Where shall I begin

[Drawingsonthewall]

Hi, I’m feeling like I’m at a brick wall at the moment. I am a homeowner with husband. We’ve been married and together a really long time and have children together. I’ve realised a few years ago that he wasn’t treating me in a way that is healthy. I react so we’re in a loop of his, what I believe is n**********c behaviour and my reactions to it, which I’m trying to avoid doing. It’s just toxic to everyone. I am miserable, kids are too and want out of it.

Too many false promises. After begging to go to counselling (detail removed by Moderator) and getting dismissed that we’re too busy, he’s now promised to go to counselling but this is after he’s done heaps of emotional damage with accusations, awful unreasonable behaviour towards me and the kids. Dismissing feelings of me and the kids, shouting, occasionally throwing things at me, (detail removed by Moderator) flicking me with clothing with buckles and zips in, getting in the faces of me and the kids when he’s shouting off at us.
When I write this I realise it is all abuse but it’s hard when you doubt everything like he’s a lovely person and it wasn’t always like this. It’s been bad for at least (detail removed by Moderator) years, he’s been slowly withdrawing, like not coming to Help when I was in a car accident (detail removed by Moderator), he stayed at work. No interest in things to be done like sorting (detail removed by Moderator), insurance things, general stuff like where we go on holiday yet blames me for booking somewhere that wasn’t as nice as we’d hope.
It’s like he turns up at the end of the day for hotel services with. No investment apart from sending me money towards bills.

He has become very stroppy about me working saying things like seeing my new friends when I moved to another site, I have always had at least 2 job’s since leaving school so it’s not new. He pushes my buttons and seems to manage to upset me before I go so I end up in tears.

He dislikes me going out, I’ve always been social with family and friends, he’s accused me of all sorts.

I don’t think this is a ‘normal’ healthy relationship? I try and keep the kids calm so he doesn’t kick off.
We are currently on a (detail removed by Moderator) day loop of nastiness, awkward then nice and lovey dovey and when I don’t want to have anything sexual with him he goes to withdraw and the whole loop over again.

I never rush into anything and I some times doubt what’s happening. I think this is emotionally and verbally abusive?
He has until now refused to leave and I have been searching for a rental. But it’s all too expensive for me as I work 2 (detail removed by Moderator) roles. He has now said he will get somewhere and as yet he has not done anything other than look at the information I’ve sent for a letting agent and the local homelessness depth at the council.

I rang citizen advice and they sent the details for WA hence me being here.

Has anyone been here? I don’t know what to begin with to get out… Ive got a new job with hours that will mean I don’t have to rely on anyone for childcare regularly.
I think I’ll need a solicitor to officially separate?
I am currently working on getting our house sale ready in the hope I can get him to actually leave and I can temporarily stay until a sale.
. Sorry for the rant and I hope this makes sense but I’ve not spoken to anyone else apart from a watered down version to my sister recently and I have no idea where to begin with picking my whole adult life apart.

[Hereforhelp]

Hello drawingsonthewall,

Your husband is verbally, emotionally abusive, he is also controlling and manipulating you… I was married for many years to an abusive man and it took a lot to separate from my husband as he made it difficult..

Yes seek free 30 min solicitors appointments, I would suggest not discussing this with your husband, I had to think of it as educating myself on my rights.

Abusive partners will claim to leave but rarely do, as they do what suits them and their needs. They also blame others for.their behaviour or alcohol/their past..anything other than take responsibility.

I also found speaking to ny local Citizens Advice Bureau helpful and my GP.

You do not have to live this way, you deserve to be happy… feel feel to PM me.

Big hugs
HFH ❤️

[Hereforhelp]

Also, Rights For Women is a free service which you can call and they can advise legal routes without any pressure on you… I found it helpful learning about what abuse is, educate yourself as much as possible xx

[Drawingsonthewall]

Thank you so much Hereforhelp. I feel. Such a fraud at times because he can be lovely but then I guess that’s the part where its not normal isn’t it…
Appreciate your reply

[Hereforhelp]

Yes that’s very relatable, my ex could be the loveliest person as well … it’s part of the abuse cycle… have you read up on FOG cycle of abuse? Fear, Obligation and Guilt feelings can play a huge part in keeping ourselves stuck
Xx

[Drawingsonthewall]

Thank you @Hereforhelp

[nbumblebee]

Yep im here too. The doubt the fear the wall that stands in your way and stops you from leaving. I too have been married decades have kids a house business I am stuck in what feel like quick sand so yeah i get it too sweetie.
Mine doesnt even believe he is wrong and i dont have the energy to tell him so we continue in this cycle day after day iys miserable.
I cant really advise you as id sound like such a hypocrite but K know the ladies on here will, I want to say seek advice from a solicitor seek advice from womans aid on where you stand with regards to the house. Keep taking baby step foward as you have been and you will find your way through. Take care and stay safe x

[tiredofitall]

This sounds so similar to my life, I could have written it! I was married for a long time to a n********t. He always had occasional outbursts but it definitely became more frequent during the last 5 years. He would argue over nothing, in his rages he would smash furniture, slam doors, throw things. He would scream in my face, raise a fist. He wouldn’t hit me but he has held me down and twice by the throat. Always justified by me not listening to him, his voice not being heard. I was on high alert all the time to intercept if he started to get too much on our children. It always escalated and I felt bad for that but you get forced into behaving in a way that’s not you. I don’t argue with anyone else in my life, that’s not the type of person I am. But it felt like I had no choice with him to protect myself and our kids. As they got older his behaviour was harder to ignore, especially if I wanted them to know how to behave in a good relationship. One day I just had enough.
I told him I didn’t want to be married anymore. I saw a divorce lawyer and instructed them. Then I told him it was happening whether he wanted it or not and I didn’t care how long it took. The courts could force him to agree to sell our house. I got estate agents in to value. He resisted and argued with my every day for months. I couldn’t afford to leave and neither could he. I turned the dining room into a bedroom and essentially set out trying to live separate lives until the house sold. It was VERY hard but I stayed focused on the end goal. Freedom. Its now been (detail removed by Moderator) months since I’ve been in my new house with the kids and it was worth it. I’ve never felt better. Feel free to message me if you have specific questions. x

[Drawingsonthewall]

Nbumblebee thankyou, it’s awful isn’t it, really appreciate your reply

[Better-days]

Hi I hope you don’t mind me asking this but my life feels like yours was and very much like @tiredofitall has described. How did your husband react when you told him you wanted to separate. I tried this and my partner went absolutely crazy smashing things telling me to go but leave kids ect. I knew from then on I would need to escape without telling him. I never ever wanted it to be like that I have two young kids and have a daily battle of what to do and what will damage them most. Xx

[Drawingsonthewall]

Tiredofitall, you are fantastic getting through that. It’s tough when you’re not just able to pick up and leave. I will read these again when it’s another bad day for inspiration

[Drawingsonthewall]

I understand that battle where you try to keep the damage to them at lowest possible. @Better-days
He gets defensive and says leave then, he hasn’t smashed things but becomes verbally aggressive, nasty and I leave the home and then it’s like he forgets when I. Get back what the. Problem is and what he’s done. It plays with my head totally. I have to explain why I want to keep away etc totally drained by it.
Hope you’re OK x

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