12th January 2016 at 1:02 pm #7601
Well, I don’t know where to start with this post. I’m a member from the old forum, and I think it will be obvious who I am once I start writing.
When I last shared, I had been through the process of talking to relevant organisations/support workers etc and admitting my family situation for the first time. I went through the process, and was told I wasn’t entitled to housing. At the time, I was being bullied at work as well as at home. Well, I still am, but I cope with it a lot better as I am no longer relying solely on that income, after taking on a second job.
I worked so hard to change my life, and I guess that had to make a difference somewhere along the line. I have never been allowed keys for the home, but I now have one. There are two doors to access, but I can wait outside until a neighbour opens the one I have no key for, so I am on the streets less.
I am finally allowed to turn the storage room I have been living in into a bedroom! I can’t remember when I last slept in a bedroom, so that is a massive change. On the old forum I mentioned requiring certain equipment to aid my health conditions, and once I’ve finished sorting through everything I will finally be able to set that up – after years of arguments caused by it.
The piles of stored items were taller than I am, so it is taking me a long time to get through it all. I do some before work each day and work on it all day on my days off. I was never allowed to touch the windows or open the curtains, and when I did, they were black and disgusting, but I scrubbed them clean and it feels so strange to have windows and to be able to let natural light into the room! I have also never been allowed a working light in there, but I have electricians due this month so I may soon have a light as well! I feel such a difference in the air in there, I’m cleaning and sorting non stop. I’ve thrown out more than 40 bags full of things, donated and given away things as well.
So that’s all good news; I will finally have my own little place in the world. Still in the abusive home, but still somewhere to escape to. I’m at a stage right now where I feel I’ll never finish it, but I will be so pleased with it once I do.
But I have never been more miserable. I am gaining all these material things, but I lost everything that I wanted to live for in the process.
My family disowned me when I started speaking up. I recently discovered that a family member is having some serious medical treatment on a regular basis – and no one told me. I didn’t have the opportunity to say anything, to wish good luck or anything. I have been so cut off that I was completely excluded. That hurt. I still don’t know the details, it is an on going situation.
I spent Christmas day alone, in a place with no sign of festivities. No one remembered me to wish me a Merry Christmas, and those I contacted didn’t respond. NYE I was in bed before 9pm, and once again, not a single well wisher contacted me. I now have a lonely birthday coming up, and also the deadline for booking the free holiday I mentioned on the other forum. I have no one to take the holiday with, and being my first ever holiday and currently struggling with isolation, I don’t think it would be wise to attempt a holiday alone.
I spent the entire Christmas day sitting alone writing out a suicide note. In a way this was helpful because it allowed me to let a few things out, but I guess that’s never a good thing to feel a need to write.
Every single person I contact ignores me. I do not deserve to be ignored, I haven’t hurt anyone or done anything to anyone, I just went through a year of ever increasing problems – surrounded by bullies, false accusations, becoming homeless, unable to support myself, bad luck with organisations I approached etc. I didn’t ask for it, I didn’t fabricate any of it, and I did my best to keep coming up with solutions to overcome it. And every step of the way I considered those care I about, and how things would be affecting them and did my best to minimise the risk of causing them stress.
I should have so much to look forward to right now. After tackling everything I should looking forward to completing my room, I should be looking forward to my first holiday and my first taste of independence (which is now not going to happen). I felt ready to throw myself into my new life and step out of the shadows caused by abuse, only to find myself thrown straight back into it – caused by loneliness and isolation. I literally go months at a time without having a conversation. The only time I speak is to customers at work, and that’s to answer the same old questions over and over. I am a sociable and excitable person, and I want to burst with excitement over the changes in my life to the few people who know about my personal situation, but of course I can’t.
To be embarrassingly honest, it was having friends who loved and trusted me that made me want to attempt and make such drastic changes in my life. They saw me at my best, before the bully took it all away and they believed I could do more. They confided in me when stressed and we had random conversations about everything. When I eventually shared my personal problems with one of them in particular I felt so bad. He was supportive, and never allowed me to blame myself or feel bad for the things I don’t know how to do, he understood it wasn’t my fault. I felt supported, but I still felt bad. Every single time he offered a kind word, every time he brought up my situation to check how I was doing, I wanted it to end, with all my heart. I did not want to be hurting or causing my friend worry, I wanted to get back to the carefree, mutually supportive friendship we had. And whilst I was reporting my own family that was the only thought that carried me through. That I would finally be free of abuse and be able to show those I care about that I did it, that I got through it and get back to how things were before.
But to suddenly find myself cut off – and not just by those I cared about, but by acquaintances too – is just more than I can handle. I feel like I tackled everything but lost the reasons I did it. I am gaining these material things, but the more I see my room taking shape, the more distressed I feel. I would give everything back and go back into silence if I could take everything back. I find a text notification on my phone, and for a second my heart gains hope, but it’s always just a network message. I start working on the room, and I have a question, or I get excited and pick up my phone to share – but then I can’t. I go to work where I am usually put to work alone with just customers, so no colleagues around me and answer the same old customer questions. If one of them amuses me or reminds me of someone, I go to contact them with a smile – but then my smile drops, and I remember I can’t.
I do not deserve being ignored, I went through hell, I didn’t cause it!
At a time I was feeling stronger and more independent than ever, I feel like I am now being destroyed from the inside out. I would be going from strength to strength trying all the things I have never been allowed to, if only I still had people in my life to try them with. I don’t think I deserve this, but there’s nothing I can do about it 🙁
I apologise for the long post, people don’t want to hear my struggles when they have their own!
12th January 2016 at 1:50 pm #7605Confused123Participant
U never have to apoligize, let me give u a massive hug first, so osrry u feeling alone, sorry i havent worked out who u are yet, im an old member too but luckily i managed to stick with same name, if u need some to chat to try and contact me or give me your no and i can call u back, u r supposed to be able to contact people on here direct but i dont know how to. Everyone needs support hun, the ladies on here r like life savers and offered me loads of support during my hard times. How about u join a gym or a class as a way to meet people or get u that fresh air, its horrible when friends get busy in there own life and suddenly have no time, but we always here for u. Its sad that your family disowned u when u spoke up,, but u know what that means they cant handle the truth, but u carry on getting support for yourself, speak to a counsellor, can your gp refer u, i find when we come out with our abuse, our families find it hardest o accept and handle, my family actually cant hear it they find it to painful and prob like yours dont understand how hard it is to walk away. Have u spoke n to a support worker about how u feeling, why r u not going on this holiday because u will be on your own, take it as a time to have a break and rest and recover, re discover yourself, recovery is long road as these men have broken us down, taken our confidence and self esteem away, find that person u want to be , focus on this year being about u
12th January 2016 at 2:30 pm #7610
Hi confused, thanks for the reply.
I already attend a gym, but as it is an outdoor gym there aren’t many people who take it as seriously as I do there, so I don’t meet anyone and also being winter I’m usually the only there these days. I can’t afford to pay to join an indoor gym. It’s my family that abuse me, so their disowning me is likely permanent, at the time it hurt but didn’t destroy me because I thought I had a new family with my friends. How wrong I was 🙁 I left my doctor because they failed to help me the last time I went – speaking to me in a condescending tone and repeating things I had said back to me as if I was lying. (Such as “you pay your family rent??”) and they refused to offer me any practical help to fix the situation, and instead referred me to go online and talk on a forum. I had gone there for practical help to change the situations I was in, not to be talked down to and dismissed the way I was. I haven’t yet registered with a new GP, right now I want the pain to stop but I feel too depressed to deal with it in a positive way. I feel so untrusting of everyone now, I feel that loneliness is all I will ever have now and that I either need to get used to it or get out. I’m really struggling.
I don’t want to take the holiday alone because it will be my first ever holiday, and travel costs and expenses are not included, so I would struggle to pay for those. I am sick of my own company, and have no one to talk to or share things with, so I wouldn’t enjoy it at all. I can only afford to eat once a day, so being in a strange place I wouldn’t be able to go out to eat etc. I wouldn’t be able to pay to enter places. I feel I would just be moving the location of my loneliness and making myself feel even worse. Christmas was so hard and made me sink into the depression I currently find myself in, I really feel going away alone wouldn’t help, and I’m devastated because I was really looking forward to it, I had it all planned out and was so excited to be able to offer the opportunity to my friends as a thank you for sticking by me.
I see so many people go through misunderstandings, or hard times but they manage to work it out. I know someone who constantly hurts the people around him with his comments and actions, and yet he is constantly forgiven. I know where I went wrong – when I was in the midst of losing everything, I became so scared of losing my friends that I held on too tight. I started over explaining myself, and trying to be a false version of my usual positive self. I realised what I was doing and took a time out to tackle everything alone and when I tried to get back in touch people had cut me off. I don’t think I deserve it, I understand that my difficult period being so long must have made it seem like I would never bounce back, but I did. I guess I just wasn’t worth waiting for. As someone whose own family hate her, I shouldn’t expect anything more from anyone else!
Even the people who used to use me for freebies I could get through work don’t want to know me. I think part of me always held on to a shred of hope, and now that all these celebrations such as Christmas, New Year and birthdays are coming and going without so much as a one line greeting it’s all hitting me like a sledgehammer..
13th January 2016 at 2:42 pm #7679
Have been cleaning all morning, now have to get myself ready for work. It’s shocking the state this room was in..! Still so much to do. After cleaning I always go to call someone to talk about something I found, or ask advice on cleaning or organising things, but can’t. I stupidly put myself out there by asking a few people to do something for my birthday. Of course the answer is either being ignored or no!
I think the price of gaining all these material things was far too high. I was doing okay before, I coped. 🙁
13th January 2016 at 2:59 pm #7682KIP.Participant
Hi Alone, changes take time. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Your goal should be to remove yourself from your abusers. You sound like a lovely, hard working person. Perhaps you can rent a room from a nice person nearer your age and then have the freedom and home comforts you deserve. Try to do something that will make you happy on your birthday❤️ It’s important to have something in your life that makes you happy x take care x don’t know when your birthday is, don’t tell as it will identify you but 🎉🎉🎉🎂🎂🎂🎂🎁🎁🎁 happy birthday when it comes.
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