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    • #12485
      shine bright 2
      Participant

      hi all,
      I’ve been doing good, but I’m feeling so lonely. I have no family. The people I had disowned me because I spoke out. I don’t have many friends because it was too hard. I don’t know how to make friends cos I’m always working a nd can’t afford evenings out. How do you make new friends. I’m so sad and alone sometimes. Social life before my social life was mainly family. As a culture women in my background spend a lot of time with extended family. Even when he beat me they were there to give sympathy bit now I’m.speaking up I am alone. Does anyone have any ideas but I’m not sure how long I can keep this up,but I’m not going to give in this time, so I.have to be strong. Does anyone known what I could do to find support and friendship that isn’t just professional…feeling sad.

    • #12487
      Ayanna
      Participant

      I lost my friends too and my family is far away. I have never been very close to them. When I fled I felt so dead inside that I did not notice that I had nobody. I only was furious about the lack of support that I received and I yelled at all those corrupt people who pretended to help but did not.
      Now, that my life is peaceful after all I have no desire to make any more friends. I have lost my trust in people.
      When I meet someone I think they are evil anyway. My experiences with people were so bad in the last few years that I only rely on myself.
      I am going back to studying. When I am off work I will be so busy with doing courses that I will not have time for fake friends.
      I cannot believe in friendship anymore. I have lost that belief system.

    • #12488
      shine bright 2
      Participant

      I want friends,love and company. The things I thought I had…but the price was letting him hurt me and pretending it wasn’t happening. For the first time in a long time I don’t think I can do it anymore. I have been so confident but as the time for him to be charged comes up I just feel alone. I’m not going back to self harming but it is hard at the minute.I failed before and I feel.like I just need a friend or someone to care. someone to tell me I’m not ugly or disgusting..what’s happened to all my cocourage?

    • #12490
      KIP.
      Participant

      Hi shine bright, you are not ugly or disgusting, that’s just his voice. I know you have children. Can they do some activities where you can sit with the other mums. Maybe volunteer. Even a couple hours a week. Speak to your local women’s aid and see if they have a support group you could join? I know it’s really hard to build your confidence back up. Keep trying different things you like and you will find like minded people x just take baby steps. The fact that you are missing company is a really good sign you are healing. For many many months I just wanted to hide away. Keep going❤️

    • #12495
      Falling Skys
      Participant

      Hi SB

      You are a wonderful, strong woman you stood up to abuse which is the hardest thing in the world to do.

      The people that are ignoring you are just not worth having. I have been blanked down the town and it hurt at first, but no longer. My children have sided with their farther, there is nothing I can do but I hope in time they will realise.

      Start a new hobbies, exercise, walking, photography something he wouldn’t let you do. I have made new friends that know only me and not my abuse life. Then it is up to you who you tell if any one.

      I have a WA support worker, knowing you have back up is a great help.

      Keep posting because we all care about each other here.

      FS xx

    • #12497
      shine bright 2
      Participant

      That made me smile coz he didn’t let me do anything at all!! Not even dress as I wished. KIP, you are right I would like to mix with other mums but these tend to happen when I’m working, but I know I need to try and get out there and do stuff…just tricky with so many kids and a job. Think I’m having a pre mid life crisis. had a big birthday…not middle age yet but not really young either!! I think this has made me feel life is sliding by and he took so much of it. The police woman talked about some of the medical stuff and I suppose seeing the photos and stuff made me feel bad. I’ve tried to present myself as being smart and cool or whatever, but then underneath I’m hideous…I think that’s really knocked my confidence. She was so nice and sympathetic but I just feel inferior…so sorry to moan. I know I’m rater without him, but being lonely drove me back before…but I can’t go back…(detail removed by Moderator)

    • #12511
      Ayanna
      Participant

      Yes do! Getting some justice is important! That will help with your self confidence.

    • #12533
      shine bright 2
      Participant

      Is it really that simple? Did it make things better for you? Will help that other people see pictures of my battered body? I had to take my clothes off for the photos…people are gonna see this
      If I do what the police want I will have to talk about how he held me down did stuff…sometimes sex in another way that is against my religion. People will read that he gave me stI. It feels like shame not confidence.

    • #12539
      Ayanna
      Participant

      We are conditioned from baby on to feel ashamed when men do things to us. We are made to feel ashamed when we have the period and bleed. We are made to feel ashamed to talk about being raped, being forced to have sex in positions we do not like, … This shame gives men the power over us.
      I have lost this shame.
      The rape laws are utter bs. Most men can rape women freely and get away with it. My rape case never went to court. I did not care to describe what he did to me. It is all with the police. I was suicidal at the time and they said there was not enough proof. Who has a witness in the bedroom when the husband rapes them. Such bs …..
      I was pleased that my ex abuser got a sentence. It was not what he deserved, but he got a sentence. It was a hard fight to get there because the judges want to let them get away.
      And yes, it feels better for me that he got at least a sentence. Even if it is only a rubbish sentence, he got something. It will be on his record forever.
      Every woman who takes the abuser to the court and tells everything what he did stands up for the many abused women who yet have to get the courage to do the same.

    • #12541
      shine bright 2
      Participant

      You are brave. For me it is not about a position I don’t like but one that I have been taught is sinful. It took me more than six years to let a doctor look at the scars all over the back of my body. I don’t show my body to men…It is forbidden…This is why I worry about court too

    • #12545
      Ayanna
      Participant

      You can tell that to the court so that only women look at the scars. There are lots of female prosecutors and judges. They cannot all ignore such a request. Did you speak to the victim support service of the court? They usually show you round before the trial. You can also speak to the police about this, to the detective who investigates your case. Send them an email about your concerns.
      I was educated like this as well.
      This shame education makes us quiet, shy and humble. This is what men want. That way they can keep us uneducated and submissive. Submission is treated as a virtue in women.
      That way they can rape us, beat us, humiliate us, tell us every nonsense in the world and we keep smiling and admiring them, even if they are the most stupid idiots we have ever met.
      And yes, there are sinful sexual positions. But are they really sinful?
      If it was not sinful, would you have enjoyed it? Everything that is enjoyable cannot be a sin.
      Is the question whether they are sinful or is it not rather that we are forced to do something that we do not want to do, that causes us pain and injuries against our free will?
      Rather it should all be about being coerced, being forced into doing things we do not want.
      In our cases those people who saw our injuries are professionals who probably see even worse injuries on a daily basis. They keep this confidential. And it should be possible to request women to look at you instead of men.
      My concern with men is that they cannot relate to what we go through because they are men. I have issues with male counselors because men did all the horrible things to me. I can tell them what happened, but their response is different from a woman. Usually males upset me. Therefore I avoid them. All the horrible things I suffered where done to me by males.

    • #12552
      shine bright 2
      Participant

      Thanks to everyone for your support. Took my little pieces of glass that I used to self harm with out the cupboard last night….but happy to say I just put them back again.Haven’t quite got to the point of chucking them out! Ayanna, I’m not sure I feel as you do. Although my husband beat me and inflicted permanent injuries even after we split. He sexually assaulted me as punishment
      I still don’t feel all men are like this. I have been lucky that I have been treated with respect by male police, although I was not comfortable with a male social worker and was given a different one. Everyone has been more gentle than I expected regarding my feelings about people seeing my body. I did show scars to a male Dr and it was ok he was nice..
      but he also reacted to what he was seeing..that was hard.
      My personal view is that some things are sin because god/Allah said a, because he knows what’s good for us. I do feel that he violated and ruined what Allah gave me…knowing what he was doing. I can’t say what day he is bang charged but I’m afraid.

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