1st January 2019 at 4:50 pm #69697
Hi, my first post with a heavy heart…(detail removed by Moderator) years of marriage and I feel as if I have lost everything I have ever had .I don’t mean material things, I have lost my self respect self belief my soul.It is when I started reading the posts I allowed to admit that I have been for years emotionally and verbally abused. I am craving to be loved and valued and at the age of (detail removed by Moderator) it seems too late. The latest b**w happened at the beginning of (detail removed by Moderator) when I accidentally discovered he had been messaging another lot younger women that he had met (detail removed by Moderator).The messages were from the first thing in the morning and the last thing at night….and to be honest it would have not mattered as I have already realised that he is a n********t and manipulating ,but he actually was really nice , since he returned from (detail removed by Moderator), he was controlling his temper, he spoke nice and I fell for it ..I truly believed he was trying….to be faced with the truth..photos a d conversations he had shared with her at the times he claimed he was busy…photos that read (detail removed by Moderator)…words like we have (detail removed by Moderator)..(detail removed by Moderator)…I confronted him..biggest mistake …now I have been made robe the jealous controlling person who has ruined his friendship…I am the one who is coming between them..and in the same breath he will say how he loves me…I am broken…crying for days and night , living with self loath and ridicule from him…so weak and depressed ..have I overreacted? ..For years I have been told how stupid and ugly …the f..off..is normal greeting …Screaming and shouting daily routine…I am tired
1st January 2019 at 6:20 pm #69699
No your right to confront him if he’s beginning an affair, those aren’t just friendly messages. He’s gaslighting you, the old classic your being jealous, over reacting line. N*********s only care about one person that’s themselves. Let him go as unfortunately she may be his next victim. I’d cut my losses. Depending on your circumstances I’d get advice fro womens aid as leaving is the most dangerous time for a woman. You don’t have to take his abuse and it will only get worse. These men want it their way or no way. I wouldn’t underestimate him. Sending you a hug and support xx you’ll get through this as many women have travelled this road. Once you have no contact and are able to move on you’ll recover and be just fine xx 💕 💕 DIY
1st January 2019 at 6:46 pm #69700HalfwayoutParticipant
Hi Longdays, sorry to hear your story but it’s never to late, I’m of similar age and went through the same fears as you when I realised I couldn’t carry on this life. did I want to end up like my OH’s mother? There is an over 50’s board you may find helpful.
Your not overreacting it just him “projecting” the guilt off himself onto you, you’ve took away one of his toys.
DIYMum is right, if he’s got a new victim it makes it easier for you to move on.
The more you read about their behaviours the pieces start to fall into place and it will give you strength to move forward, when you do, he will feel threatened though.
When I started the process of leaving, I confided in some close friends and over the time they’ve given me so much support and validation that we are worthy.
Hang in there, you will get through this and find your a far stronger person than he is. xx
1st January 2019 at 7:45 pm #69701
Read Living with the Dominator. My ex did exactly what yours is doing. Right down to using the similar phrase. We have deep feelings for each other. It’s simply just another form of abuse. He’s gotten away with so much over the years they actually think this behaviour is acceptable and he will continue to rub your nose in it. To hurt you the best wayhe kniws hiw. This was the final straw. He really thought I’d be grateful and beg him to come back to me. I went straight to a solicitor and started divorce proceedings. He just didn’t see that coming. That was my escape route and I grabbed it. He won’t ever change. I bet he’s told her he’s separated. Utter nonsense. My ex ‘girlfriend’ actually changed her Facebook status to in a relationship with my husband. He didn’t see that coming either (detail removed by Moderator). Good riddance to bad rubbish, yes it hurts like hell but this is your big wake up call.
1st January 2019 at 8:29 pm #69704
They know what hurts and they use it, including dangling another woman under your nose. It’s horrible but you don’t have to take that if you can keep him away from you, social media too xx 💕 💕
1st January 2019 at 9:22 pm #69705
Thank you, I honestly feel as if I am losing my mind.He insists it’s nothing I am crazy and controlling.He wants be able to call her and have his friendship.He tonight after shouting abuse and even saying that our (detail removed by Moderator) year old is hiding his phone from me so (detail removed by Moderator) (our son said it is a horrible lie and he is sorry for me) Involving our sons is the worse.After (detail removed by Moderator) he returned with a story hiw (detail removed by Moderator) ..how this woman who is (detail removed by Moderator)years younger than him and lives (luckily or not) in another country is great and (detail removed by Moderator)…expect me to sit and listen.He than states how he wants to put me first ..but could he reply …I say ..ok but (detail removed by Moderator)
..He says yes but continues to say (detail removed by Moderator)…She was calling him (detail removed by Moderator) ….I stand my corner and say that it is selfish and rude from her and also him….it goes like this fir a while …than he snarled again tells me (detail removed by Moderator) and storms into bedroom…I am at my wits end …but reading your responses I realise I need to find a way out…I have no job at the moment..so I guess I need to get financially secure …try not to cry and be depressed…my heart is shattered and my energy is gone …oh …actually I just feel like crying, curling and hiding….Thank you all for your support .It means so much….as everyone sees him as a kind and loving man….
1st January 2019 at 9:23 pm #69706
Thank you thank you thank you
1st January 2019 at 9:35 pm #69708
My ex involved our son too. They really are despicable people. Please contact your local women’s aid when you get the chance and keep reading other posts on here. I was with my husband for decades. Turns out I didn’t know him at all. You can bet this won’t be the first affair. It’s just that they become so uncaring they can’t even be bothered to hide it and they just want to see us suffer. As other abusive behaviour becomes his normal to us, he then has to up,his game for a bigger reaction. No normal person would behave this way. No loving caring partner would treat you this way. Can you imagine if the tables were turned and you behaved this way? It’s mind blowing. Get some good legal advice. Most family solicitors offer a free initial consultation. Find out your rights. My ex was simply prepared to carry on living with me and expect me to just allow his behaviour. I suppose they think we have been trampled over for so long it’s inevitable it comes to this. They were a mask for other people but it will slip. Caring and loving doesn’t bring another woman into a relationship. It’s called triangulation.
2nd January 2019 at 8:10 pm #69767
It’s the audacity of these men that give us the sheer frustratration xx I only discovered triangulation a few weeks ago. It’s another method of abuse for sure, it inflicts such a deep hurt. Using your children is just lower than low xx sending a hug and strength and also to say you will get out safe eventually xx 💕 DIY ✌
3rd January 2019 at 1:18 pm #69827EbonyRavenParticipant
You’re not being jealous or controlling, and have done absolutely nothing wrong here.
Had a very similar thing happen (twice now), where he took up with a woman and they would send hundreds of texts back and forth every day. (detail removed by moderator) He went and got himself a really good phone with a text and minute plan, now I know it was just for this.
We’d be talking, a text would come in, and our conversation was just dropped to read and reply. It would be like I suddenly wasn’t there, no matter how important the conversation.
One night the phone was upstairs, he wasn’t, and it kept beeping with the repeat incoming text noise. (detail removed by moderator). I was trying to sleep, (detail removed by moderator) and I have to get up early for work, in the end I picked the phone up and opened the text to shut it up. I think he’d forgotten he’d left the phone there charging. Anyway, some inappropriate words caught my attention and I scrolled through the conversation. Suggestiveness, flirting and lots of emotional stuff about wanting to be together etc.
I lost it and texted her, saying (detail removed by moderator)
When he found out he went beserk and accused me of killing his trust in me, of being sneaky and jealous and etc. He still does that now from time to time.
He also accuses me of losing him his ‘best friend’ because he gave her up for me. I totally don’t believe that for a second. I think she eventually saw through him, or got sick of waiting for him to leave me (he had said he might to her). Or, he dropped her because it was no longer something he could torture me with.
I noticed recently that he was grooming a woman through online contact, to be his next supply. Yes, he does it in front of me, flirting mercilessly whilst also sending me messages saying he still loves me. I messaged her and warned her. I couldn’t have it on my conscious if I’d not done so.
Turns out he’d told her a massive pack of lies about himself and our marriage. She called him on it and of course, because they have the massive arrogance of thinking no-one would ever question them, he had no backup to his lies at all, and the story soon fell to bits she told me.
He’s been giving me the cold shoulder since, after the initial nasty tirade about my being a jealous freak. I love a cold shoulder from him, it means he spends all day in his room, and I get peace.
It’s not you. Don’t feel guilty at all.
4th January 2019 at 3:43 pm #69922
This has been so good to read, the phrases you put are exactly the same he had used,,, How he can’t believe I betrayed him, I just like you ended up messaging her (detail removed by moderator). He now claims how I made him look bad in her eyes, he had been screaming at me and calling me names. Saying how we can’t move forward unless he is friend with her and he calls her… He said to her in a message which he had shown to me (detail removed by moderator) … When I commented how he betrayed me, after the very same morning he said he would never hurt me etc… he immediately attacked me saying how he knew I wanted to spoil his friendship and how he knew I would react like that. (Detail removed by moderator) and I wanted to jump out of moving the car… he was not stopping I ended up hitting my own head, screaming and pulling my hair… I think I just lost it completely, eventually, he stopped the car and drove off. I run (detail removed by moderator) and just cried and cried and wanted to die. He fetched our sons and told them how I am having a break down over imaginary things. Boys were trying so hard, but they could not see my side really because he fed them how unforgiving is to text on his behalf. Which I guess it was….He carried on playing the victim and telling him how I deserve this and how I had brought it on myself. I tried to calm down and build myself up…we had a calm day (detail removed by moderator) , he said he was sorry… and (detail removed by moderator) I started again, a half an hour of verbal abuse (detail removed by moderator) … I cried and cried and loathed myself for being weak and stupid. (detail removed by moderator)… I decided to tell him to do whatever he wants and make it right with her if that is what he wants , at the same time making a mental note not to trust him and to look after myself. He decied to call her , to try and explain his actions(to her !) and he told me so nearly cryng while he was saying that she ight decide not to be his friend after that… I kept my brave face but nside I am completely broken … I am having a silent nervous break down… (detail removed by moderator)
4th January 2019 at 4:14 pm #69928
Hi long days, in what part of his mind does he think talking to another woman while in a relationship is acceptable. He’s go nuts if it was you, wouldn’t he. Habit b friend of the opposite sex is perfectly normal, what’s normal is him talking to her and messing her whole in your company. Could you ask him to choose, you’re him you won’t be made a fool of a anymore. It’s a very hard thing to do to confront them, they explain so reasonably away anything that is utterly unacceptable
4th January 2019 at 4:22 pm #69929
4th January 2019 at 6:28 pm #69939
My ex was telling me how this woman thought he was charismatic and how she understood him and how they had deep feelings for each other. It was really awful. He used to say random things to me just to judge my reaction and I think he was trying to do this. In his head he thought this was okay. Then in another breath he would say, am I not allowed friends. Then he would say he would go and get help. They are liars, Gaslighting, deceitful, monsters who completely lack empathy. The best thing I ever did was run right to a solicitor. You can bet things will only get worse from now on. Time to get outside help. Get your ducks in a row and get out of there. Their behaviour is so very typical and not even original. I know the pain you’re going through but he has shown you his true colours, believe him.
4th January 2019 at 6:42 pm #69941
He sounds like a narcassist, he has no empathy for anyone that includes this woman too deep down.The only person he is considering is himself. My ex did this met someone,asked if she could come back and could I cook dinner?!He also told me how clever she was compared to me,how much fun she was all of the time. Of course I was stupid and very boring. In the end he attacked her she was terrified of him. She dumped him then he came running to me for sympathy!! These men have no limits they don’t understand the concept of boundaries or morality. I’d get organised and leave safely, you don’t need to accept this. Putting another woman under your nose to destroy you. Don’t let him xx 💕 💕 sister suffragettes 💪 💕 DIY
6th January 2019 at 10:53 am #70100
You were right..he is n********t…massive bust up…He called her or better she called him…had a private conversation which lasted 20 minutes in which he was reassuring her that he is the friend etc…He told our son how she had offered to call me ! The cheek….it got worse verbal abuse, me taking tranquillisers…he was as sweet as as a pie after the phone call …wanted yo hug me, hilda my hand, all the things he had not done for years…When I rejected it saying it is wrong and he should have made it right with me first before he called her if he really meant it he went crazy…Broken again….Next day he cries and says he knows he was wrong ,that he treated me badly ..it goes on like this all day ..I like a fool believed me .We go out he keeps crying asking fir forgiveness…now calls me interfering b***h…says I am harrasing him…to explain we get home ..I still feel low ..but fall for his pretend tears…Later I ask him if he could be honest about the phone call ..he claims he is honest..he is not telling the truth I actually left my phone nearby so it recorded…The sound is bad but I can hear snippets of conversation…I tell him I have recorded it and he says I am trying to trick him into saying things about the conversation…to he honest I dont care ..but if people are going to see me as a controlling b***h then I have nothing to loose…..at the end I took his phone and messaged her telling her he tells me to f o after speaking to her , and that how dare she offer to call me, and hiw which is true, I ended up encouraging him to clear the sir with her after ye sent her messages which stated it was over when I was having a breakdown ..he told me if I dont stop he will let everyone know that he cant have a friend because of his crazy wife…so zi thought save at least something..at least there will be piece and quiet in the house….wrong wrong wrong…and then before I told him he goes further tell me I have mental health issues, I am spending all his money , I am worth nothing ..Really lost it ..I was ready to kill him …ending up hitting him and screaming (ashamed of myself for that) Then I tell him I messaged her and how I feel Good that I had told her my side and gave her a piece of my mind…I actually felt good , felt strong and in court……He says ok if you feel like that ..we can move forward…but no he doesn’t mean it I am a fool for falling for it..He had been shouting and raving at me all morning…trying to break me down.. telling me all the things he can to destroy my good feelings..I won tel him..not this time..I am promising myself that I can cry inside I can scream in my head I can break down when he is not around ..but mot on front of him…He kerps repeating how this makes him and us silly and stupid in her eyes…Am I going crazy? Maybe I do have mental health problems…I don’t know any more
6th January 2019 at 11:05 am #70101
No your no crazy, you really need to get away from him. He’s confusing you deliberately (he’s gas lighting you) you probably also have a trauma bond. Look this up it will all make more sense. It’s about him having power and control over you. He wants you to just roll over and take this. What he’s doing is pushing the boundaries. Can you get some time out away from him. I’d call womens aid to get support. This isn’t just cheating it’s emotional abuse xx diy 💕💕stay strong your not the crazy one xx
6th January 2019 at 11:22 am #70103
Thank you ..its so complicated..I looked this gs up I am aware ..yet I can’t break free..no family or friends left
6th January 2019 at 12:16 pm #70105
Hi longdays, i really dont know where to begin, what I want to do is hug you and rescue you. Literally walk you through this and away from him. You are so right in trying not to break down in front of him, but it’s so hard not to. Any emotion you give him,, pleasures, sadness, anger, they all feed him, just like a vampire feeds on blood, they feed on our emotions.
You can escape him, but it will be when you’re ready and only then. Try and contact WA, see your doctor, let then know how he’s treating you and how its making you feel. Once it’s noted down, it’s information that can be used against him. Not just in a court, many of us don’t choose that road, but it can still be used to get him out of your life. Find out where your local wa office is. Do your b..w ups happen at weekends or in the evenings, when those places are closed,I know mine do. Have you lived in your area fir a while, do you know the local churches/ chapels, I wonder if they would be able to offer help to, sanctuary and all that.
You need a good safe exit plan in place, WA can help put one in place with you.
Try the grey rock method, yes it involves the silent treatment,no you’re not as bad as him. This is your way of protecting yourself, not punishing him. it allows you what arguements you choose to get involved with. Every action causes a reaction, he knows what he does is causing you pain and sadness and anger and he loves it.
Stay strong, you can do this, baby steps sweetheart, baby steps.
10th January 2019 at 10:58 pm #70491
you are my lifeline at the moment… years and years of emotional and verbal abuse have worn me out. I have lost my life completely and utterly… the episode is developing further and further and he is toying with me however he wants… picking me up and dropping me at will… I can’t even try to repeat the words he screamed at me tonight… Not that I haven’t heard those before its just that they cut deeper and deeper… He talked me into going away for a few days … I fell for it …he said he is changing, he loves me he will not let me down..He is not contacting her…I fall for it… I make him hold my hand, I force him into taking photos with me although I know he doesn’t want to… he is kind he smiles he makes love to me… and so I start to think maybe just maybe…but I see him checking his phone, he posts something with us … he keeps checking the phone .. I decide to block her so she can’t see our posts… he later sees that she looked at one (before blocking) and not the other .. he checks ..he searches… he unblocks her and launches into everything he has … he is back
11th January 2019 at 5:00 pm #70506
Just like my ex. He’s enjoying this. Having two women fighting over him. Rubbing your nose in it all. I would get straight to a solicitor with this evidence and find out where you stand legally and financially. It’s only going to get worse x
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