Who am I and what happened to my old self?

[freshflowerlover]

My now ex broke up with me in (detail removed by Moderator) and I have had many ups and downs since then.
First I had to come to the realisation that the “violent incidences” in our relationship including him spitting at me, slapping me, throwing things at me, punching a wall and the verbal threats of violence were not just individual incidences like I kept telling myself but a pattern of abuse. I had been thinking that I was in control of it and that by changing my behaviour e.g. speak more calmly, do not nag or complain, do not be disrespectful in any way, I had the power to stop his behaviour. And it worked every time until it did not and it always left me feeling like a failure. He told me that he also tried to change and his way of doing that was to quote: (detail removed by Moderator)
I still have days where I feel like my behaviour caused him to become violent because surely I am not perfect and maybe I was just an awful partner. But I look back at old messages and all I can see is a woman desperately to find a way to make the arguments stop and have a peaceful healthy relationship. I have spoken to his (detail removed by Moderator) ex girlfriends and that helped but he was not as physically violent with them, more psychologically, maybe even more than with me…So it still kept me thinking I made him violent. He says I am his trigger and other women will not trigger him.
However, one of the reasons I kept being hopeful was the dream of a future, he always said how loyal he was and that he is a relationship type of man. Then I found out he cheated multiple times in the same way as he did with his ex girlfriends. He cheated (detail removed by Moderator) into our (detail removed by Moderator) year relationship and it makes me angry because I asked him multiple times and he said I am just crazy jealous but I had a gut feeling. If he would have been honest maybe I could have saved myself a lot of time with him. But then again I always said I would leave him if he slaps me again and when he did I stayed. I do not know why. I would make excuses like oh he did not mean it like that. I keep thinking about the man I fell in love with him and how I see him now and the two are not the same person. And yet they are. I feel so strange and deeply sad. I have good days and better days but I am going through a rough time just now because I keep thinking how I could not see it. I feel so stupid and naiv. He is a very good looking man and some people have told me I should have known that man like him cannot be good and loyal. He was my first love ever at (detail removed by Moderator) years old so I was already embarassed to have never found love before him and I was proud to be in a (detail removed by Moderator) year relationship. Now I am embarassed I stayed with him for so long and once again have shown the world how bad I am at love.
I was a good girlfriend I know that. He said I was the perfect girlfriend and I did so much for him but not enough of the right thing whatever that means.
I still have access to his instagram profile and I can see he is following new girls some of them as young as 18 (he is (detail removed by Moderator)) and I am jealous that he gets to move on with his life and has not learned anything while I am sitting in my kitchen feeling so lonely, depressed and stupid. I do not know who I am anymore and I have felt like that for a long time. I feel like I slowly lost confidence and self respect in my relationship because my boundaries kept getting pushed further and further. It is one thing to have a stranger spit at you but if it is the man who calls you his great love of his life and who wants to marry you and have kids with you, it is a very different thing. And if that man does not even apologize for the spitting but blames you for yelling and triggering him, it makes you feel like everything is your fault. I still feel like everything was my fault. I still feel like how did I get here and I have no idea how to get myself out of this situation. I feel so lonely and I long for the time before I met him, before COVID and I want to go back in time. I loved being in love and being in a relationship and having a boyfriend and I want to experience that again but I feel like this relationship made me even more fearful of love and I was already fearful of love before.
I think out of everything I have experienced in life this is the hardest thing to overcome and I have been through a lot. I knew this would be hard which is why I kept avoiding breaking up with him but what I did not realise is that the longer I waited the more difficult it would be in the end. When he slapt me the first time and I wanted to break up with him, I felt like dying and I thought I am not going to survive this so I begged him to stay together. I still feel like I am going to die now but because I betrayed myself for so long and I am so sad and angry that he took that from me. He will go on and have many relationships in his life and I will not. I doubt I will ever find love again. I am surrounded by great friends and family but I do miss romantic love in my life. Sorry for this long rant I am just so confused about what is happening to me on an emotional level.

[Lisa]

Hi freshflowerlover,

Thank you for sharing so freely of your emotions here. You’ve nothing to apologise for at all.

It sounds like you’ve made a lot of progress in understanding his behaviour as abuse. You’re still blaming yourself for his behaviour sometimes, try to be kind to yourself about this, recovery is a process and can take time. It’s absolutely not your fault at all, he is entirely responsible for his own abusive behaviour, it was a choice he made to treat you this way. You describe trying to change your own behaviour to avoid his abuse, which is something that I’m sure most if not all of the women on here will identify with, but the truth is that whatever you changed, he would find some reason to abuse. You aren’t bad at love, no one gets into a relationship expecting their partner to be abusive, he’s the one who is wrong here.

Have you had any support since leaving? The Freedom Programme is designed to help women understand and make sense of their experiences of domestic abuse. You can search for a local course on their website, a lot of women find it incredibly empowering to be in a room with others who share their experience, or there’s an online version. If you wanted to discuss your situation in more detail and look at other options for support, you could speak to a support worker on our Live Chat service (available every day) or you could get in touch with a local domestic abuse service.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Starting-again]

I think everything you have described is really normal when you are coming out of an abusive relationship.
The emotions are so strong and the realisations can feel like being knocked over by a wave.
I used to be confident and could stand up for myself, but like you I started smoothing things over to keep the peace, but there would always be an excuse to argue, chest or walk away.
This isn’t on you.
I’m struggling myself with the shame, rejection and guilt. None of these are ours to carry, they have put them on us, and one day we will be free of that.
Be kind to yourself. There’s so much support here x*x

[Alicenotichains]

Dear FreshFlowerLover,

Thank you for your post, I am sorry to hear that you were treated so appallingly. The psychological aftermath of an abusive relationship is very hard.You don’t really get a chance to fully process things whilst you are in the relationship. It’s only after it ends that you realise the damage that has been done to your body, mind and soul . It sounds like you tried hard to avoid this escalating abuse, by adapting your behaviour to please him. It sounds like over the course of different relationships he has become progressively more violent. I am so glad that you are safe and that this is over in part. But you feel like you have been broken into pieces.
Can I please send you some hope based on my own experience of what can come next. My husband left me after many years of constant abuse; he had started a relationship with somebody else behind my back. I got traded in for a younger model so to speak. I felt humiliated and worthless. Shortly after I met another man who treated me really badly, I was lucky to escape these situations with my life. The second relationship I ended because I was so scared of him. After many years of abuse I felt totally broken and I had no hope….

Fast forward a few years and with the help of this forum, I didn’t just get my old self back, I have bounced back so much stronger than I ever have been. I live a peaceful life, which is free from abuse. I am free to be whoever I want to be. I got an education, a job, a home, friends, self respect, self confidence, my finally children got to experience living in a calm and happy home. I love my life now and I have grown to really value myself. I have had so many lovely experiences in the last few years, a lot of which can be traced back to the support that I received from the wonderful people on this forum. I eventually met a man who was kind and gentle and I am several years into a healthy relationship. It’s very interesting to notice how different a healthy relationship is to an abusive one.

As an abuse survivor, I see life in different colours- and I value my freedom so much more for this reason.
You have the rest of your life in front of you, take time to heal and practice self love and when the time feels right, go and grab life by the horns. None of this was ever your fault. You should feel no shame or guilt. You tried your best and what happened to you (and to all of us) was despicable. You deserve to be happy and you will be, just keep taking small steps and you will get there, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now x sending you a big hug x

[StrongLife]

I often have the same thoughts.

I now sit in quiet calm house. Not being harassed etc. I cannot remember what I was like before meeting ex. I cannot remember what I was thinking staying with him and I now am back to better finance – cannot understand what that is all about but it comes from tossing him out my life.

It’s just so peaceful😀🧚🏻‍♀️

Hope this helps.

[Author]

Posts