When We Cut Off

[Serenity]

Sorry if this post is unclear.

I was just wondering: did ladies here eventually cut themselves off from their abuser ( whilst in their relationship)?

My ex complained that there was ‘no love’ in the house. What he meant was, the kids and I had built a protective barrier and stopped crucifying ourselves to him. We’d built up our own support network, and I’d gone from pleading with him to be nice to ignoring his dark moods.

I think he walked out to get a reaction. What these abusers hate more than anything is no attention and no audience. I was sick to death of the cycle of abuse and had begun to make myself a cuppa rather than try to reason with him!

At what point did you emotionally cut off- of you did at all?

[KIP.]

I became immune to his nasty belittling comments towards the end. I wouldn’t engage in an argument. Nothing I could say was right so I said nothing. I was numb. I think that’s why it got physical. I know I hadn’t loved him for years. Fear Obligation and guilt. It still astounds me the lengths they go to keep someone who doesn’t want to be with them. Why bother. Idiots. Good riddance to bad rubbish 😃

[Serenity]

Thanks, KIP.

I was interested to know if it was the pattern that all victims began to distance themselves. I can identify with your response.

I continued to treat him well up to the end to a certain point- cooking him good food, not having any affairs, buying him presents I knew he’d like etc- but I’d stopped engaging in the sick dance, and stopped pleading.

It’s terrible that the thing that keeps them there is if their partner is submissive and begging. They don’t want an equal, confident partner. How sick.

[SunshineRainflower]

I wasn’t really in the relationship long enough to get to this stage, but as soon as I twigged something was not right with him and he was starting to scare me I went into self-preservation mode and pretended that I still thought he was this great guy whilst planning my escape. It fooled him and helped me escape without the abuse escalating, it does make me chuckle thinking of how irritated and baffled he seemed in his hoovering messages after I left. I’d rumbled him and scuppered his plans but never let him know. He actually wrote that he found it hard to be ‘cut off from me’ and he ‘didn’t expect it to end so soon’ like he was revealing his true nature, they were not the words of a man in love like he pretended to be.

KIP I know exactly what you mean, I have often questioned why on earth this man would go to all this effort to trick me into dating him to then cheat on and abuse me. I think if I was so stupid and unattractive and whatever else he implied then why try so hard to keep me? They really have the most warped, bizarre, impossible to understand thinking I’ve ever encountered. I was thinking recently they are similar to religious extremists in that it is like they have been brainwashed by dangerous, illogical ideology about women and relationships and when they act on this crazy ‘logic’ chaos and danger happens to everyone around them.

[Dragonfly]

Yes I agree but I went through stages of cutting off. When he’d notice I’d either be discarded, or love bombed. Then the cycle would continue. He was very good at knowing when to pick me up then play victim. I got seriously fed up at times with his ailments and problems.

[mayflower]

decades
gradually withdrawing for my own emotional safety

he genuinely believed he cared and loved
but I never felt it and it made me so very vulnerable

he got more frustrated because he said I shut him out
but I just couldn’t cope with needing him and feeling so unheard and ignored
or going to him for a reassuring hug when he found it so very hard to ever give me one (unless it became something else of course)

he was right, I did shut him out
it was the only way I could cope
although I think my mh made me feel so bad about it all

my psychologist recently asked if it has been difficult since leaving him – learning to accept that the possibility of his love and care is now gone
– I told him I had already got there – way before I left

[Confused123]

Hey Ladies

Yes i think i totally cut myself of at some point, these f***** know how to soul destroy,

[iwillbeok]

Towards the end I had stopped ‘kicking the wheel’ as I put it later. I had in effect given up without realising thats what it was. I look back and it was for a much longer period than I I initially realised. I had stopped standing up for myself. Just went along with whatever he said. There was definitely a wall between us. I was just waiting for things to peter out. When we had our last big row I thought ‘ok. This is it. This is where we split up. This is where he leaves me.’ I was relieved.

Little did I know that this was when his true nature would be exposed; that his mask would not just slip but he would take it off completely.

In some wierd way I’m grateful that he showed his true colours in such a dramatic fashion – the scales were well and truly ripped from my eyes. I had fallen out of love with him such a long time ago (not that I realised til after) I was just in the fog of surviving. Looking back I think his attitude was slowly getting worse the less I ‘bought in’.

I was worried I would damage my eyes the amount of eye rolling I would do behind his back.

I like to think sometimes of the shock I gave him when he must have realised he could not break me.

[Author]

Posts