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Hello Llgirl
I think its only natural that you would be feeling down, its very sad that your hopes and dreams of what you thought would be have gone. Reality hits hard doesn’t it, and its time for your grieving. We understand how that feels, and its grief in the same way it would be for anyone losing someone they loved, even if its someone you thought you knew, the feelings are still the same.
Take your time, it does pass, and the tears will stop. Look after yourself well, nurture yourself and give yourself all the time you need.
warmest wishes
ts
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Are you still having contact with him, what has been happening?
There will come a time when this grief phase will end, and will stay ended, no matter what he does, you will be over him. Once you go this this process your feelings will change, you will have emotionally let go, and then he can do whatever, it still won’t stir anything in you.
I hope this brings some hope to you.
warmest wishes
ts
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No, it’s ordered so he can’t speak to me. I think because we have children together I just always worry that there’s going to be a form of contact one way or another or that hopefully there can be a third party and that him not contacting me stays in place. I can’t even imagine the messages I’d get from him now he will have read what I’ve said..
I look forward to that day and wonder if I’ll ever let anyone in ever again,.
Xx
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I feel so much for you Llgirl. I can relate to this feeling of grief over what was, what could have been, what we feel should have been. I often feel like it’s my fault that it didn’t work out like I wanted it to/thought it should, because I was the one to leave. I don’t know if you can relate to that,?
I am sorry that I don’t have any advice as I’m in a similar boat , but all I keep telling myself is that these feelings will run and run but they will tire themselves out eventually. Buried feelings are buried alive and this grief is necessary to fully heal. Tire those feelings out and let them die good and proper.
I take a lot of strength from the women like TS above who can say from experience it does change.
No contact, even for a period of time because that’s all that can be done because of kids, gives us that space to heal, educate ourselves and reprogramme the lies.
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I was with him for a long time and feel like I tried absolutely everything before I walked out of the door, and even when I did walk out I still for a good while wondered if this was all in my head, if I should be on this forum, and then all I do is re read our messages or remind myself of some of the ways he harmed me and I remember it all over again, it feels like a constant realisation, then wondering if he planned it all, was always abusive, did it grow, what changed, trying to work out the psychology of it all, it drives me mad. Then I have lovely dreams about him and then get an email and I’m reminded how awful he’s being to me right now and what’s going on..
I’m sorry you’re going through this as well but it is comforting to know I’m not mad? I think people think when they hear what he’s done and what it’s been like I must absolutely hate him now, but then there’s part of me that feels guilty, the part that I guess has been brainwashed by him, and I have good days and bad days, and on the bad days I feel so isolated from everyone, wondering what I’m doing, and on the good days I feel strong, I’m just hoping eventually it’s all good days, he just keeps throwing things at me, sometimes it’s almost good because i find my anger again, but then other times it’s too much and I just end up in tears.
Sending strength to you xx
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I could have written your words! I do the same, constantly going between thinking of the good times, the bad, the “why did he say/do that”. Trying to psychoanalyse his behaviour, words. It does feel like a constant realisation you’re right…. I guess that is just part of the process? We try to look for meaning and justification to explain what just can’t be explained. For whatever reasons they were abusive, it doesn’t change the impact that has had. Do you have any contact with his family?
I have children too and I worry as well about what you replied above to TS. I hate thinking of what he would say to me now hes read what I’ve said too. It’s the constant fear isn’t it of them making you feel like the guilty one you already feel you are?
I think the good days will gradually get more and the bad days less. I also hope that in years to come, as we heal and get stronger their tactics won’t effect us in the same way, and we may even be able to cope with minimal contact for the children.
Sending you such strength as well ❤️
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I am sorry that you are ordered to have contact with him, that needs to change when its doing such harm to you.
All that you say though, and what you feel, is all normal. The abuse is the abnormal behaviour, but, as you have possibly read elsewhere here, your reaction is totally normal. This is how it leaves you feeling.
The part about all the inner workings of the psychology of it whirling around in your head will calm down. For most of the time your head would have been focussed on daily living, surviving life with him. Now you are apart your head is consciously aware of it all, and trying to make sense of it. Thats normal, and gradually will calm down as you write more and read and understand and process. It will slow, but you need your space, no contact, in which to start recovering. Any health professional aware of the impact of DA on you will be able to confirm this to court on your behalf so you don’t have to deal with him, and he will have to stop messaging you etc. Do you have a non-mol in place, and would suggest you do if not. You need protection from him so you can heal.
warmest wishes
ts
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