When’s the right time to talk?

[Jugglingapples]

I am out of a physical and emotionally abusive relationship for a while now and I’m now worried about sharing my story. During the relationship there was an incident where I got an incling that he was going to physically hurt me so I pressed record on my phone and left it on the side so they wouldn’t know I was filming it. You can’t see anything but can hear what went on. I’m scared to even rehear the video and now I’m even more worried to share it. Will it be enough to take to the authorities? Should I have gotten out the relationship sooner? When’s the right time to talk?

[KIP.]

It’s good that you’re on here opening up. I think your next step should be talking to women’s aid who understand and will validate your feelings. It’s very triggering to go over traumatic memories and many of us are left with post traumatic stress disorder. Have you spoken to your GP. I had to write a lot down because I couldn’t speak it out loud. It’s going to take time and help to recover. Counselling is a good idea too x

[KIP.]

Domestic abuse is a pattern of behaviour so the recorded incident will be one of many. Try to write a journal if you can of all the incidents. Any witnesses, and emails, texts etc that may help. There is a national domestic abuse helpline which is great. Also, Living with the Dominator is a good book. There have probably been many incidents of abuse and coercion that you don’t yet recognise x

[KIP.]

The Police Domestic Abuse unit may be a good option too. Many of these abusers are serial abusers and there may well already be other women who have reported him and he may well already have convictions. Claire’s Law can help with finding out his past history. Victim Support are a good organisation to talk to. You don’t have to have reported a crime to use them x

[Wants To Help]

@KIP – Clare’s Law can’t be used to find out a past history of DA with an ex partner. It is only to find out the history of a current partner or someone you are currently in the process of splitting up with so you can risk assess how to leave safely. Once you have left them any risk of harm of being in a relationship with them is negated. It cannot be used out of curiosity/peace of mind to assure ourselves he has been like this with other people and not just us.

If ongoing issues post-separation are reported to the police they will be able to risk assess based on the person’s past history, but will not be able to tell the victim what that past history is. However, police should act accordingly and put safeguarding measures in place and/or signpost to other agencies to help with safeguarding. I did a post on Clare’s Law last week.

[Wants To Help]

Hi jugglingapples,

The ‘right time’ to talk will be when it feels right for YOU. As for your question of should you have gotten out of the relationship sooner? I guess on reflection we all know that we should have got out sooner, but in reality, we got out at a time when it was also the ‘right time’ for us to get out. The important thing is that you got out and have stayed out, so please do not give yourself a hard time for not doing so at an earlier point. There will be reasons why you didn’t.

When you say you are wondering if this recording is enough to take to the authorities, do you mean to the police? If so, then yes, you can always report abuse to the police, but what I will ask is what is it you would like them to do? Would you be reporting for ‘information only’ or in the hope of giving evidence and going to court for a prosecution and conviction?

Some ladies just want to report to the police to have the incident ‘on record’ only, but the police are a law enforcement agency and their policy for domestic abuse is that they have to record crimes and investigate them. They can go for victimless prosecutions if the evidence is there. This can put undue stress on a lady if they do not want their abuser formally dealt with as the police may take the situation out of their hands. There are pros and cons to this approach, but the pros are not always welcome at the time if it’s not what a lady wanted.

On the other hand, if you do wish to make a formal complaint and hope for a prosecution and conviction, then be prepared that the information may not pass the evidential threshold test by the CPS and a charge can be refused and the abuser can be released No Further Action. This can leave a lady feeling disbelieved, let down and many other negative emotions.

Many more ladies are now reporting matters once they have been out of the abusive relationship for some time. They are feeling stronger emotionally and mentally and are better placed for wanting a prosecution than when they were in it – which is completely understandable.

I would suggest you contact your local DA Support services (Google them for your area) and have a chat with someone about this, ask them if they will listen to your recording without you being in the room with them and get some advice from them. Sometimes, support workers can accompany you to an appointment with police to help you with the process.

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