Who am I?

[shine bright 2]

Once I had a name
A name that mattered
A name that was loved,a name that was cared for.

Now I have a piece of paper,
It says I have a new name.
My kids too, no longer have their melodic Arabic names.
They are just names from a book, picked in a hurry

He did this
Along time ago he stole from me. Rings and Money, gold and gadgets.
More though. He stole my spirit, my pride, my joy and my youth
And now the final piece…he has stolen me.

Everything is gone. We are alone.
They say it’s ok, they say we are safe, lucky us they say.. we are alive
I listen, as my fingers trace the scars he made…lucky… perhaps

A road map of hurt and betrayal. A tiny country road across my thigh reminds me that I was never good enough
The ugly, gnarley scars..rivers and mountains are the family who said stay with him. They are the ever present fear of dishonour.

No friends, no family. Do we even exist? Moments of happiness hint that we are alive. The laugh of my children,bear hugs that squeeze me till the laughter bring on tears

As they hug me I glance over my shoulder. What was that shadow?
Did he see that I forgot to put the milk the fridge?
Should we hide?
Does he hear the chatter about popstars and parties and memes I don’t understand.

The trembling starts.
He will find out.
He will know.
He will punish.
He wins again

I am lost. Will I ever be found?

[KIP.]

Hey, even if he finds you, which he won’t, you are not the same person you were. I dare my abuser to come near me now. Abusers are bullies. No doubt he’s found his next victim, just as mine did. You’re stronger, wiser, fitter, better, your kids are safer, stronger, more likely to succeed in life. All because of you. Pick another name for you all and change it through deed poll. Pick names that are your choice, that are considered. Let the kids pick their own names, choose nicknames. Forge forward in your new life. You’ve worked hard for it x

[shine bright 2]

We have all changed names. I hate it. I feel lost.

[FreeFromHim]

Do not forget, we were born with names given, you can be reborn with new names x names do not define you .. YOU define you … x best love and warm wishes to you all x

[KIP.]

Change names again. And again and again until you’re content with those names. A name is just a name. I changed my surname as soon as I could. Don’t get hung up on a word. It’s what’s behind your name that counts. The person behind that name. Try to break things down and see if there are little steps you can take to feel like you’re regaining control. It’s a long journey and you only want to look back to see how far you have come. If you’re feeling overwhelmed then can you get some regular counselling in place? It’s helping me tremendously x

[lover of no contact]

Shine bright you have come so far I can vouch for that. I remember when you and your children were living in daily terror. You got them away from that and you are tearing them in an abuse-free home. KIP is so right.. you are stronger, wiser, fitter, better; Tgats who you are! And your kids are safer and more likely to succeed in life and can laugh about memes, hug you and be interested in normal things like pop stars etc.

You have done amazing! You are an amazing survivor that’s what you are.

Losing your names is another huge loss but as KIP says we can reframe our losses. I’m about to have my family home repossessed due to my ex’s behavior so am facing the loss of my family home. What’s helping me is my new mantra “This is a blessing in disguise!!” I keep saying that to myself daily and it’s helping my mindset.

[FreeFromHim]

Wow that was really powerful.. thank you x

You are found.. you are here and you shared… never ever feel alone again. x

Your words totally moved me.. so raw and real, thank you for being so brave to share that… you are not lost, names can change and identity adapts, we are all adaptable to new…and if it is the best for you and your family, then good, let it happen.

I wish you and yours the best of luck and love xx

[White Rose]

Hey there shine bright! Names don’t define you or hold you back, you’re still you but stronger and more resilient than before.
Can you choose a nickname to use with those close to you? Did your given name have a meaning? Can you use another name with same or similar meaning?
If your given name was relatively common could you use it as a middle name?
Keep your positive focus and remember when those shadows scare you just turn on your shine and they’ll go away!
Much love x*x

[shine bright 2]

Thank you all so much. Often I can see all the good,it just sometimes feels like overwhelming loss. Often in life you lose something.. a lived one, a job etc but losing it all at once was hard.
I’m so sorry about your home L.O.N.C that must be so bad and yet you are still strong.life is very unfair. I can tell you gave such a good heart and yet u r suffering. I can never understand that. I always take strength from people here. I am seeking compensation for my injuries and I think that has really affected me..reading victim impact statements and all that. I feel very much that he got out of prisons djuat carried on while my life stopped still.

It’s not the names really it’s what they were connected to…you know. Remembering the kids as babies and choosing their names etc it’s our history. I know it’s not the names that make that history but we don’t even talk about ourselves anymore. We are closed books. Sort of non people.
I am taking strength from comments here. KIP you are like a fortress to me. Always full of determination. I don’t know how anyone on here keeps going. I tell myself to be more like that,but I just feel crushed. I met someone,but I’ve put the brakes on because I’m just too scared and also a bit embarrassed by what happened to me before. Like someone who is not from my backgroung might just think typical oppressed Muslim woman if u know what I mean.
How do you keep going? He’s still looking for us and it makes we want to hide in a corner forever. How do u do it?

[lover of no contact]

Thanks Shinebright💜. I think we have to grieve our losses properly and we can’t move straight from the loss into acceptance. We have to feel sad, feel mad, wish it wasn’t so. The way I do it is reading even one post in here daily(usually more. I always here something I need to hear. I also go to 2 al-anon meetings a week where I hear the slogans like ‘this too will pass’; ‘One day at a Time’ and ‘Let go and let God’. This level of support helps me grieve my losses, cope with the impending ones like loss of my family home; cope with the aftermath of being married to an abuser and having an abuser-mum; such as financial loss and anxiety and cope with the affects on my children as I stayed too long.

So you’re doing the right thing posting to deal and move on from the huge losses you and your beautiful children had to endure.

[lover of no contact]

Also one of my late fathers sayings was “Life is not fair!”

And he sure was right!

[diymum@1]

This is all so true i think we do mourn what could ahve been more than anything else. But it didnt work out like that and thats not down to anything you did or didnt do. he did this and i do believe eventually these men become shunned by those left around them. or people are only putting up with them because theyre scared of them or because they have to be around them. they do loose out more than us inevitably. now you have the chance to rebuild your world around you for the kids. build good memories. you will go through the greiving process but in time you will come out the other side. you dont think so right now but you will. xxxx love diymum

[shine bright 2]

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone. Been struggling with my mental health and getting help with it. Kind word help. My daughter sleeps with her phone face down under a pillow because she is convinced he is watching or hunting for us. It’s difficult to get support for her too. Such a long wait. All gets a bit overwhelming. Thank you all. X

[KIP.]

You’re such a strong woman. Such an inspiration for your daughter. To keep them all safe and to forge ahead is magical to see. Empower her always. And good riddance to bad rubbish for your ex. Claim your criminal injuries for your future. Even if you have to spend it on private counselling to help you all going forwards x money well spent x

[Author]

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