Who do you talk too?

[nbumblebee]

Yep me again I have an unusual question and actually i just want to chat.
Started (detail removed by Moderator) is going great I love it as much as im way out of my comfort zone its good.
First day he was ok about it not supportive moaned about pets dinner house but was ok. Today we havent spoken he is fowl wont even talk to me he is angry really angry he says hes had a bad day but i know its me being out. Im waiting for the bang trying to stay away.
I have been talking to someone about another new job opportunity someone has offered me and its exciting news just talking but could be amazing (detail removed by Moderator).
I want to share to smile to enjoy to be proud and happy but I cant he wont allow it he wont agree he will just moan and make things hard there will be no well done no support no joy. So i stay silent i dont tell him.
Makes me so sad it really does i dont get why he can be jelous and mean after all he says he loves me how can he if he cant support me?
I want to share my joy but i actually dont have anybody.
My girlfriends are his friends wives, i have no other friends he has made sure of that. Its so lonley when you wanna share but you have nobody to turn too.
Is it just me? Who do you share good news with its so rare i know in this life and part of me is thinking whats the point in putting myself out there trying hard to learn and grow when theres nobody to encourage and support me? And for me that mentality isnt good and its what im trying so hard to keep away from but god its so hard here with him to feel anything other than useless. X

[Twisted Sister]

You have nothing to feel useless about, I am continually awed by your strength and determination to suceed, just look what you have achieved, despite all the adversity and the odds stacked against you, and here you are looking at a major new job opportunity also!

Smile, smile and keep smiling, smile to yourself, he will never smile for you, and no, he clearly isn’t about sharing your joy, because his attitude is selfish, his attitude is about him, not you, and no, he won’t be happy for you. However, I’m sure you will be understood amongst his friends’ wives, because its clear how well you have done and are doing, you should get some good feedback and encouragement from them, and if you don’t well then they are not your friends or worth sharing your positive news with. Those who love you will be thrilled to hear your news. I don’t know you, but I do hear your struggles, and I am absolutely thrilled that you managed all you have.

The ones who do matter in your life are the ones to look to, those who don’t love or care for you, are never going to be happy for you, maybe your work opportunity will bring you new friends. Friends who share similar outlooks and interests. Its sad that the one you are living with does not want this for you, because their needs are more important. They are not!

go you!

warmest wishes

tss

[nbumblebee]

I think ive just been lucky since covid and volunteering things have just happened in my work life and i just go along with them its more luck than strength whilst I am grateful very grateful i also doubt everything i hear or do. Its just lonley isnt it? Not having anyone to share with to talk ideas over with to share little wins with its just sad and lonley. He is still not talking to me sulking like a child and im left waiting with that fear inside of whats next. Xx

[Twisted Sister]

I’m not so sure, and I think you underestimate yourself, a lot. This is probably due to him also, but no matter what he’s done you have still gone out there, taken up volunteering, and clearly getting recognition for what you have done. Thats not luck, thats because your skills have been recognised, and you have taken up the opportunities presented to you, that does take strength when you have all the issues at home that you go back to afterwards and live with every single day of your life. You have children to try to get through this ordeal with him, that also takes so much strength to keep doing.

What you speak of is how it is..life with an abuser I mean. There isn’t anything good in there, not really, just selfish him thinking only about himself, never happy for you and your achievements, but resentful, because he also sees you as stronger and doing better than him, and thats not ok by him.

What you yearn for is normal, and is normal in regular relationships, that couples who love and care for each other are happy for each others’ successes. It doesn’t matter how much you also deserve this, you’re not going to get it from him, and yes, thats saddening and a very upsetting truth of just part of your circumstances with him. I’m glad you have here at least, but I hope also that you can find a way to have that for yourself irl. You are getting all the groundwork in place, from what I can see. You are continuing with your life, despite him, not because of him.

warmest wishes
ts

[nbumblebee]

Wow this hit me hard you know i spend so much time telling myself it isnt abuse absolutly determined it isnt but when you put it this way its hard to not believe. I crave normal i really really do but Im never gonna have it am I.
Thank you. I have alot to think about xxxxx

[Eyesopening]

I know that feeling. Inside you feel some joy but the outside (my dad or ex) is trying to squish that feeling out of you..
I remember once, I was ill, I asked my ex to get me a covid test to check it wasn’t that. He made me come in the car and to the pharmacy with him, then he could drop me off outside rather then going back to the apartment I guess… Anyway he made me do that when I felt ill and when I was leaving the car, he told me ‘I love you so much’…BS…
Also once I got a really great job I had really wanted, I told him over the phone and he just dismissed it, he was in a bad mood.. and made me feel c**p and lost my celebration mood..

Share the good stuff with yourself. Be proud of yourself. Share it with us, share it with your pets and children! I even kinda talk to myself a bit, or journal it.
Our deep down feeling towards ourselves is really important. I recently got into a hobbie that i am good at. It makes me feel so great and I do this alone, i celebrate by myself, it doesnt matter, alone is where we find out truth.
x*x

[nbumblebee]

I had covid xmas day and he still didnt help whilst i cooked a 3 course dinner in gloves and mask for him and kids so yeah im not alllwed to be poorly either.
Thank you for your support it amazes me how you are always tbere with advice whilst going through so much yourself I am so very grateful sweetie xxxxx

[Gerbil]

You should be so proud of everything you have achieved and are trying to achieve. Keep sharing on here as we all support you and want to congratulate you for your achievements.
I totally agree with everyone else, your husband will never do this as it is not about him ( I know this from being married to someone very similar).
Take care x

[nbumblebee]

Thank you so much this means alot xx

[Bananaboat]

Well done and how exciting! It’s so horrible I remember it well, the one person you want to share your good news and your bad news with, you can’t because you know it’ll be belittled and devalued, you end up feeling like it’s better to cope alone than have that on top. Do you have trusted friends at work or the gym you could just say something exciting has happened to? How about the kids? If not then the ladies here are always here for you! x

[nbumblebee]

I dont wanna involve the kids i dont wanna say dont tell dad even though they are adults its still not fair. Im not good at sharing or talking at the gym i do a little and they are nice but i feel daft and like they are just being nice because they have to and that if i talk too much i will bore them so i dont say much. Its weird cause i wanna share but i dont think anyone will give a s**t so why bother? Silly isnt it?!

[Bananaboat]

It’s not silly at all, can totally relate. It’s also a lot of our partner’s conditioning that has lead to this. That toxic message of no one cares they drip feed us. But people do care, don’t let any of this stop you, you’re doing great xx

[Twisted Sister]

I think you’re right about not telling the kids, but only if you don’t want him to know, then you’re not asking anything of them, to keep secrets. You also shouldn’t hide things from them, as they have a right to see things as they really are, and not collude with some fantasy that their father is living.

They need things to celebrate, and they need a mum to celebrate, goodness they certainly don’t have the dad to do they!

It depends on who your friends are. It would be very off and weird of someone to not show pleasure at other’s achievements.

Again, this is the way you have learnt to live your life, continually not good enough, and thats no life. Thats not living. Its just about surviving. 🙁

YOu deserve so much more.

[nbumblebee]

Thank you.
I often think how this is no life I just dont know the way out or even if i want one actually deserve one. I feel like i did this to us this is all my fault. Neither of us are happy in this marriage i can see that 3 days on and we are still hardly talking. Its no way to live. Xxxxx

[Twisted Sister]

At the end of day, its only you that can decide that you are good enough, that you do deserve better, and actually you are like all of us, spending so much of our time blaming ourselves, but you and I both know you wouldn’t think of other women here as you do yourself, and the one thing that I hang onto is that what explanation do you have for the way he abused the children?

You are all treated the same, and the way you speak is evidence of how you’ve been treated.

It doesnt matter whether he’s happy, this is finally about you, about whether you’re happy, whether your children are happy. When you are abused you are not the one responsible, he is taking responsibility (taking control and dominating). and no, its no way to live. Prioritise yourself, think of you and how much is out there for you with your new qualifications and opportunities, given to you, based on you and your efforts, ability and motivations.

warmest wishes
ts

[Hereforhelp]

Nbumblebee you are quite amazing how you keep fighting forward, the obstacles you have navigated and still do navigate. You are seeing more and more (brick by brick remember ❤️)

Big hugs 🤗

[nbumblebee]

Thank you yes id forgotten about my bricks. I just wanna get a bulldozer and smash that f****r down 🤣 but no brick by brick. Thank you. Hope you are ok xx

[Everhopeful321]

nbumblebee, I just want to say well done too. I don’t post very much but I read lots and there are often things that you say that I relate to but more importantly give me hope that one day I will start doing the little things that might get me feeling better about yourself. So I hope you can feel a little bit of happiness that there are people who are happy to hear good things happening to you

[Sunshinedrops]

Just want to send you big congratulations virtual hug! Well done to you! We will certainly support your wins!!!!

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