When you loose friends because of your relationship…. Am I the wrong one?

[Anabela]

I have lost a good friend through this relationship. She does not want to talk to me, and I feel hurt by her… And I don’t know if I am wrong or right.
I knew her since I was little, but I think with time we grew apart. I care about her but she was not someone that I would want to tell my deepest secrets. She knew some bits and pieces of my relationship. That he is nasty verbally. That I am not happy. She was there on some occasions when I needed someone to talk to, but it did not happen that often. She did not know about violence. She did not know that this relationship was polygamous. She did not know that he had a child with another woman. A child that I adore and a woman that I was good friends with.
And then she got to know. A couple of months before, I mentioned of a child because I so wanted to tell her about that but I could not (and did not want to) tell the truth about my relationship. So I said a child is his cousin’s. Then through social media she got to know about another woman and a child (or it might be that another friend of mine told her). She got angry at me. And she was angry that I lied to her about a child’s parents. She wrote me so much and it all to me sounded way too much. It felt as if I was having a conversation with my ex. I was shocked and hurt by her reaction. And she was saying I was playing a victim. I thought it is my business what things I do tell and what things I don’t tell to my friends. And yet I really wanted to tell about a child because he is very important to me. Not telling about him seemed like a bigger lie than mentioning his parents.
She stopped talking to me. I tried to renew the contact, but she said that I lied so much, that she had to see therapist because of me and I dont even apologized. I said that I dont feel I have to apologize.
A month later I sent her a text that I missed our friendship… She did not reply and told through another friend that I would not try to contact her.
I do feel hurt. To me it seems that he was allowed to talk to me in any way he liked because I loved him and hoped for things to get better etc. But I would not allow my friends to make me feel worse about myself. Or judge me for my life. They’ve never been in my shoes. They don’t know what dilemas I had to face and how big every small step was for me. Her reaction sounded as if I was her partner and she just found out I had a baby with another woman…

AM I WRONG?????

[Tiffany]

It is absolutely gutting when you lose friends over something that is not your fault. And have no doubt, this isn’t your fault. My loss of close friends actually came before I met my abuser. I became disabled at a young age, and a lot of my old friends couldn’t handle it. They didn’t know how to spend time with me in my new disabled state and they didn’t like the reminder that this was something that could happen to them too. So they stopped contacting me. There were kind of two outcomes from this. Firstly I was incredibly vulnerable, which I think is part of why I ended up with an abusive man, but it also meant that the friends I had when I got into my abusive relationship had already stuck with me through what had at the time seemed like the worst time of my life, so I was really lucky to have people who stuck by me through the leaving process. I think in your place there are probably two things in play that resulted in your friend cutting you out of her life. The first is that you say that you have known this woman a long time, presumably since before you met your abuser. She will have seen you getting sucked in and changing, because we all change in response to abuse, and quite frankly like becoming disabled, the idea that this can happen to pretty much anyone scares people. And an easy response is sadly just to look away. The other thing is that the abuse makes us b****y hard to support. I feel like I, anyway, was split into two people, the abused Tiffany who defended her man up to the hilt and the real Tiffany who wanted out knew he was a rat b*****d. And for a long time abused Tiffany was in control most of the time, and you know what, even I find her infuriating. Why was she so indecisive, why was she lying for him. Why did she stay after he started hitting her? For people who haven’t been abused it is really hard to understand why we act the way we do. In summary, it sounds like what has happened is that your old friend is freaked out by the abusive situation, she doesn’t understand why you are acting the way you are, she is upset by the idea that this could happen to her and doesn’t want you around reminding her of it. You can’t out and say that to someone, but you have handed her a convenient thing to be upset about, that you told what is a pretty massive lie, and that’s given her the excuse to cut you out of her life. Don’t worry, we all understand why you did it. While in abusive relationships we have all told huge lies to cover for our partners. This doesn’t make you the bad guy. Just someone who is being abused.

[Anabela]

Hi Tiffany. Thank you for your reply. It’s hard that only those people can understand who has been in abusive relationships themselves. I guess I just have to feel grateful for the people who stuck by me till the end… I guess if I haven’t been in such relationship I also could not understand: why they stay? what is wrong with them? Or I hate when someone says: If I was you, I would have left straight away.. How do you know that if you have never been in my place.

[Serenity]

Hi Anabela,

Like Tiffany, I can understand why you did it. You did it because you were in a dreadful quagmire, struggling in a horrible swamp which you didn’t like, but you couldn’t get out. You were scared of his possible reaction and I remember you saying in past posts how you felt responsible almost for this child.

Maybe you sensed that she wouldn’t understand, and at the time you couldn’t have coped with any negative judgement. You knew if would affect you badly; you were trying to protect yourself.

( I’ve stopped telling certain people so many details about my life circumstances. I’m sure they are wondering why I’ve become so ‘secretive’ : but it’s just that I have been struggling to rebuild myself and couldn’t cope with any of the drama that might ensue if certain people knew absolutely everything. For example, I don’t tell one sister about my eldest child’s teenage antics, because what I see as natural teenage rebellion she would get all dramatic about! I’d much rather take these things with a pinch of salt- within reason. Maybe I am more laid back about parenting than she is , but that’s not a bad thing, surely?

I don’t want my life to be a goldfish bowl for everyone to peer in and comment/ try to control. I want to be the captain of my own life. )

In the end, you felt forced to hide the truth because you knew that you wouldn’t receive the support.

Turn it around: even though she is a long-term friend, that doesn’t give her the right to be told everything. Is she a bit like my family, and feels entitled to be told everything?

When we are in a relationship it friendship with someone who has a pushy or forceful personality, our own rights are often trampled on and we even begin to forget what those rights are. It’s worth looking up the Women’s Bill of Rights ( we were given them on the Pattern Changing course) : amongst them, are the right to privacy, to have your own opinions, etc. We don’t owe people complete transparency at all times. We have a right to have a cut-off point, a little distance and enough privacy to feel that we are our own person! This was a lightbulb moment for me: all my life I had revealed a lot about myself and been very transparent, but the wrong people can use the information against you.

Lying isn’t ideal, but sometimes it may be the lesser of two evils.

You’ve apologised. Maybe she needs time to see it from your point of view. She may reflect over time and come to see that the situation isn’t so black and white. It was very complicated. But if you do continue with your friendship, I suppose you could ask yourself whether your rights ( e.g. right to privacy) is invaded in this friendship?
Some people like to be told as much information as possible for the wrong reason- so that they feel more in control. I’m not saying that is the case herenrcessarily, but for example, my sister uses information to then comment, give her opinion and monopolise my life quite a bit. I prefer a more superficial relationship with her.

Don’t beat yourself up. Your situation counts as a very complex and extraordinary circumstance that many may not understand- but we on this forum understand what enmeshed you in that situation. You’ve messaged me before, and your situation sounded very frightening, and you really felt immobilised.
X

[Alone]

Sorry, I only have a few moments so I don’t have enough time to read the replies others have left, but I wanted to respond to your post.

I’ve been there. I lost all my friends and haven’t had any since, ever since I allowed them to find out about the abuse and was working on getting out at the time. I understand the emotions you’re going through; I’m sure you’re constantly re-thinking and re-living conversations and situations and trying to work out how they were your fault – because blaming yourself means it’s something you can fix, and of course, you want to fix it.

But it’s not your fault. Everyone decides on their own actions, and if your friend is blaming you, it could just be that it’s easier to pin the blame on you, than to admit she struggles with it, or doesn’t know how to handle it, or whatever the case may be.

She could be angry at herself for not noticing, she could be angry at you for ‘lying’ as she said, or it could be something else. Whatever the reason behind her actions, they are not your fault.

I wish I had time to write more eloquently and say more, but I really have to rush off, I apologise for that! But I hope that somehow you find the strength to focus on yourself, do your thing and if she gets in touch in the future, then the ball will be in your court. She has to work through whatever is going through her head in relation to this information about you and your situation, and she has to do that herself. I wanted nothing more than to hear from my best friend again, but eventually I came to realise that I had no respect for his actions or behaviour, and now I’d be happy to never hear from him again. Try to focus on your own personal growth, and allow your friend the space she needs, and just see what happens.

I hope I’ve made some sense! I hate to rush a reply, but I wanted to show I understand, and have been there and try to share my experience!

xx

[fizzylem]

Me too, I get it, get why you did it. I’ve lost most of my friends too, they fall away as like someone said, we’re too hard to support, and lets face it, not a lot of fun either for along time. I also feel I need to protect myself from judgement and anyone using information against me, or for gossip, because right now I feel as if I just cant deal with any drama or anymore hurt, any more difficulties so I’m lying low for now and savouring the peace that comes from not having too many relationships in my life. I’ve been doing a lot of processing lately around letting go, I have let go of these old relationships now, I accept this is the way it is and that just as I have needed to, they have also done what they need to do and this is ok. I feel much better, there is no pain for me now when I think of these relationships. I have unattached and let them go.

[Anabela]

Thank you all for your replies. I have not logged it to my laptop so that I could reply, but I read them all the same day and they cheered me up. Now I don’t feel as bad and only on those moments when I think of it, I get upset. But it is not that often. I can live with that. If she could not understand me and made it all about herself, maybe she wasn’t such a good friend. I do feel angry still for the way she talked to me and I need to let that go… It’s not good to be angry.

[Author]

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