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    • #124860
      Eyesopening
      Participant

      Hi all,
      I was just wondering and wanted to talk.
      What are your experiences in a abusive relationship of when you have been ill?
      I am ill since (detail removed by Moderator), I think partly because I have so much on and do not get any support. I was planning on leaving this weekend, but I have absolutely no energy now. Stupidly I let him convince me to live far away from everyone we know. So I feel pretty alone. I just really need someone to look after me. Ok he did cook me dinner (detail removed by Moderator), even made me tea! But he wont do the washing up, or the food shopping, the house is a mess. It stresses me out that I am vulnerable and I do not 100% know that he will be there for me. Also it stresses me out that the house is such a mess.

    • #124862
      Neueranfang
      Participant

      My Ex NEVER looked after me when I was ill.He might have took the kids off me for a couple of hours (only if he wasn’t busy though) and that’s about it.I remember the last time when I was really unwell with fever and body aches.I couldn’t move…couldn’t leave the bed and I had to get the kids dressed on my bedside cause he couldn’t do it and if I would mention that he never supports me he would say things like ‘you have been in bed all day and haven’t done nothing’.Well yea cause I couldn’t move.He would also get annoyed because I couldn’t look after him when I was unwell xx

    • #124863
      Eggshells
      Participant

      Nope, no support from my ex. If I was too ill to do anything, he would suddenly and mysteriously become even more unwell than I was. He would invariably take himself off to bed and leave me to look after the kids.

      If the timing was too inconvenient for him to develop his own illness (e.g a get together planned with his family) he’d just clear off and leave me to look after myself. TBH this was preferable to the expectation that I would have to get up and look after him and the children.

      I went through some really serious illnesses that required hospital intervention, one illness that left me with a related chronic condition because I was unable to rest and recover with no support at all.

      He laughed at me when I cried because I didn’t think I would live long enough to see my youngest start primary school!

      Even when our baby was seriously ill in hospital, he visited once a day for half an hour.

      If he was ill, I was expected to wait on him hand and foot.

    • #124866
      Darcy
      Participant

      Hi Beautiful Angel … Eyesopening,
      This was one of my biggest wake up calls and concerns.
      My ex himself was of ill health and I use to nurse him, however I always thought what if I was poorly there was no way he was going to care for me.
      Sometimes I would just burn out and stay in bed for the day … about 5pm he would burst into the bedroom and shout are you getting up or what.
      He’d not got a kind caring manner and wouldn’t have know what I liked to eat and drink when I was ill like my family would.
      Even now I want a partner who would care for me if I needed him to, fancy things and meals out are all very well but being kind and caring out weights all of that.
      My parents have been married a very long time and I see how they look after each other… that’s all you want a partner to be… a true partner.
      Please take this as your wake up call.
      Sending you continued love and support
      Darcy xx

    • #124880
      Eyesopening
      Participant

      Thankyou for your replies.
      It’s heartbreaking, I cannot imagine how hard it would be also having children to care for.
      I’m sorry to hear that Eggshells, It’s something I’ve started to be afraid of, that I will have lasting illness from this whole experience. My health has plummeted these last years. I never understood what was wrong with me before. Now I know its the stress.
      Once I was seriously ill and couldn’t get out of bed for a week. He would count the days telling me its been too long. He wouldn’t come with me to the hospital. As always I was left a pile of washing up to do when I felt a bit better..
      I would cry, and he would kind of have a smile of his face. Said it will be alright and left the house. That’s when I really started to suspect he has no empathy. Well I’m reading Healing from Hidden Abuse now from shannon Thomas, she says all these incidents are like pebbles that you are collecting, you don’t notice at first, but over time you have a massive weight.
      I am, I must 100% leave and this time never come back

    • #124883
      Neueranfang
      Participant

      No these men don’t have any empathy.They only think about themselves and their needs.You are lucky you haven’t got any children with your partner.Recovering from giving birth was also impossible with my Ex.He dragged me out the house a day after giving birth and told me not to stay in all day as he’s got things to do.He made me miss my midwife appointments and thanks to him I had a really bad infection that had long lasting effects and scarred me forever.When I was coming down with the infection (developed a fever) we were at (detail removed by Moderator) with our newborn and I had to beg him to go home.(detail removed by Moderator) I had to drag myself to my gp (I could hardly walk)and he was busy, shouting at me when I called him to ask for help.My family are all abroad.
      Even straight after giving birth in the hospital, I asked him to get me something to eat.I fancied a (detail removed by Moderator) which was odd but I remember I was starving.He went off but never returned.He thought it was a joke and went to the pub instead to wet the babies head.It’s beyond selfish, beyond having empathy.He’s ruined giving birth to our children for me (both times) unfortunately x

    • #124901
      Headspin
      Participant

      Yes, my husband the same, absolutely no support. Memories of coping with a handful of young children with a raging temperature and vomiting he told me he wasn’t a “childminder”. Shouting at me “you’re the mother, you do it!” No food preparation for them, he didn’t work, he did nothing but complain about me and his children. He just checked out of his responsibilities and put himself first. Similar stories to Neurenfang, oh my goodness that is so familiar, my husband ruined each birth too. The last child, he was yelling at me while I was in labour and he was driving me to hospital “(detail removed by Moderator)” (Me panting through contractions)
      I remember my brother once rang me at home and during the conversation he said he had taken a week off work last minute because his wife had flu and he was looking after her and the kids. I wanted to weep with frustration.
      Coming out of hospital from a procedure, not even recovered and I was washing up.
      I think if a friend was telling me this stuff I’d tell her to run for the hills, yet here I still am.

    • #125613
      Monochrome
      Participant

      Oh yes, absolutely the same here!
      ‘He’ doesn’t lift a finger when I’m I’ll, it is clearly an inconvenience to him as I am obviously  (detail removed by moderator) ! Interesting how he expects the whole world to come to a standstill when he has the slightest hint of a sniffle!
      Mind you this is the man who was cross with me for being upset and grieving (detail removed by moderator) after a close friend’s funeral…!

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