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Hi all,
I was just wondering and wanted to talk.
What are your experiences in a abusive relationship of when you have been ill?
I am ill since (detail removed by Moderator), I think partly because I have so much on and do not get any support. I was planning on leaving this weekend, but I have absolutely no energy now. Stupidly I let him convince me to live far away from everyone we know. So I feel pretty alone. I just really need someone to look after me. Ok he did cook me dinner (detail removed by Moderator), even made me tea! But he wont do the washing up, or the food shopping, the house is a mess. It stresses me out that I am vulnerable and I do not 100% know that he will be there for me. Also it stresses me out that the house is such a mess. -
My Ex NEVER looked after me when I was ill.He might have took the kids off me for a couple of hours (only if he wasn’t busy though) and that’s about it.I remember the last time when I was really unwell with fever and body aches.I couldn’t move…couldn’t leave the bed and I had to get the kids dressed on my bedside cause he couldn’t do it and if I would mention that he never supports me he would say things like ‘you have been in bed all day and haven’t done nothing’.Well yea cause I couldn’t move.He would also get annoyed because I couldn’t look after him when I was unwell xx
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Nope, no support from my ex. If I was too ill to do anything, he would suddenly and mysteriously become even more unwell than I was. He would invariably take himself off to bed and leave me to look after the kids.
If the timing was too inconvenient for him to develop his own illness (e.g a get together planned with his family) he’d just clear off and leave me to look after myself. TBH this was preferable to the expectation that I would have to get up and look after him and the children.
I went through some really serious illnesses that required hospital intervention, one illness that left me with a related chronic condition because I was unable to rest and recover with no support at all.
He laughed at me when I cried because I didn’t think I would live long enough to see my youngest start primary school!
Even when our baby was seriously ill in hospital, he visited once a day for half an hour.
If he was ill, I was expected to wait on him hand and foot.
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Hi Beautiful Angel … Eyesopening,
This was one of my biggest wake up calls and concerns.
My ex himself was of ill health and I use to nurse him, however I always thought what if I was poorly there was no way he was going to care for me.
Sometimes I would just burn out and stay in bed for the day … about 5pm he would burst into the bedroom and shout are you getting up or what.
He’d not got a kind caring manner and wouldn’t have know what I liked to eat and drink when I was ill like my family would.
Even now I want a partner who would care for me if I needed him to, fancy things and meals out are all very well but being kind and caring out weights all of that.
My parents have been married a very long time and I see how they look after each other… that’s all you want a partner to be… a true partner.
Please take this as your wake up call.
Sending you continued love and support
Darcy xx -
Thankyou for your replies.
It’s heartbreaking, I cannot imagine how hard it would be also having children to care for.
I’m sorry to hear that Eggshells, It’s something I’ve started to be afraid of, that I will have lasting illness from this whole experience. My health has plummeted these last years. I never understood what was wrong with me before. Now I know its the stress.
Once I was seriously ill and couldn’t get out of bed for a week. He would count the days telling me its been too long. He wouldn’t come with me to the hospital. As always I was left a pile of washing up to do when I felt a bit better..
I would cry, and he would kind of have a smile of his face. Said it will be alright and left the house. That’s when I really started to suspect he has no empathy. Well I’m reading Healing from Hidden Abuse now from shannon Thomas, she says all these incidents are like pebbles that you are collecting, you don’t notice at first, but over time you have a massive weight.
I am, I must 100% leave and this time never come back -
No these men don’t have any empathy.They only think about themselves and their needs.You are lucky you haven’t got any children with your partner.Recovering from giving birth was also impossible with my Ex.He dragged me out the house a day after giving birth and told me not to stay in all day as he’s got things to do.He made me miss my midwife appointments and thanks to him I had a really bad infection that had long lasting effects and scarred me forever.When I was coming down with the infection (developed a fever) we were at (detail removed by Moderator) with our newborn and I had to beg him to go home.(detail removed by Moderator) I had to drag myself to my gp (I could hardly walk)and he was busy, shouting at me when I called him to ask for help.My family are all abroad.
Even straight after giving birth in the hospital, I asked him to get me something to eat.I fancied a (detail removed by Moderator) which was odd but I remember I was starving.He went off but never returned.He thought it was a joke and went to the pub instead to wet the babies head.It’s beyond selfish, beyond having empathy.He’s ruined giving birth to our children for me (both times) unfortunately x -
Yes, my husband the same, absolutely no support. Memories of coping with a handful of young children with a raging temperature and vomiting he told me he wasn’t a “childminder”. Shouting at me “you’re the mother, you do it!” No food preparation for them, he didn’t work, he did nothing but complain about me and his children. He just checked out of his responsibilities and put himself first. Similar stories to Neurenfang, oh my goodness that is so familiar, my husband ruined each birth too. The last child, he was yelling at me while I was in labour and he was driving me to hospital “(detail removed by Moderator)” (Me panting through contractions)
I remember my brother once rang me at home and during the conversation he said he had taken a week off work last minute because his wife had flu and he was looking after her and the kids. I wanted to weep with frustration.
Coming out of hospital from a procedure, not even recovered and I was washing up.
I think if a friend was telling me this stuff I’d tell her to run for the hills, yet here I still am. -
Oh yes, absolutely the same here!
‘He’ doesn’t lift a finger when I’m I’ll, it is clearly an inconvenience to him as I am obviously (detail removed by moderator) ! Interesting how he expects the whole world to come to a standstill when he has the slightest hint of a sniffle!
Mind you this is the man who was cross with me for being upset and grieving (detail removed by moderator) after a close friend’s funeral…! -
I feel for you all.
No one deserves to be neglected.
It’s heartbreaking.
Ive been ill since (detail removed by Moderator), i got a bit better now feel worse again, i feel like he secretly tries to make me worse. Like he tries waking me up early every morning so I don’t get a lie in. He kept the window open one night and i froze and feel worse again!
And ofcourse, i never stopping because there is so much to do (he creates more work) means you can’t really get your health back..
but i plan to go to my parents soon and never return. Where i will be appreciated and cared for. That’s when i started to see something was wrong, when i spent time with people who really loved me. I realized, this man doesn’t treat me like the people in my life who show me love, no matter how many times he tells me he loves me, his actions speak louder then his words and they mean nothing to me now.
I hope your all well and safe out there x*x -
Im sorry this has happened to you all.
I was very ill last year. We thought it might have bwen covid, but my husband initially refused to let me get tested because “it would look bad to our clients if i was positive”. I had to isolate from my children whilst trying to home school them from a different room. Ive never felt so ill. I did have a test after begging him to take me. It xame back negative but i was getting worse. I had to call the dr who got me rushed to hospital. It turned out to be (detail removed by Moderator). I had to stay in hospital but didnt have anything with me. He refused to bring anything in for me because he felt unwell! So i had to ask his sister to bring me some clothes. I was there for (detail removed by Moderator) days, wasnt allowed visitors and missed my children desperately. I got so depressed. When it was time to be picked up from the hospital i was relieved but so worried about going home as i knew i wouldnt be able to rest. When he got to the hospital he passed me my coat, said “its raining” and walked off. I was devestated. I needed a knight in shining armour to take me away and look after me and i got that instead. After being home for 2 days and still feelung weak (i had resumed home schooling and child care as he went back to work,) his back suddenly went and i ended up looking after him. He also made me go back to work far too soon. As a result it took me many months to fully recover. I honestly believe that the years of stress i have had contributed to me not being able to fight off this awful illness.
This is all very typical of my husband. Hes always got something wrong with him and always has an excuse for not being able to do anything about it, but im not allowed to be ill. -
Hi all,
I’m sorry to hear that Tryingtofindhope. It’s true the stress and anxiety of living in environments like this makes us physically weaker then we should be.
I’m a shell of the person I was, i have no energy for any of my hobbies anymore. I’m utterly exhausted all the time and struggle just to work and get through the day.
They are energy vampires.
X*x -
I’m not often ill but when I have been in the past he generally keeps away. He may bring me food/drink or whatever but overall he seems irritated at me being unwell even if he doesn’t show it, I can just tell. In his eyes, nothing could ever be as bad as how he could be feeling if he was unwell. He will also blame me sometimes, such as how I stayed in bed all day ill so we couldn’t do anything. If I complain of a headache he will often tell me that I’ve ‘always got a headache’ or that I take too many painkillers. So as you can imagine I don’t bother telling him anymore.
He’s also used covid19 as something to accuse me of at times. Such as if I cleared my throat he’d asked me why I was coughing or said he’s noticed I’ve been coughing a lot that day. Or told me I don’t take it seriously if I said it was nothing.
I’m not sure if he’s a hypochondriac or just uses any ailments he has to bring me and his family down but almost everyday he will complain of some sort of medical issue. I’m afraid I have no concern for any of it as it’s so exaggerated by him, it becomes so draining listening to it. He practically has his GP on speed dial x -
This topic made me think.
My ex would not tolerate me being ill. I still had to do everything for kids/around house and still go out to wherever he wanted. I can remember collapsing in the street and as passers by rushed to help, he just stood there telling me not to be so attention seeking and to hurry up.
He refused to let me contact/see doctors and made me cancel appointments. If we were away in a place where we had to pay to see a doctor, he would refuse to pay. Once I was taken to A and E. He paced around swearing and hurling abuse at me and saying how happy he was that I was in pain and trouble as I deserved it as I was disobeying him in seeing a Dr. Any prescriptions I had he said I must have forced Drs to give me.
He fined me hundreds of pounds for seeing a Dr as a punishment with a list of threats if I didn’t pay up.
He forbade me from taking the kids to see a Dr when they were ill and would find out from the school if they were absent/late in so he could ring me and threaten me.
But if he had the slightest sniffle he would grab all the cold cures, curl up under a duvet, announce he was dying and I had to wait on him hand and foot.
He was a monster as are many of the men spoken about on this forum.
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