When you finally heal do you tell future partner you were abused or not

[Anonymous]

This is something I’m really really unsure about, not that I think I ever want another man near me I’m quite sure I do not as the fear on me is too great,but should you if you think someone is genuine tell them the truth about why you are cautious, I am pretty sure I’d watch someone’s every move over the top, & would probably read things minor into oh my word he did that too. In general I am in a dreadful state around people, I end up saying I was in an abusive relationship, that’s Why I’m so nervous. I do not say it to feel like a victim I say it as a survivor & to explain why I’m so dreadfully anxious x

[Hopesprings]

I think this is a tricky one. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer either. If you tell someone and they turn out to be abusing they will see it as striking gold and could use it against you in all kinds of ways. However if they are an abusive type they will find a way to abuse you with or without knowing your past.

I say if and when the time comes you will do what feels right for you.

I know how you feel about not wanting to be with anyone and you know what I don’t think that’s a bad thing.

Take care x

[Anonymous]

Hi Hopesprings I truly do think relationships are dangerous now as my guard is too high, I don’t think I am strong enough to hide my vulnerabilities however much I try. I Can pretend but think my trust issues are easily detected. I guess none of us really knows until the moment & our gut feeling should you say or not. x

[SunshineRainflower]

I was wondering the same thing myself. I always tend to tell people everything like an open book and I did this to him which of course was a big mistake as he used it to mirror me to create a perception of my ideal man, and to attack me later on. Despite all the pain and torture I still dream of one day meeting a good, beautiful, kind, gentle, faithful man who I can love and who will love me back. I think if I met someone and started dating them in the future I would only disclose about the abuse quite a way into the relationship whilst journaling daily to make sure I’m keeping in touch with my thoughts and heart and noting down ANY red flags, however tiny. But I guess any new relationship is always a risk, there is no way we can completely protect ourselves sadly, just equip ourselves with the best chance of safety and happiness.

[Anonymous]

Hi Sunshine flower, I think none of us will probably ever know the answer to this & when it happens we won’t know if we did the right thing or not until we are either really happy again or back in yet another abusive relationship. I guess the truth is don’t ever fully trust anyone x

[Confused123]

Hi

I used to debate about this but have decided to just tell people we thought different and we went on our different paths , nobody needs to know how some one hurt us before so they can use that to advantage again later on. Im going to protect myself all the way, all my new partner will ever know is that ex had a addiction, im not going to tell them how they used the addiction to abuse me , even if u say was toxic relationship, people dont understand then u end up slipping details out and have triggers after. Best thing is just to say you no longer got on , in time u will heal and start to relax, i think once you;ve been abused u always going to be on guard , they dont need to know u know about red flags , they just have to respect u want to take things slowly

[Anonymous]

Hi Confused123 what an excellent piece of advice, Do not tell you know what the red flags are that way if an abuser they’ll slip up thinking you are naive & they will get away with it
I think once we know red flags it is a lesson for life & every single person we know too, Thank You that’s an excellent point x

[Positiveandlookingahead]

I personally would only tell when I’ve been with the person for a while and if I felt that it was affecting our relationship if I didn’t discuss it. We don’t quiz men about their past relationships so why should we feel that we have to justify ourselves? I would hope that a man would be interested in who we are and where we are going rather than who we were and what happened in our past. Abuse is a very personal thing and onky you can judge in the circumstances whether you need to speak about it. I would want someone to be interested in who I am as a person and only then would I be able to recognise the red flags and trust me I’ll run a mile. You need to show a partner who you are, what’s important to you and what they can bring to a relationship. Give yourself the opportunity to build a stable, happy life that you don’t need a man to have a fulfilling life. Blossom into who you should be and if he tries to destroy you or anything or anyone important to you run a mile and inside be assured that this relationship didn’t end because the cycle of abuse continued or because you feel like you’re an easy target. Walk away from this relationship because you recognised the signs, you know you deserve better, you do not have anything in your life which doesn’t serve your purpose and you were not abused again, you said no to abuse and you know that a man cannot exploit your vulnerabilities ever again. Take each relationship as a fresh start a black canvas that you can paint on don’t paint the same black coals again paint a beautiful flower xxxx

[Anonymous]

Thank you, that’s all very true, I feel very lost & hate feeling I have to justify myself to anyone but do it all the time, I think years of living with him has done massive damage to my confidence & I hope I’m wrong but am doubtful I’ll ever truly be able to let go enough to enjoy a fulfilling relationship. I’d love one more than anything in the world, My main problem is that his abuse was so severe that since leaving I’ve realised I’ve been abused all my life, Thats been a massive shock, I’d developed an acceptant nature to thinking it was normal to be treated like it, of course it’s not though. I wish I was educated when I was a child about abuse, because that’s when mine started. I know the red flags now, my problem will be being finally strong enough to put the theory into practice through out life not just in relationships. I fight with myself to be confident, He made me feel dirty & so sexually unattractive, worthless & useless, again replicating childhood sexual abuse. I only wish these men realised what damage they do. X

[LittleBritishPhoenix]

I agree there’s no right or wrong answer, I think it depends on how you feel and how they seem.
I started seeing someone I used to be good friends with, and so told him everything, he turned out to be pretty abusive too and definitely used what I told him to his own advantage. I walked away from him in the end after he threw a particular thing in my face.
I do think aswell that paying close attention to any early warning signs and red flags, and making note of them, can help massively.
Educating ourselves on what abusers are like and what tactics they employ and preparing ourselves to walk away are so important, as is knowing ourselves. What we like, what we don’t like, our own boundaries and how to enforce our own personal boundaries. I feel it’s a massive part of healing. x

[Anonymous]

Hi Littlebritishpheonix That’s just it learning our own personal boundaries, Im sure mine were way too flexible but now after him my walls are so high even I can’t see over them, Trust is a massive thing, I don’t see myself in another relationship through fear of a repeat in history, I don’t think anyone of us will know if to tell or not until the moment arrives, then hopefully we will know & do the right thing x

[Author]

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