events a lot a bit like I was talking to a child.there was lots of gas lighting even though I had hard evidence of what had been said he would say he didn’t say that. there was lots of twisting and putting words in my mouth .i could say one thing and he would put his spin on it .e.g he would say things like I’m stopping him seeing the kids and say he dosent want them in the same breath .or say I’m stopping him and not address why he was not having contact or apologising and acknowledging his behaviour which caused it in the first place.you will always be wrong !it is never their fault remember this!also I understand your frustration you want to react I was the same .you can block emails if you want but they may contact you through someone else and bring flying monkey in .they are relentless .you are in a smear campaign now join the club everything you do is wrong and they will twist things and tell others there version of events like they are innocent

[iliketea]

Thank you everyone, really helped to have support and understanding. @Footballfan1 thats exactly it, its the justifying to other people that I feel I’m sort of doing, he always copies in professionals, and so I feel like I need to reply to defend myself, when I have no idea if they;re even reading his rubbish. @Mellow, sounds exactly the same, thanks for reminding me, Im not alone in this. I wish he’d go away and find new supply, I really really really wish that would happen.
xx

[Blankcanvas]

I’m currently in this situation too.
I feel so de stabilised.
Lots of phone calls, ranting, threats. Logged with police. But because there is no arrest I’m finding that what I’m going through is categorised as DV.

He saw DC on (detail removed by Moderator). I dropped off to him. (detail removed by Moderator) he threatened to (detail removed by Moderator) as I’m struggling with contact arrangements. He’s never on time, or doesn’t show up. Or brings DC back early. There’s no sleep overs. It’s a form of control/contact.
He turned up in the day to collect DC from school. Saying (detail removed by Moderator).
I’m at my wits end.
I’m also so mentally drained and exhausted.
If child arrangements are in place there’s no need to dispute. But he’s insistent I don’t go through mediation. I feel intimidated to go against him

But I have booked a Miam meeting. I feel so on edge

How have things been for you Iliketea? How are you feeling?x

[Blankcanvas]

Should say *isnt catergorised as DV due to no arrest

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