When will I be strong enough I put a date on it?

[Chocolatebunnie]

I’m hoping you lovely people can tell me I’m not unusual in how I’m dealing with this. I’ve posted lots lately, and I’m aware it seems tedious compared to others, it’s not always blatant it’s subtle, confusing and manipulative and my heads been all over the place analysing my relationship in every way, almost obsessed as I could not believe it was true, I had been so blind to what was really happening, and everyone has been very supportive and informative.

I’ve had counselling and have realised how things work in my relationship and that it’s not healthy and mentally and emotionally abusive, I’ve finally got there. I had a date I’m mind and was going to end things.

However, I feel a pressure to end things, I’ve tried so hard, and when things are bad I want him gone and to be on my own I am feeling my strongest at this point.

Now he’s being nice, I should be happy, but I’m on eggshells, what if he’s going to be nice from now on? I’m making a mistake?

Now the adrenaline has gone dealing with the upset he causes, I’m now feeling hurt as to what he’s put me through I’m feeling it, but I’m not strong anymore, I’m weak, I’m needy. This isn’t really me. He’s a source of comfort.

My counsellor has given me an extension as they know I have a date in mind, and now she sees what I have been enduring she’s all for me moving on and is supportive. I feel so bad that I’m doubting when to do this. The counsellor must have guessed as they said they felt I was waiting for the next episode or explosions to be able to make a stand. But she and everyone else, even I can see I don’t need a reason, only that I’ve not been happy is reason enough.

I can’t keep putting everyone around me through this rollercoaster, my family my friends, I don’t want people to give up on me.

In the back of my mind is a niggling I’m making a mistake ending this, that I’ve overreacted, misunderstood that he really isn’t that bad, that if I met someone else they’d be problems so better the devil I know? I’ve been with him so long it’s like loosing a arm or leg.

Is it that I’m just not ready, will I ever?

I would be grateful to hear how others have felt st this point x*x

[marmaladechamp]

Hi Chocolatebunnie,
I dont think we are ever truly ready to leave but in the end we have to do whats best for us. (detail removed by moderator). is my day and i feel this cocktail of emotions ranging from sadness to grief to fear.

There are many factors you need to take into consideration such as when he’s going to be out of the house long enough for you to pack up. Also are you going to tell him and is it safe for you to do so or are you going to write him a letter/text/call. Its not easy planning it and it will feel like you are living a double life because with that date in mind you will presumably be keeping things normal so he doesnt suspect what you are doing.

Deep down you know this is the best thing for you and your children and although it will hurt in the immediate future it will get better. You’ve got to put yourself and your kids first.

Pick a day when he will be out for a few hours, long enough to pack up, grab your kids and go. Make sure you have somewhere to go to.

It wont be easy but just think once you have a date in mind keep thinking this time next week/month/year you and your kids will be free and happy.

X

[Tiffany]

You are not making a mistake. Leaving is the right thing to do. I left in a relatively good patch. I couldn’t have done it in a bad one as all my energy was used up dealing with the abuse. In the good patches I had a bit more control. It made it harder, dealing with the anxiety that maybe he would change. It really helped me to keep notes of what had been going on and realise there was subtle abuse even in the good patches. I had set a date to leave, and I think I would have gone through with it, but in the event I discovered that he had been financially abusing me too, so I brought the date forward, and then he tried some serious emotional abuse in an attempt to undermine my ability to work. And at that point I snapped and decided that was it, I was done. I ended things a couple of days later. I had things set up for leaving in a couple of weeks anyway, and it turned out to be easy enough to bring that forward.

[Chocolatebunnie]

Thank you both x

I think it would be a lot easier if I could leave, but I cant and believe me when I say I have thought about it a lot.

I would be making myself homeless and have no money to save for another home.

He needs to leave, which is a guilt trip for me in itself. He will have to find somewhere to go so he won’t go straight away which is some of the problem as it gives him time to manipulate things.

I have too many children, additional needs with two, their mental health also taking into account is that moving them is not an option. Social services cant help and we have been referred a few times now due to his abuse and alcohol and substance abuse.

When I spoke to the WA support worker, she said she had felt the same as I do now, if only somebody could come to the rescue, to come into our family and say to him, “you need help, you need to leave” someone to do this for us, and I guess a lot of others will have felt the same, the decision to be taken out of our hands and someone else to take charge. To not feel responsible and for him to actually listen.

Ive checked in with kids and they are aware things have improved but also aware he can erupt at some point or other, so guess the eggshells are there for them too.

Thankfully for now things are ok, not great as although he’s behaving, once you are aware of what they are about and how they work I don’t think you can be truly happy with a partner. There will always be a doubt and the feeling of eggshells will always come back, if it ever goes at all.

If I could leave I would but im not leaving my children and neither would they want to be left with their dad.

I guess I will get there in the end, it probably will take another outburst, not sure I can stick to my date but I know I will reach my point of no return, Im already there just such a big step, I do feel trapped as I know he is great at manipulating me when it comes to the crunch, ive already tried this so many times, which is why im so nervous of trying again and then to fail, to be back here yet again, but he always manages to turn things around again, I wish I could go no contact and move out it would be the answer.

[diymum@1]

hi CB

you do have so many real obstacles there infront off you in leaving. your caught between the devil and the deep blue sea here. i can see again its obligation and guilt keeping you there and above all practicalities. i can see your the type off mum who puts her kids first always and this is what we do 🙂 you definitely cant do this alone – it might take him to really frighten you and then you might want to leave in a hurry and thats not the best way forward for anyone its so damaging. i used to believe in the approach fling the cards in the air and see how they fall – in other words let it play out. i do beleive its better to have the right people behind you now. maybe therapy would help you come to terms with the guilt you feel for him. because its not your guilt to carry. i do get it i was the same but remember some off his issues are self inflicted i too thought i was dealing with an ill man but in reality he had layed his illness on really thick – he wasnt bipolar at all according to his medical records – there illnesses are often feigned to keep you right where they want you. it sounds like the answer is he has to go but you have to be in a better place to do that. you have to know this isnt your doing xxxx you will get there

love diymum

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