Who is changing?

[nbumblebee]

Me again, ive been thinking of posting for days now and thought id better not but questions keep swimming around in my head and i need them out so here goes ladies….
Im in a very long calm spell its not been perfect we have had nasty comments and bad days but no big blow ups from what I can remember.
Again I find myself full of self doubt wondering why on earth I am on a site for abused women.
I even went out and although a few weeks ago he said i wasnt allowed to go when it cane to it I went and he didnt moan at all in fact was actually nice. I was shaken.
He still tells me everyday to quit my job how he hates me working but he hasnt made me not go for ages and although he tuts he moans a little less.
He has also stopped forcing me bribing me into sex which is huge. So what is going on?
Is he actually changing?
I am putting in boundries saying no more standing my ground more so is it me changing?
He is more loving than ever whilst I now find its me pushing him away I cant bare to have him near me i dont want to spend time with him alone anymore whilst he is arranging date nights well suggesting them for me to arrange its me thats turned hard and unloving and i hate that it isnt me and he knows it but I cant help myself im not nasty dont get me wrong but I just cant sit and cuddle him or kiss him or even hold his hand I just cant do it, how bad is that?!
I know theres a cycle but this seems to be a very long calm spell the longest we have ever had so im thinking maybe by putting in boundries by not letting him control me completly that he is now seeing how bad he was and now maybe he is trying to change? But then as I write this I remember how last week he said he was leaving me cause we didnt have sex, and that i looked lld and haggered when we went out as i wouldnt wear what he wanted me too, maybe he is still there a little bit???
Im still a mess still self harming but its getting better i think, im really trying to look after myself but uts not coming easy and i struggle with that, I just want to keep myself busy so busy i dont think.
I dont know how to handle this calm spell, should I try and re kindle my love for him? Should I try and be more loving more forgiving? Should I enjoy this time with this man that I once loved and try and love him again? Or do I stay on guard stay waiting worrying that he will revert back?
I will always walk on eggshells always because he can turn so big so quickly and I know that so that will never ever leave me but should I maybe try and chill my boots a little during this calm spell or stay on guard?
Seriously can he be changing?
I think i know the answer but I need to hear it.
Thank you yet again xxxxxx

[Twisted Sister]

Hi nbumblebee

I’m sorry that you are struggling with his head-messing, always one way, and now another its no wonder its feeling unnerving.

A man who is not an abuser would not be bribing/forcing someone into sex
A man who is not an abuser would not have a partner that says ‘he let me’
Its not ‘bad’ that you don’t want to be close to this abuser after all that he has put you through, and how awfully he has treated you. you have no duty to him to stay, or put up with, or feel bad just because he changes his tactics for a brief moment in history! Remember abusers rarely change, but they do swap tactics in order to assert further control, but you don’t love him anymore…he’s probably aware of this, so be careful.

What you say in your post tells me you don’t like him, and thats ok. Its normal to not like someone who’s been so cruelto you, its you protecting yourself,and thats a good thing. If you keep safe, and protect yourself from further harms you are on the right path. Giveyourself a break, and its very brave to post as you have. take care of you.x

warmest wishes

ts

[nbumblebee]

Thanks TS i guess i just need to hear someone else say it out loud its all just so hard isnt it seems impossible right now just being me seems impossible. Sending you much love n hugs xx

[soapt]

Oh my gosh girl, I feel you. I don’t think I have any advice, but just a shoutout because this is exactly what’s happening with me. Pretty much your whole post. I feel that he could sense me slipping away and that’s why he is doing all this stuff to “prove” his love for me. I know he is good at reading people, and he unfortunately knows me pretty well. I HAVE been pulling away, secretly making plans to leave, etc. So I just don’t know how much of this calm, loving behavior I can trust.

I dont know how to handle this calm spell, should I try and re kindle my love for him? Should I try and be more loving more forgiving? Should I enjoy this time with this man that I once loved and try and love him again? Or do I stay on guard stay waiting worrying that he will revert back?

Exactly! Same boat. I wish someone could just take an inventory of my relationship and tell me what to do!

I cant bare to have him near me i dont want to spend time with him alone anymore…I just cant sit and cuddle him or kiss him or even hold his hand I just cant do it

It feels icky, right? Like for me, I’m repulsed. I do not look forward to his company, I dread it. Even though he is “trying”! Like, now all of a sudden I find him distasteful? IDK…

Maybe there is someone who has been through a seriously massive “calm” who can share how it went after?

[Twisted Sister]

Hi both

I am wondering what it would be that you would want to hear and how that would change anything for you?

Are you potentially looking for an experience that says he suddenly went all calm and affectionate towards me and never abused me again? I mean you might still be hopeful that he will change and can change for good? This would be totally your call of course, and the only way I would manage that expectation is that I’m sure it must have happened when he suddenly realises he could lose everything, but sadly, mostly its a temporary change of tactics that happens far far too late, once the woman has no love left, no patience or energy, and certainly a complete distaste of any intimacy with them because of the relentless harms they have caused, and that is a perfectly normal reaction to their abnormality. I personally believe this sense of normalcy they are portraying is a temporary ploy to pull you back in, and they will get cross and escalate should they realise its not working. do be careful and keep safe just in case this does turn out to be the case. Look after yourselves, priortise yourselves, and always hope for better than this for yourselves.

warmest wishes

ts

[nbumblebee]

Yep I wanyed to hear hey wow yeah sounds like the boundries are working and that he is changing and yeah maybe you need to learn to love him again have a nice enjoyable stress free life together. Yep thats what i wanted to hear.
I knew i wouldnt I know its most likely yet another tactic to keep me here i do know that really but i just hoped for one day jist a little bit of hope that he was changing.
Thank you TS i love your honesty and straight talking you talk stfaight from the heart and i love that. Thank you x*x

[Twisted Sister]

Hi nbumblebee

I am sorry, it can only be you that will know this one way or another. I, or anyone, can only base our comments on our own experiences and the learning that have come our way from becoming sadly experts with these abusers tactics. As you say, you know yourself deep inside, but your hope is still there searching for other possibilities, and you don’t want to give up hoping that this could be it.

People don’t realise, those that are lucky enough to have escaped abusive relationships, how much harder it is to disentangle yourself from an abusive relationship.

warmest wishes

ts

[searchingforhope]

It’s so hard isn’t it, no matter how many people you ask or run it by, no matter how many people tell us it’s wrong, it’s not normal, it shouldn’t be that way, we are still the only ones to make the choice at the end of the day.
Which when your self-esteem, self-confidence and belief in yourself has been crushed, its so unbelieavably difficult.

I’m newly separated, but not for long and it’s all very raw and he wants us to not throw everything away, yet at the same time, telling anyone he meets that we are separated. So that’s him again there playing the victim, looking for sympathy and how am I meant to trust or believe a word he says when I hear he’s been telling loads of people and blackening me prior to separating even. I don’t want to tell anyone. Some of the people I reached out to for support over last few months I haven’t spoken to properly since, as I just don’t want to talk about it.

This is all so hard. I’ve had a came 24hours, not tormenting messages. I’ve my notifications turned off for him for the night in case something comes in.

I hope you all continue to find the strength, hour by hour, day by day. Some days I really don’t know where it comes from, I certainly don’t know about any of you, but I know I have definitely not given myself the credit for how far I’ve come. Not sure when I well.

Take care. Sending you love x*x

[nbumblebee]

Its amazing that you got out so amazing sweetie i hope you can be proud of yourself.
Im so sorry he is still managing to make life hard for you like you say its early days and i really hope it gets easier as you so deserve a break sweetie.
Yeah you are right doesnt matter how many people tell me its just all too much to believe but I know I do know xxxx

[searchingforhope]

Hope your ok, you’re doing amazing x*x

[Bananaboat]

Oh lovely, he’s probably recognising you’ve changed and his tactics need to change, I worry he’s dangling just enough carrot to keep you hooked. We have all been there, that man we do desperately wanted is a possibility…but like you say you can never look at him quite the same way, never trust him fully, you’ll always be on eggshells expecting something. So even in the ‘good times’ you’re not fully relaxed and happy. As TS says we’ve been conditioned to think ‘letting us’ is great, but it isn’t really, we shouldn’t need permission and using sex just last week as a weapon shows he’s still got those entitled beliefs.

Advice you’ve given me in the past is to keep reminding yourself of those bad times, reread old posts/journals, he hasn’t said sorry has he? What advice would you be giving us if we’d written this post?

Trust your gut, it knows more than we think.xx

[nbumblebee]

Thanks @bananaboat i know you are right.
I tried to make an effort (detail removed by moderator) but he is in a mood and doesnt want to go as i am (detail removed by moderator) and he never gets to go out apparently.
Hes making me feel so guilty (detail removed by moderator) and i am trying to stand firm go out more this is the (detail removed by moderator) ive been out but actually (detail removed by moderator) so its not exactly something i often do he wont allow it.
As its (detail removed by moderator) he wont say no but instead is not talking to me as he is in a mood about it he says (detail removed by moderator).
I wonder if “normal” husbands would behave like this i have no clue thats sad isnt it?!
In answer to your question yes id say the same read remember how bad he gets remember how bad he makes you feel, the guilt the love is all part of it isnt it. Even though i dont want to see it and my heart is breaking in two right now cause i actually am starting to really belive it and i just dont want too. X

[Bananaboat]

Have you watched the video on the freedom programme website, there’s a short free version which gives you a good idea of what a ‘normal’ husband would do, I thought nah this is rubbish first time I watched it then started noticing other couples and how it’s actually accurate – it’s just not what we see. A normal guy would say go, enjoy, spend some time with your mum, but he’s making it into being all about him, making you feel guilty so you won’t fully enjoy it. Well done you for staying strong and pushing ahead. It’s really hard when your eyes start to open to their true nature xx

[nbumblebee]

@bananaboat just watched it.
Yeah i see what you are saying its so hard when its all youve ever known isnt it?
I actually dont know whats normal and what isnt thats scarey right?!
Thank you xxxx

[GrumbleBear]

Oh wow – how we are in the same boat!! I’m also in a calm spell, some niggles, “jokes” but not really jokes, an occasional grump but nothing major and waiting for it to change but, as you already know, wondering if I’m in the wrong for thinking as I do!!

How have things been??

[nbumblebee]

Hey @Grumblebear this is an old post from a week or two ago bjt it shows just how quickly things can change. As my goodness its changed. He has been worse than ever before so angry full of rage nasty comments put downs and threats all because i am trying to better nyself instead of being proud he is angry with me. I am having to dig so deep to keep going to make sure i dont give up on my job my new opportunities he is making every day so hard im not even allowed to share my day with him and my job can be heart breaking at times but he wont even listen. (Detail removed by moderator) and he is thretening me with that also as he doesnt want me to take on other opportunities. Life is horrible again and it will only get worse i fear. I should never ever have doubted myself. Sweetie dont doubt yourself believe in your instincs believe that you deserve better or he will continue on this cycle of abuse for as long as you allow it ive been here so long now i dont know any different I dont know whats normal and what isnt but I do know nobody who claims to love you should ever make you feel so low you hurt yourself and that what I do, its not a life sweetie it really isnt.
Sending you lots of love n hugs xxxx

[Plodding]

Hi there .. just wanted to agree with the first two posts from bumblebee and soapt and how exactly this is for me atm , I can relate to much of this right now xx

[GrumbleBear]

I’m sorry things have turned again. It really does show that the mask doesn’t stay on for very long.
You absolutely do need to keep doing things for you!! Get yourself out around positive people! xx

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