Who am I?

[purplejellybaby]

I’m not sure where to really start?!

My marriage of almost (detail removed by moderator) years has been as though I’m on a rollercoaster constantly. I’m exhausted, scared but I still love him!

He has been unfaithful to me (more than once) and I have never really understood what, why or where things were(are) going wrong. Yes this has resulted in me having ‘paranoid’ thoughts and Yes I have displayed Jealousy. I try (and have tried) to always think rationally and carefully back up to consider why I have feelings of betrayal with any ‘evidence’, mainly to keep my own sanity in knowing that what i’m seeing/hearing/feeling isn’t just because of the lack of trust, but because I really do have reason to this so called paranoia.

He constantly blames me for his actions and accuses me of being controlling- Which I do feel like I seem to be sometimes, I have had to ‘control’ our family income, only because if I didn’t he wouldn’t pay the bills, feed the children, but use the funds for goodness knows what asides drinking! I have to be the ‘parent’ to our kids, because he chooses not to and his work takes him away so often that I have to be mum and dad to them, so they tend to take more notice of me, as I have been there constant in life.

(detail removed by moderator) we moved in to what I had hoped would be a fresh start for us. Bigger House, more space, happier family- Well not necessarily!!!!
I became ill (still recovering now), and he needed to get the utilities in his name and as we had been having marriage councelling- I had kept tried to keep telling him how it was time for him to take on some real responsibilites, as it was too much for me to cope with anymore.
I had become the financial controller of the house, as many years back he used to use all of our money to feed his social drinking and gambling (which I must say isn’t so much of an issue as back then).

It wasn’t until many months after I had discovered that once again he wasn’t paying (detail removed by moderator). I had dropped subtle gentle reminders that the bills still needed sorting. He continually just wouldn’t make the calls to sort and so I had no other choice but to use what little savings my child has to rid us the burden of the bill before we had further knocks on the door from unwanted debt collectors.

he gets so angry, and I’m terrified of approaching him about any concerns, if he’s not happy we all walk around on egg shells. The children are all teenagers now, so they are a challenge too, not so much for me though as I have always been the constent in their life. We have both worked really hard on been united and consistent, since going on a support course after his anger management issues with them.

Buts it’s the Trust and the ‘bury heads’ in the sand that is a really big issue for me, not only with the fact of the affairs, but just the ridiculous little lies about general stuff too.
As mentioned before we were undergoing marriage councelling, this was due to his most recent unfaithfulness- it was ‘plutonic as they put it’ – I decided that I would only give him the ‘Last chance’ if he would do this as there was clearly something we (I) were missing to why he keeps on cheating on me. (that too sounds controlling I know).

I know I am not perfect and I can be extremely stubborn as I will stand up for what I believe in.
In the councelling I have been very open and honest to what I find difficult in our relationship besides the constant lying and anger he displays (his unpredictable job, his cheating, his lack of responsibilities and his decision making behind our backs, without consideration to the rest of us) we had started working ways of compromise and some things were making small progress. He has now decided the councelling is not for him as he wasn’t getting anything out of it.
I feel like we have taken 3 steps forward and 10 back!

Why do I get made to feel guilty about trying to sort stuff out? He even manages to get my parents to feel sorry for him and make me to be the bad person… I feel like I have no support from anyone.

And now I really just don’t know what to do……I can’t go on like this. Why does loving someone hurt this much?….I was advised by a councellor to speak to our local Domestic Violence team too, because of the emotional effects this is all having on me.. am I just expecting too much – am I really being controllinng?

Be honest please x

[Starmoon]

No, you’re not being controlling at all.. you took change of the money because he wasn’t responsible enough. That’s sensible, not controlling. I was in a similar situation, my ex was so irresponsible with money, he spent it on drink, drugs, cigarettes… all sorts. I was constantly bailing him out. And I was the only one scraping together the money to keep us above water and to support the children. He’d pretend for a time to be understanding but then he’d accuse me of being controlling too. So I’d bend over backwards to make sure he had everything he wanted and more, prioritized over my own needs and sometimes the children’s. If I ever dared say no- he’d call me selfish. It’s projection. You’re definitely rite to be here and I hope others can give you some more readurence of that xx

[Amaguq]

Hi purple jelly baby
Read back and see how many times you have used the word control, I call is them gaslighting us (my definition, once you are told the same thing enough times you become to believe it, it builds a huge fire)
You are taking financial responsibility, not control.

You sound like an amazing Mum and trying so hard to save your relationship. I did for (detail removed by moderator) decades.
This might get deleted by the wonderful WA but he didn’t trip and fall into someone’s vagina, he chose to.
I have the mental T-shirt on this on but less polite lol

Most importantly, look after yourself, take things step by step, hot bath, candles, your favourite beverage, you WILL get through this 🙂 xx

[Starmoon]

And he’s decided the counseling is not for him… gah. That’s so typical, again my ex did the same. Him cheating is not your fault it’s entirely his! When I first came here, others advised me against couples counseling because couples counseling basically makes you both look at the issues as if you’re both contributing to them. Which I guess is fine.. but you both have to be willing to work on them and abusers never really are- no matter how much they may pretend to be at the time.

He’s the one that’s made conscious choices to cheat on you and to be irresistible with money…yet you’re the only one putting the work into putting that rite

[Anonymous]

Let’s get one thing straight.
Cheating isn’t abuse.

Other than this you have valid points

I had to endure every kind of abuse from my husband and then I cheated on him!

Not b****y surprising really!!

If they spend family money on Alcohol (which mine did) then taking control of finances is a good idea.

I’m done though.

Just working out exactly how to do this coz he won’t go.
I’ve read that I can get him removed though so working on that.

Good Luck

Lived in fear of mine for too long and he’s too weird for words

[Ayanna]

First of all, you are not controlling!!!
Imagine, what would have happened if you had not taken the lead with the finances??? You had to safeguard your children, you had to keep a roof over your family’s heads!

I think that he is abusing you emotionally to the least.

You have a great sense of responsibility and you have provided for your family. Without you the children and all of you would probably be homeless and without any education.

You are the one who keeps this family together.
You protected him all this time!

You say he has anger issues.
How do his anger issues manifest?

Does he destroy things?
If so, which things? His things? Or does he never destroy his own things?

Extramarital affairs can be a form of abuse, emotional and sexual. He makes you feel unwanted and inferior by choosing to have sex with another woman. It may be a way of hurting you. And that hurt goes deep.

He is a very inconsistent and unreliable character. Therefore counseling with him is a waste of time.
He probably does not even want to change anything.

As said already, you are a wonderful mother.

Time to put yourself first and declutter the man who only gives you grief.

Keep posting.

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