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Ok so I’m pretty sure I’m going to try. I’ve opened up to a few people this week including my family who although they don’t quite get it are very supportive of the marriage being over and once I’ve told them are quite confused as to why I would go back.
He’s been in a nice mode for the last couple of days which is pretty hard to take but I know the down mode will be coming.
I spoke to a survivor today (someone I didn’t know had been through this) and she was pretty straightwith me. She recommended I get the kids looked after by my parents one night and my dad waiting by the phone if I need him while I tell husband I want a divorce. I’ve made initial contact with solicitor but she suggested I have another visit first and get papers started and ask their opinion of giving him a week to get out of the house, during which time I and the kids stay at my parents house?
How does this sound in principle??? I have no idea if I will be able to go through with it and how he will react but is it a good plan to start with???
What did everyone else do and especially with ver young children involved??? X*x -
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I would absolutely agree with KIP. Getting out is more important than starting divorce proceedings. Obviously you need to do both, but the divorce stuff needs to start once you are safe and away from him. Call the helpline and get some advice, or see if women’s aid has a local branch that you can call in at.
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It would be good to see the solicitor first for advice. I don’t believe your husband will leave. Why should he? You feel the need to tell him face to face because that’s what mature adults would do. However he is a n**********c abuser and has no moral compass or maturity. He will make your life hell. You owe him nothing. You’re having to do things this way for your own safety. Even if he agrees to move out, he has every right to come back and he will. Be very careful.
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I’ve seen the solicitor this week and had another chat tonight. I know my rights. I’ve packed sentimental things and taken them to my parents house I now just need to do the final step.
I’ve spent all this evening trying to say it out loud but I just can’t, I’m not going to be able to say it to him. I know it would be easier to take kids when he’s not here, but it feels so cowardly and I feel I should give him the chance to leave. I just can’t say it to him. Please help??? How do I say it???? Do I wait for the next time he sits me down for one of my lectures?? Last night he asked me twice if I wanted it to be over…..I need to say yes next time?? -
I left on (Detail removed by moderator) with a baby who is (Detail removed by moderator) and a (Detail removed by moderator) year old. We have been together (Detail removed by moderator) years and married for (Detail removed by moderator). I just posted my story earlier. I’m staying at my parents. I’m a mess really and he’s begging and pleading and sobbing and is seemingly a broken man ready to seek any treatment going. Women’s Aid tell me this is all to be expected and it’s not genuine and that they don’t often change, it’s unlikely they say and I’m doing the right thing for me and our children. I’m trying to stay strong. I threw stuff in a couple of bags after another episode of abuse on (Detail removed by moderator) and I told him I was leaving the next morning. I left with our children with him crying in the kitchen and he’s been a mess ever since. But so have I. I don’t want to live in that environment any more. I hope I can remain strong. I have to tell him again to give notice on our house, I’m not coming back and that I have somewhere else for me and our children to live. Women’s Aid say to limit contact as much as possible. It’s hard. Overwhelmingly so. But it must be done and I must realise I deserve so much better. You go too. I hope you can find your own safe way of leaving and then continue to figure it out from there. It’s what I’m currently doing.
Huge hugs x*x -
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I did tell my abuser face to face. Mainly because I did not realise the danger and the extent of abuse that he had subjected me too. I had blanked out a lot of the worst stuff. Even I wouldn’t have done it alone in a house with him. I got myself and my important stuff out, and told all my friends and family that I was leaving him before I met him in a public place to tell him it was over. If I hadn’t, I would probably have agreed to give him “one last chance”. This was, for me, the biggest danger. He could have beaten me up too, but I didn’t even see this danger. But my abuser was so good at manipulating me that I am still surprised that I managed to leave after meeting him face to face.
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Itwillbeok I’m so proud of you and happy you are out. You have done the right thing and you need to do everything now you can to be strong and not go back. You need to think of the very worst time he put you through and keep it right in your mind when you feel like going back. I have a horrible note my husband wrote me years ago which I’m reading a lot to try and help.
How did you choose the right time to do it and what did you say? I think I’m making excuses to do with timings constantly thinking I can’t do it then because of x, y and z.
Thanks Tiffany, I have told people I’m trying to do it. I really do believe he’s too clever to be violent but I think the emotional manipulation will be used but I think I’ve seen through him now and once my mind is set I’m pretty stubborn. I’ve got my legal rights in place, I’ve moved my special things, I’m ready as I can be just need a final plan and to know when to do it -
Do not underestimate him. The reason he hasn’t been violent is because you have always given in. Always given him what he wants to keep the peace. This time there’s nothing you can say to calm him unless it’s that you’re going to stay. When he realised he cannot manipulate you into changing your mind. He will lose control. The red mist will appear in front of his eyes and he won’t care who sees the violence. Do not be alone with him. You can leave then send him a text message then block him. My ex tried to reel me back in with things like ‘grown adults should be able to sit down and discuss things’ and ‘it will be better for our child if we sit down like adults’. Just a ploy to get me near enough to wreak his havoc. Don’t fall for any of his nonsense. If he was a reasonable person you wouldn’t be where you are. Give him a week to leave the marital home or you will proceed to court to have him removed. Or get an exclusion order in place so he has a week to leave or you will have the police remove him. Any weakness from you and he will exploit it.
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Hi enofadov
If you’re going to leave rather than get him out then dont discuss with him just make a safe plan and go. It’s the safest way.
Mine told me to get out (I’d love to have stayed in my lovely home but I valued my sanity and my childs life more than my home!) He never expected me to go though with leaving and I didn’t actually ever tell him exactly I was leaving and he knew nothing if the fact I’d rented a house or got a new bank account till I was ready to go. His abuse escalated – all of it – to both me and our daughter and my family too – he was rattled and had lost control of me.
Don’t just take sentimental things take a “safety net” too – copy all financial info, get your marriage certificate, childrens birth certificates etc as you’ll need marriage certificate to file for divorce (why pay extra for another copy??) Keep details of joint accounts/savings/mortgage etc etc plus anything of his too – you can’t use it but it can be a bargaining tool. If he’s the one going keep the documents safe – maybe at your parents house? – so he doesnt take them. My papers stayed in my car boot in the spare wheel well and I kept the car key in my bra (by that time my body was off limits! ) or tucked in my pillow case or under the mattress at night.
Mine never hit me or raised a hand to me until he was so stressed about the fact that he had lost the ability to control me then I saw his anger rise to a different level. That’s when I knew I had to move fast and get out.
Keep safe. Use solicitor for advice and follow what women’s aid team on help line advise you to do as regards a safe plan.
It’s a horrible time to live through and it’s not a time to feel sorry for him. It’s worth it for a better safer happier life x -
Thank you KIP and White Rose. He’s told me it’s over a few times now so I don’t think he will be shocked.
I’ve left him tonight round at his brothers house and I’ve come home with the kids. I’m going to try and do it when he gets in depending on how drunk he is and how late it is. I can’t go through many more wasted days like this. -
It’s so hard knowing what’s best, isn’t it? I lost track of the number of times I told my abuser it was over. Each time he would beg with me and promise to change. Things would be wonderful after that for a couple of weeks before the evil would creep back in. He couldn’t help himself. The only thing that got through to him was me actually walking away and cutting all contact. I understand this might be tricky for you though if you have children together but maybe you could cut contact for at least a couple of weeks and tell him in no uncertain terms that it’s over; via a solicitor if needs be. Unfortunately this might be the only thing that gets through to him.
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Not a good idea to tell him face to face. He’s told you it’s over in the past to test you. Just to see how you will react. Think about what it’s going to be like even if he agrees. He’s going to make your life hell. Use the kids in front of you to hurt you. Get out first. If you have to tell him then do it in a public place.
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Hey, I think he knows what is coming and he is prepared for it. Not in a good way. It’s not wasting your life it’s preparing yourself to deal with the aftermath. If you’re thinking he will sit down, listen and be reasonable, this isn’t going to happen. Are you in touch with women’s aid? They helped me with my exit plan although I thought I knew better and put myself in danger. I thought he would be reasonable because he always had before. But only when I backed down and gave him what he wants. Even if you move out with the kids and give him a week to leave. I just don’t think he will. Your options are to have him removed with an occupation order or can you rent or move in with family until the finances/house are sorted? The anxiety of waiting to tell him is terrible. Maybe a letter? It’s not cowardly, it’s the only way you will get your point across and not be interrupted or undermined. I sent my ex a lawyers letter when we were still living together and he talked me out of legal action. Saying we could sort this out as adults etc. He had zero intention and made my life hell.
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I remember. Living with a bully. We are scared to stand upto them. Scared of the retribution. That’s no relationship and no way to live. You will find the strength eventually x I go to family events now on my own and it’s fantastic, I don’t worry about saying anything wrong or supposedly ignoring him or his moods and his trying to ruin things or wanting to leave early when I’m having a nice time. I come home after these events now refreshed to my own safe home. I can’t tell you the difference it’s made to my mental health and my confidence.
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Enofadov, I know this is your post but we are pretty much at the same stage it would appear and I can’t tell you the strength I am taking from reading this post. I hope you do too and can manage to make the first move and leave. I have left as you know,(Detail removed by moderator), I have a new place to live with our 2 children but my husband is in Mr Nice more begging and pleading me to return. I have called him this morning to tell him for the final time I am not coming back to the house and we need to give notice this week. He’s already caused us to be liable for another months rent by not giving the notice when I left as I asked him to. I have to arrange with him how on earth I access our house to pack up all of mine and the children’s things. The main things in the house are mine, my family provided them in some way over the years. I am shaking with anxiety but there’s no going back for me. I have to be strong. I can really empathise with you as I feel very scared and nervous too but I can’t live like it anymore. I hope you can make the initial break to leave. I’m trying to access counselling and the Freedom Programme urgently so I remain strong. Citizens Advice tomorrow regarding safe contact for the children. My fear now is once he realises I really have gone he will use them to get at me. Then I think maybe I’m being dramatic. A lot of cognitive dissonance going on and I feel like I’m going crazy. It’s extremely difficult. He hasn’t returned my call yet and I feel he’s holding back as he knows what I’m going to say as opposed to I’m coming back this week before notice is required to “sit down properly and see what we can do about our relationship” etc etc.
It’s really really tough but please try to leave. I’m finding it very hard but I know it’s the right thing to do.
Much love xxxx
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Itwillbeokay, cut him out of the decisions. You need to take control and just text him what is happening. You don’t owe him anything and he will make it as difficult as possible. Give notice yourself and let him know it’s done. This is the difficult dangerous bit. I tried to be reasonable but it never works. They don’t know the meaning so stay safe. Take the advice of women’s aid and never meet him alone. I know this sounds drastic but you are spot on about cognitive dissonance. That’s how we women get hurt or killed. We minimise their behaviour x
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Enofadov I think you and I are at almost identical points I can relate so much to what you are saying. I have spoken to my mum and have arranged that the children and I can turn up anytime day or night and move in straight away but I keep putting off the actual telling him. I too am waiting for an argument to tell him – I’m aware that this is stupid but like you I feel that I can’t just leave without a reason as such?
I hope you make the break
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Thank you KIP
Awww Itwillbeokay you know you have inspired me so much. I hope you can find the strength to keep going. Confusedandalone I was exactly the same…waiting for an argument, waiting for the perfect time. I don’t know if there is an option to pm on here but it would be nice to talk more with anyone.I did it today….told my brother and he pretty much took it out of my hands, kept the kids and sent me home to tell him. Tried to get me to take Dad but I did it without and husband was fine. Refused to leave the house and then got panicked about me taking the children but I kept to my script spoke calmly about me being the main carter and it being best interest to them and took my bags I packed and left. He tried to get me to stay in the house and just carry on but separated and also spoke about dividing financial stuff without a solicitor but I kept firm. I’ve spent the rest of the day at my parents house and we are staying here tonight and will take kids to school and me to work from here tomorrow. I feel broken if I’m honest. None of the relief and exhilaration I expected just a complete an utter despair. The way he reacted is making me question anything was that bad. He wasn’t angry but didn’t try and get me to stay either, just civil which is good but then I’m left with no clarification of my feelings and motivation.
Anyway I’m hoping I haven’t just made the biggest mistake of my life -
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You have take the most important step. You are keeping yourself and your children safe. He knows the pull your home has. That’s why he didn’t move out. A home makes us feel secure. I remember how desperate I was to keep my home. A true house of horrors. Please know that if you go back it may well be fine for days or even weeks but you will be punished by him and your mental health will deteriorate. Abuse always gets worse. Meaning you cannot be the best mum to,your children. Then there’s exposing his behaviour to your children. They will think that abuse is normal behaviour. Please ring Women’s Aid and get support.
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Hi endofadov, what your feeling is completely normal. You have been in a traumatic relationship so your emotions will be all messed up. It is an abusers tactic to get you confused and make you doubt yourself. Leaving is a very difficult part but staying away after is equally difficult for some time. Try to remember the reasons why you left in the first place. Read these posts again, you say in your own words that you were afraid of talking to him. If you go back you will feel exactly the same. And as for your family not understanding, that seems to be a common theme in many of the the posts I read on this site. Maybe try not to expect too much if them. They don’t know what to do or what to say and they’re probably giving you advice that you feel you don’t want to hear. Abuse isn’t black and white, each individual experience is different and only people who have had training will be able to fully understand that. Focus on your kids and remember your doing this for them too. Stay strong it will take time. Best wishes x
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The thing about abusers is their ability to change tactics in a split second. No he’s not doing what anyone would do. Any decent man would want his wife and children to be safe in their own home and would move out and be reasonable. At the moment he’s wearing a mask. Just watch when he realises you’re not coming back. If you think he was nasty and unreasonable when you were with him, he’s still the same man and he has shown you what he’s capable of. Believe him. You will never get closure from an abuser. I once read that you have to walk away just like he had died. That’s how you need to treat this. You won’t ever get closure because in his eyes he has done nothing wrong.
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Hi Endofadov,
I felt the same as you, that he was too clever to risk violence etc, wondering when he would stop with the Mr Nice Guy and start with the Mr Nasty routine.
Well he’s keeping up with Mr Nice to my face just it always has a sting in the tail to upset me or make me panic. Behind the scenes he is causing mayhem and spreading all kinds of lies to his family and our sons. No doubt he will contest my reasons for divorce and accuse me of all kinds of BS. That’s how they work, they are the cowardly ones. We feel obligated to do things the honourable way, be polite, not be nasty about it etc. They don’t! You will get your closure, your justification for leaving, but it will be underhanded and hurtful and not come until he is certain he can’t change your mind and make you go back.
Don’t worry about him, he’s not worried about you. Just focus on yourself and your children and keeping yourselves safe and strong.
Good luck, you are doing so brilliantly well. So proud of you. Keep your chin up and focus on yourself, your children and getting through the divorce. Take all the support that’s offered and you will be fine.
Best wishes and well done ❤️ -
I agree with kip. I tried to leave my ex loads and he became more abusive then ever but the last time I left he accepted and was kind. He agreed to stay in the spare room and share looking after the kids. I was shocked and questioned myself but I stuck to my guns. A week later he tried to hug me but I pushed him away. When I came home from work the next day he’d packed the kids bags and had the kids ready to go out. I asked him where he was going but he just attacked me in front of the kids whist screaming I deserve it. He dragged the kids into the car and disappeared. I didn’t see them for a week. He’d planned the whole thing. He’d booked them off school and he’d rang the police telling them to expect my call and that I’d be telling a load of lies. The police officer that came said they’d spoke to his family and they think the children will be safe with them for now! The whole thing was awful and well thought out on his part. Don’t trust your ex he will change the way he acts eventually
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Thank you ladies so much.
Still being pretty reasonable although he did turn up at my parents house (detail removed by moderator) banging on the door and wanting to sort out access.
He’s agreed by text to leave the house (detail removed by moderator) and keeps saying we are welcome to go back but I just think it will be too confusing?
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