When you first realised

[Lightness]

Was there a moment for you when you first realised it was abuse or that your abuser had a PD?
Once I realised what was going on it was like I had put new lenses on and I could see exactly what he was. It was like every fibre in his body was an abuser – it was so obvious, and yet before then I had had no clue.

[Serenity]

My ex was a bit unkind to me even before we were going out- when we were just work colleagues- but at the same time he was flirtatious and persistent, so this confused me. I think now that he was behaving like he ‘owned me’ even then- so it was like I didn’t have a choice but to go ahead and be with him. I became kind of mesmerised. He was like the Pied Piper of Hamlyn and I was like one of the children who was entranced and found myself following him almost against my will.

A friend of mine got involved with a man who was very unkind to her early on. She ended up having deep psychotherapy due to some of the things he did, but I remember her saying that she believed that deep down, she may have felt she deserved the abuse. I wonder if I thought this too. He was unkind when we weren’t even a couple, yet I ignored all self-protective measures and allowed him to dominate me.

He was quite young when I met him and seemed quite immature, and I think I passed his bad behaviour off as immaturity, never imagining that it was in fact an indication of his rotten nature and a hint of the abuse to come.

[Nova]

Good question Lightness.
I first saw a angry outburst years ago before we properly got together ..he was in another country…I returned home thinking, no way…then came the love bombing and he basically crash landed in my life weeks later…I think he sensed trouble, and my inkling. he turned into the best guy on earth…then slowly drip drip, nice/nasty routine, which left me confused. I went to see the GP thinking it was me!, I thought I have to get help for these feeling, as I couldnt work him out. the ‘what are you on about?.. are you paranoid, you REALLY want us to split up?? us? and you never see me again??” his routine.

I thought I must try harder, obviously my issues( that I didnt have) are somehow affecting this relationship…I returned several times before eventually after going round in circles, and thinking basically there are so many problems, are they mine or his? (the brain fog was lifting) there are never any solutions, just problems, he’d load them up one after another…never ending…

By that time I realised the ‘long term’ promises for me, were not materialising, only him.
he let slip this year he had a lot of cash in the bank, and I was strapped, he never offered me a cent.
However I’d helped him out of debt…I was sleeping on the sofa to keep physically seperate from him, my body was telling me, you’ve had it with him.

Then I just thought… you know what its him or me…hes going.

The penny had dropped I started researching abuse I found the perfect matches for his narcissitic type, (theres more than one, who knew?!)it fit like a glove! horrified I contacted a womens charity straight away.
Long story, many years of this more than it should have lasted, thats another post!

[Serenity]

Oh Cuppa, your tale resembles mine so much.

Big hugs x

[Herindoors]

Many many years down the line after being with him I was talking to my best mate who had also known him as long as me. I was describing how when we argued I could not get away even for a mintue, to lock myself in the bathroom for a breather, because the one time I did that he started kicking the door in. To me that was normal behaivour after years of a build up of increasing abuse. She looked me in the eye and said that the first time any man had behaved like that around her she would have ended it there and then – and that that was normal behaviour. That’s when the penny finally dropped and I stopped minimising, blaming myself etc…

On reflection – on one of our first dates together we were walking in a park and he ‘jokingly’ shoved me and I fell over. It wasn’t the shove so much that was the issue (bear with me!), it was the way he reacted to me falling over and being hurt and complaining about it. I had no sense of humour, he was only joking, I was too sensitive, I was no fun, he didn’t mean it blah blah….oh hindsight is such a wonderful thing!

[Lightness]

So once you realised that it was abuse and/or that he was a n********t, what happened next for you? Did you feel the ‘OMG he is so obviously a narc – it’s so obvious now’. That is how it was for me. Like living in my own psychological thriller movie.

[Serenity]

It was over a decade in before I heard the phrase n**********c PD. Something made me research it further, and it all fell into place. I realised I had been lied to all these years- that he had tried to make it all my fault- yet he fitted the profile 100% of a malignant narc.

[Anonymous]

I still feel like it doesn’t really count with me so I don’t think I have had that defining moment. I know I should and I totally recognise it with other people. I guess I’m still at the making excuses stage

[WalkerInTheRain]

At first all I knew was that I was deeply unhappy and I felt like it wasn’t a partnership. He never cared about my opinions or interests and never wanted to do things things together.
It was all very one sided; I’d cater for his every need despite also working full time.
I’d looked into types of abuse but he didn’t seem to quite fit with some of the classic signs. I had my own money, I could go away for the weekend without him, I could choose how to dress and who to see, when he hit me it wasn’t in an angry outburst (he’d probably call it horseplay but I wasn’t playing).
I buried the thought and made excuses for his behaviour “it’s because he has ADHD as a kid”, “he needs a hobby”, “maybe he’s depressed or mentally unwell”.

Eventually my friend kept topping up my wine glass and it all came tumbling out. She said two things to me: “that’s not normal” and “that’s abuse”
I did some more reading and eventually stumbled upon Why Does He Do That? Reading about the personality trait The Water-torturer put everything into place. It could have been written about my ex. I had the clarity I needed that I wasn’t going crackers.

[Dragonfly]

I knew something wasn’t right a few months into relationship. I questioned him, said I thought he was controlling and manipulative. I would just get some vague, confusing answers. It wasn’t until he physically attacked me over the course of two hours that I finally realised!

[Eve1]

He had outbursts of temper before we got married but there was always a reason, stress, frustration ( often someone else was to blame, of course). For the final few years I was reading about relationships to see how we (I) could make it better. This lead me to read about abuse in relationships but still I couldn’t tick enough boxes to make me think it was abuse. I had a very stressful, terrible weekend with him and afterwards spoke about to a friend who said I seemed ground down and talked about domestic abuse as she knew it in a professional capacity. She pointed me to my local womens aid where I spoke to a lady, not really knowing why I was there but that I was unhappy and something wasn’t right. She showed me the dominator characters from the freedom programme and he fired a bit of most of them! After that things began to click and I could see who he really was that he would never change. I couldn’t take more, we went to couples counselling and that was horrendous. Terrible, intense ranting at me for daring to suggest we weren’t happy. Is also doing an nvq qualification which making new think for myself and I was standing up to him more, which meant more shouting from him, name calling,b anging fists on the table or settee next to me, taking me in the kitchen for hours until I agreed with him, banding his head on the door. I couldn’t do it any more with the counsellor’s help he agreed to move out for some breathing space and that became permanent. From seeing the’dominator’ characteristics to him going was about about 4 months. I found this forum about a month after he left and about a month later I read ‘ Why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft and it I felt winded, it was so shockingly accurate a portrayal of what I’d lived, especially the water torturer description. And it confirmed it had been abuse. It was all very traumatic and intense, no time for a plan as such, but at least I got away from him and I was free to bring up our two children in a relaxed, fair, happy home where their thoughts and feelings matter.
Sorry this was so long but that’s how I’m feeling today.

xx

[Sallysally]

I did not realise until my children had grown up & I was feeling alone and depressed about my future
He is very angry because I am working right now (removed by moderator) and talk to other people and earn my own money

he has been going through all our carrier bags to look through all receipts to find out what I have been up to and checking my frosty footprints in the garden to see where I walk this week
got home from work & he tried to start swearing and accusing me of having a boyfriend
I had to threaten that I would telephone the police to shut him up

have started moving a few personal belongings into a friends garage in case I need to leave quick
feel terrified he will find out
he has now sent me a text saying he loves me and he is sorry

I want a new life but feel terrified of being on my own

[EeyoreNoMore]

I never really had much of a lightbulb moment until I came here and read Lundy Bancroft. By that point I was already out.

Like others it seems, he didn’t really fit the stuff I’d read about abusive partners. If only the information I’d read said that you would have plenty of good times together and you will love him but doubt him all at the same time, that would help!

[Nova]

Yes love him/doubt him rings so..true ENM!
I asked…what am I getting from this? I’m not supported emotionally , financially, physically!
We don’t really share many positive life moments…he doesn’t share,
I do!

& in the end I didn’t turn to him to look for a support love & care….or a hand to hold…it was all..shallow and empty!

Nothing real & meaningful, just this person who was there…he didn’t care about me, that was plain…when I looked at it all honestly.
& then in the cold light of day…I didn’t care for him,( I dreaded seeing him, hated him because I know he loved /Hated me… More!) after all his nasty ways inflicting pain…ultimately how could I !

C x

[Lightness]

Wow – so many similarities in here. Thanks so much for posting about the water torturer – i had not heard of this before but it rings very true to my experience. I had been struggling to understand why it took me so long to work out what was going on and this seems to be the missing piece in the jigsaw. Thankyou because I was blaming myself for not seeing the abuse. I also relate hugely to the point about loving them at the same time. I felt like a lot of the time things were fine and we did nice stuff together.
Once I realised it was abuse I felt I had no choice but to leave – I was terrified because suddenly his abusive nature escalated into everything he did and said. It was as though he knew that I had worked it out. The shoving, the gropes, the spiteful words, the projection, the victim mentality and the subtle ways he seemed to be proudly telling me he was mentally not right. It went from subtle water torture to full blown technicolour. I just had to run and never look back.

[Eve1]

Likewise Lightness, once I knew there was a formula to what he was doing as it were, I couldn’t stay with him. He was a nightmare, but to all outside he seemed fine. It took some time to not take the blame, as I’d done it for years. Once you can do that it makes a huge difference, doesn’t it?

xx

[KIP.]

Hi Lightness, I just wanted to add that I didn’t have a clue for decades. He was so clever and I accepted the blame for his behaviour. What saved me was a poster in the doctors surgery from Women’s Aid that asked if you were frightened to go home to your partner or were walking on eggshells around your partner. I got such a fright, how could somebody else know about my shameful secret. I actually looked around to see if anyone had noticed. This seed stayed with me but even after his arrest I was still in denial. Eventually when I accepted what he was I absolutely broke my heart. By that time my head had taken over telling me that he would kill me given the chance. So, for some of us it’s an overwhelming shock to the system. It’s beyond devastating to be abused by someone you love and you think loves you in return. But life goes on. Good riddance to bad rubbish X

[Lightness]

thank you Eve1 and KIP

Good riddance to bad rubbish as you say, KIP, and here’s to continuing to move on in 2017

x

[Author]

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