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This morning I got up and was doing ok, quite happy. But as the morning wore on I kept having “flashbacks” to when I was with my ex. I wasn’t thinking of the bad times, I was thinking of the good times, things we did, where we went etc. I even considered unblocking my phone and texting him (I didn’t). I feel like crying all over again and iv’e come such a long way. I try to think of the bad times and I know I have done the right thing by leaving. I hate that someone can mess with your head, all I did was love him. But I guess all this is because of the mental abuse he put me through. Now the tears flow :(, maybe its the healing process.
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I was like this for ages too, don’t worry it’s totally normal. You’ve probably got ptsd. Yes the good memories kept haunting me too and felt much more painful because it felt like a massive loss.
I think it’s the brain processing everything to make sense of it. Cry, sing, write, paint, sculpt, talk. Get it all out. Every single day until there’s no more to get out and you feel at peace. It takes time but it gets better and the flashbacks become much less frequent.
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Thank you SunshineRain Flower for your kind words. I’ts horrible to go through but I realise as well it’s a kinda grieving process. I sit and wish for the time to go by faster so it won’t hurt so much. I try and keep busy but sometimes it just creeps up on you for no reason. It helps to talk to others here though, I don’t feel so totally alone :).
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No problem. I’ve been exactly where you are. It’s so incredibly painful. But it honestly gets better. I used it as a learning experience, like starting again as I realised I needed to make a lot of changes in my life including challenging my own beliefs about myself, men, relationships, love etc.
I recommend finding some YouTube channels you like and putting a few videos on each day. Ones to do with healing, self care, abuse recovery etc. I watched tonnes. They were like friends. I still watch them now just not as much. I put them on when washing up etc.
What starts to happen is your focus will shift from him to yourself, v gradually, day by day. Because losing an abuser means you’ve got a second chance at life. You could write down your goals, and a list of things he hindered you doing. Then slowly reintroduce them.
When we leave them we are trauma bonded and codependent and it feels absolutely lousy. But in time you’ll recover and realise you can now make your life how you want it and are no longer held down. Like a blank canvas. You’ll keep cycling back to feeling sad but eventually the sad times get less and the hope and new things in your life get bigger. -
Ah my lovely I’m right where you are, you’re not alone. Completely agree with sunshine’s comments: I realise now I am so incredibly trauma bonded and codependent and I like you have been so close to turning up on his doorstep and saying sorry! I have no idea what I’m sorry for but it just shows like you say how messed up your head becomes. I’ve made a list of things I want to do/things I wasn’t allowed to do etc. It’s a really long process, I don’t think I had realised how long it takes to heal, when you’re in it you just want him gone and to be free. I had no idea when he was gone how hard to journey was going to be. The things I’ve managed to do for myself off the list are only wear make up, wear clothes I choose, paint my nails and shower when I choose and wear body moisturiser. Actually now I’ve listed it it feels more than I thought. Slowly but surely my lovely you’re doing great, keep going xx
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Thank you both, I have a list of things im going to do and it helps, especially when I can cross off things from said list. I used to keep a diary of the bad stuff that went on, my aim is to burn that diary as I don’t want to re-read things, to me now they have happened are in the past. Also If anything happened to me I wouldn’t want my family seeing it. I can’t do it just yet but its on my list to do. I feel better today and look forward to Monday when im back at work.
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I’m there too.
Had a really bad night last night – can barely sleep more than a few hours then I lie awake with stomach pains and my head going over and over everything in my head.I’ve posted a few times these last few weeks so I’ll not rehash the whole story again. He collected most of his clothes a couple of days ago and it’s really hard seeing the empty hangers. We hadn’t been happy for over a year (can think of incidents over a number of years but the last year seemed to be a constant cycle of drama). Everything has suddenly happened so quickly. Part of me wanted it finished and just was waiting for the end, the other part of me was clearly hoping we would somehow find a way to get by together past all the issues and the good tunes would take over.
I have a couple of good friends who have been supporting me and listening. But I feel guilty today because all I have talked about are all the bad things, and I know I’ve painted a really bleak picture. I feel like bad at making him look so bad and I’ve just made it even harder to find a way back – my friends would think I am mad. It’s all true – but he was also a lot of good things too. I struggle to believe the good stuff was all fake. I just think he had a high sense of entitlement and self importance and was hugely immature – so would escalate minor stuff in retaliation because he didn’t feel important enough. Would sulk and strop like a child when I wasn’t doing what he wanted.
He wasn’t violent (Ok – there were rare flashes during the worst of arguments when I did feel intimidated, blocked from leaving, wrists grabbed, shoved – but it didn’t increase in frequency or severity…maybe it didn’t have to..). He wasn’t sexually abusive – albeit I was very aware he thought I was not meeting his needs, been called frigid a couple of times and I felt guilty that the menopause had taken my sex drive (maybe the menopause and the toxic atmosphere…)
He wasn’t financially controlling – he just had a work shy attitude and never seemed to notice the inequality of our contributions to the household (but in my head it was my house and my kids I had before him so I accepted I would be paying the bills whether he was here or not). It’s only when I look at the account over the last few years I realise I have been in limbo waiting for him to grow up and take a more responsible attitude – given we are at mid life that’s not going to happen though is it!!
He was dominant with his views, my kids and I walked on egg shells, he would keep stupid bickers last for hours, he would retaliate by bringing things up that had nothing to do with it. He would talk over me, not listen, cause me to go nuts with eventual frustration then he would accuse me of being the abuser.
I’ve read Why does he do That and I recognise loads – he’s Mr Right, he’s THe Victim, he’s the drill sergeant- all at different times. But he’s a sweet hearted kind softy who gives great hugs, holds my hand watching TV tells me he loves me, is impulsive, has been part of all my best (and worst) memories in the last decade in between all the drama.
I now have my house back to myself, I have what I thought I wanted – him gone – I just hadn’t anticipated been so upset.
He messaged me (removed by moderator). (removed by moderator) he said he wanted a divorce, he changed his marital status to separated on Facebook now He wants to try and fix it. I’ve messaged back (removed by moderator) and after trying to get my head round the separation he has just opened it all back up again. (Detail removed by moderator). Now that I have answered him (removed by moderator) I’ve not heard back. I thought a token “ok, I won’t rush you but let me know when you are ready to talk” acknowledgement at least? Could argue he is respecting what I asked for and giving me time by not answering. I spend all night watching my phone hoping for something though and wondering where he is and what he’s doing and who with (he’s never strayed or made me think for a minute he would to be fair – but now he is “separated”, if I am to take a step back and believe him to be the abuser he will be looking for his new power source)
Sorry – this is a long rant and not a very upbeat one. I just had a long and lonely restless night and after hoping for my peace and space hadn’t expected to feel this way.
I even feel bad being on this forum because I feel really guilty at thinking he is an abuser when I remember the good stuff. Sone of the ladies on here have had shocking things happen to them and don’t have the means to escape. Here I am with freedom within my grasp and I’m broken hearted.I’m going to put on some positive music and have ordered a new book on Amazon – “The zperfect You, a blue print for identity”. My friends tell me I have faded from who I used to be, I don’t look happy in photos. I need to stop worrying about whether or not I should have tried harder and I need to start finding me again.
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SunshineRain Flower – I hear what you’re saying but there is stuff in there that would do damage to my kids if they had to read it for any reason. I will hang on for a little while longer but in the end it will have to go. It’s that closure thing again…I’m nearly there with it :).
Headspinning – I do the staying awake and going over things, it does no good but you can’t help it. These men we all talk about need to get help for doing what they do to us. I’d block all contact with him or he will start the mind games. You have done the best thing in getting out and never feel guilty for that. Take him off social media as well, you don’t need to see it. Yes you will have good times, so did I, but they are few and far between. The bad outweigh the good. You will get there, as will all of us, keep talking here and get it all out, it works. I was sitting yesterday crying while typing but it helped me loads and today is a better day. My goal this year is to fill my diary with dates (not men) so I have things to look forward too. Keep your head held high, you have done nothing wrong :).
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