where do I start

[oh dear]

Hello to you all I am reaching out as I think I have been in a n**********c marriage for (detail removed by moderator). Our marriage has been one long round of rows with me being told im to blame as I am mad and the c word. He is otherwise a placid man with lots of poor me tendencies, spitefully jealous of others and a very high opinion of himself. He leans towards anything criminal with interest and admiration, loves watching (detail removed by moderator), watches films repeatedly (detail removed by moderator) is extremely immature but believes he is a good man. He blame shifts always. New friends think he is so mild mannered. He has zero empathy for anyone and I mean zilch. He readily admits he does not feel anything even when his own father died. He has rigid routines. He is painfully lazy. He has an addiction to porn which he has hidden from me and each time i discover the rows erupt, it revolts me. He started to tell me I was nuts early on in our marriage and after about (detail removed by moderator) I started to think I was so I went for counselling. I have probably had (detail removed by moderator) lots of this therapy over the years and by this time I was suffering with anxiety and it helped me learn to relax. We never discussed him much as I said he was a kind man and that we had occasional bust ups but that we were both as bad as each other. Therapy helped me with relaxation. (detail removed by moderator) I read something by chance on gaslighting and the penny started to drop, we had just had a bust up as he had started swearing at me over something and I refused to talk to him until he apologised, he wouldnt and said (detail removed by moderator). This row went on a long time and he signed up to a dating agency. I spent the next (detail removed by moderator) being very mindful and sure enough he has N**********c tendencies. He went off sex (detail removed by moderator) told me hed been chatting on sex apps with other woman. Apparently he is sorry but said(detail removed by moderator). I need to build myself up with a good therapist. I am selling our home and shall be divorcing this awful excuse of a human being. I am scared but so determined, I have also lost the sense of who I am so I need help. I am on auto pilot at the moment. Thanks for listening

[Darcy]

Hi beautiful angel …oh dear
Well done for posting
You really seem to have a sense of what has gone on and observed this man for a long time … I can tell you have an inner strength so I am confident you will find a new better life after this man
I completely understand how you must be feeling, its a shock when we peel away the layers of these men
I think you have identified that this is not a nice person or someone you want in your life anymore and its great you have got the ball rolling with selling your house and divorcing him
This is the time to put the work into yourself as he may try to love bomb (shower you with affection) and/or guilt trip you in getting back with him so you have to be super strong and always hold the though of why you don’t want to be in this relationship anymore
Read and research as much as you can, on types of abuse and also self love … this will empower you
I always recommend Louise Hay, You Can Heal Your life, book or audible
Draw on the forum for support and keep posting
I am myself, living proof that there is life after abuse … you got this
Sending you continued love and support
D xx

[oh dear]

Thank you Darcy for the welcome and also advice. At the moment I have retreated as much as possible because he just keeps saying ”why cant you just stop this for F sake I have said I’m sorry” and now I am getting between (detail removed by Moderator) texts a day mainly begging for forgiveness with the odd angry vile one thrown in. I am not responding as it goes round in circles, I suggest he has some counselling, he refuses saying he doesnt need it, I explain his behaviour is damaging others and it might help us all if he had some therapy and he refuses shifts the blame towards me and gets angry or extremely depressed. I am lost for words or emotions. I am decluttering our home ready to put the house on the market and I secured a full time job which starts soon. Its at this point I usually start to crumble, I get scared he may do something stupid, I end up feeling sorry and a little guilty maybe and my worst feeling is fear of being alone and that I am making a terrible mistake. I’m living on youtube at the moment trying to gleep some therapy for myself xx

[nbumblebee]

Hi,
I have no advise im still here with my husband whis not too nice but alot of your story sounds like mine so I wanted to reach out. To be able to see whats going on and then act upon that as you have done takes such strength and courage you should be so proud of yourself, to me anyone who is able to leave their abuser are amazing.
I can imagine how scarey and overwelming it may all feel and how you have a huge mountain still to climb but you have taken those first steps so now its onwards and upwards towards the top of that mountain and when you get there just imagine how beautiful and free that view will feel. Keep believing keep climbing you are amazing. Xxxxx

[oh dear]

Thank you nbumblebee
I just want to say that I don’t really have courage, I wish I did. I think I draw strength from realising I have been emotionally abused and for me it helped as for many many years I believed him in the fact that I was emotionally unstable, he was very kind towards me when I was having panicky episodes ect and that made me believe he was the nicest guy on earth. I think a telling sign is that I noticed over the years that I didn’t feel safe around him and yet I adored him it really did confuse me. For a while now I have been observing patterns in his behaviour and it has become so much worse with almost a total disregard for me. He can tell me about his day and when I start to tell him about mine he just turns and walks away. It was never like this before. He is very agitated most of the time and there are a few other things that I can’t say but for some time I had been wondering if he has the start of dementia and I am still on the fence with that one. He was once a lovely man but not anymore.
I am very busy clearing the clutter for the best part of the day and it helps as I seem to have morning anxiety and I also feel surges of anger for not only the betrayal but also the way he dismisses it. I am trying to find a local therapist that has experience of this field. I may also need to get the police to have a word with him if he continues to harass and abuse me in my own home, its something I thought about in the past but didn’t see it through. I also have these overwhelming episodes where my stomach churns at the thought of him with another woman as it will definitely happen and this is a biggie for me and i am hoping to learn some coping skills. xx

[nbumblebee]

We are so good at seeing our faults we never see the truth. I see a lady that has seen her husband as abusive that has admitted to herself this is happeneing someone that has acted upon that and is preparing for a better safer freer life. Someone who has reached out for help someone who has taken a huge huge decision and is acting upon that. BRAVERY COURAGE BALLS. Thats what I see sweetie you are incredable.
Me i come on here and i can say how my husband is nasty controlling, demanding, spiteful, hurtful, selfish,hiw he makes me feel so low so degrading that i self harm, but is it abuse? No i cant see or say it is. I come on here to let off steam then i close my eyes again and pretend all is great in my life its easier when hes nice yes but i do it all the time. That is not bravery or courage my friend.
I can understand how hard it is how sick scared and anxious you must feel but keep moving foward keep reaching out for help and try really try to give yourself some credit you really are doing amazing sweetie. Keep fighting. Xxxxxxx

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