When will it end. When will he give up

[Surviving]

I just want it all to go away Now. I need him to go away. He trys every way to get at me. He can’t I initiate any contact with me anymore as I have the non molestation order. So now he brings people to handovers. I don’t show him it bothers me and give him a reaction as that’s What he wants. I stopped telling him not to bring his partner to handovers so then he brings a man with him and trys to pressure me to hand over my daughter half hour early. I didn’t react to it. So this week he brings a friend who actually we both fell out with as this man twisted my son’s arm and bulleyed my younger son u til my son had low self esteem. This man he also aloud to shout abuse at me in our home. I was quite shocked to see him.come along to handover but again I didn’t react.

[KIP.]

You’re doing the right thing by not reacting. Could you take your child to the park or out for a walk before handover so you’re not in till the handover time. I know it might sound drastic but away from the home you might be calmer and less stressed. Have a bag already packed. Also, after our split my ex became very friendly with a member of his family who had stolen from us and he supposedly hated. I couldn’t stand this person yet it was him my ex sent round to collect his belongings. It just shows you how little friends they actually have when they have to go back to people like that. Play the long game. Grey rock x

[KIP.]

My point was that he won’t give up so it’s upto you to protect yourself x

[Tiffany]

Can you get someone else to do the handovers? Possibly in a public place so he can’t show up early.

[Surviving]

I don’t have anyone that can do the handovers. If I take her out til handover time I will just get anxious coming home wondering who will be there waiting with him. I don’t get why he can’t just do handovers on his own. I spoke to police yesterday they said I should have called police if I feel intimidated because I have the non mol order. Especially when he sent that guy to my house because I wouldn’t send my little one out early

[KIP.]

That’s really good the police were helpful. Next time ring them and get them to tell your ex to stay in his car with his friend and you will send your child out when ready. The police were good and spoke to my ex about his behaviour. He kept sending people round unannounced to collect belongings 14 times. Including an empty trailer which could have been filled in one trip. They will keep pushing the boundaries for a reaction. Still trying to take control back. You might want to consider a drop off centre if he persists x

[Surviving]

It’s s**t. You get a Non Mol order to protect yourself against intimidation but then he just uses other people Instead.

[Surviving]

Yea I was thinking it may have to be a contact centre but he won’t agree to that. I’m just too anxious now to handover.

[Twisted Sister]

There’s nothing he has to agree to. I’m afraid it is never-ending. I would certainly not allow contact to commence with a pick up from my home, à that would contravene the non-mol surely he not allowed there and its very ill-advised.

Better you do an handover in a very public place where you can be clearly seen, and arrive there at the appointed time, because of his refusal to cmply with simple contact arrangements so far.

It’s not easy just magic’in up someone who can do this for you, but in a public place at a set time should work much better, and set a rule around waiting time also. That’s there will be a 10 minute waiting time or you wll leave with your child, as that will be he next trick!

I so feel for you going through this. Any contact he has with you will be this way, and you shouldn’t have this around your home. He no longer has any right to come to your door. It’s your home and you both need to feel safe there knowing he will never be there.

Take care and keep your boundaries strong

Warmest wishes ts

[Twisted Sister]

He doesn’t have to agree, its no longer a reasoned discussion. He’s proved himself unable to stick to simple arrangement, if you decide contact centre then they will make the rest of the arrangements. You offer a selection of times and they can ask him to be inside the supervised room before you arrive. They will call to cancel you if he doesn’t arrive in time.

You will no longer have to see him. All of this behaviour is continued damage to you and your child. He knows full wel. You might find he doesn’t want to see child if it’s only actually about seeing child and you’re not involved!

Protect yourselves from him above all else.

[Twisted Sister]

Have your non-mol updated to include others, and if it has using third parties already included on it, then report it to police. You cannot hand your child over to one who has caused harm and is not a safe adult (mind you, that would include him too!!)

[Surviving]

I need to toughen up and I have started too. I have just emailed the courts to ask advice as I still feel intimidated so I suppose I will just wait to see what they say

[Surviving]

It’s just so unfair that even though the courts know that women and children are abused. The women find that stength to leave that person and yet they still allow for women and children to be abused by letting that abuser still have so much control with child contact. It’s like they are all using children. The abuser is using the child to hurt the mum and the courts are using the child to make a point about fathers rights act. When is it ever about the child’s best interest

[Twisted Sister]

I totally agree surviving.

I hope that they can update the non-mol and get some action for you. I think it would be unusal for the non-mol to not have that stipulated already. In which case itsthe police that need o know, and then you can mak your own choices around that and how further contact takes place.

Hopefully the judge will recognise your issues and he could be arrested for breaking the non-mol.

Good to hear you are feeling stronger around boundaries

Warmest wishes ts

[Author]

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