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The past (detail removed by Moderator) days have been great (he shouted and spat at me on (detail removed by Moderator) when he was drunk) and I weirdly start thinking we are getting somewhere then all of a sudden he changes. Out of the blue.
(detail removed by Moderator) I didn’t go to bed when he did and he has just had a go at me, bringing up everything I, my family and friends have ever done wrong too him. (Majority he’s made into a big thing from something and nothing, so I think)
I don’t get why he would do this, asking me repeatedly if I’ve cheated on him and he lists his reasons and get nasty.
I do get some of them and why he thinks the way he does but I honestly think there’s something else to why he randomly turns on me, or is it me, am I in denial about myself, have these things I think are little really something big and I’m ignorant to his feelings and my actions.
I would never turn on him, I’ve caught him messaging (detail removed by Moderator), lengthy messages too, I’ve let it go and won’t randomly bring it up (he tells me it was all innocent and he wouldn’t have sent any messages if he trusted me?) so why does he do it to me?
(I’ve not been messaging anyone, I replied to a few messages to a male, many years ago)
I won’t list everything but I’ve a reason to everything he says to why he can’t trust me. He says his anger is my fault for the things I’ve done.
What should I do.
He’s done so many good things for me and I wouldn’t be where I am if it wasn’t for him.
Because of this my mind plays tricks me and my heart is desperate for him to stop this -
Hi Pineapplepie,
None of what he’s doing is your fault, his anger is not your fault. Using blame like this is a common part of domestic abuse. There is nothing that you could have done that would make you responsible for his behaviour. Abuse is a choice that the abuser makes about how they’re going to treat someone.
Part of what makes domestic abuse so confusing is this switching between “nice” and “nasty” behaviour. However, even the “nice” times are part of the abuse. He is controlling how you get to feel, deciding when he’s going to allow you to feel loved and cared for. This keeps you in that space of longing for the “nice” version and looking to change your own behaviour to keep him in this phase. This is how the “nice” behaviour is as much part of the abuse as the “nasty”. It can also get emotionally confusing because he’s the one hurting you but then also the one that you go to for comfort.
The fact that it feels random when he turns on you may be that he’s moving the goalposts so you can’t predict his behaviour, keeping you on edge and trying to please him at all times. It’s very common that abusers will make accusations of cheating or use the excuse of jealousy as a reason for why they are being controlling. In reality it’s all part of the abuse and trying to shift responsibility for it onto you.
It’s normal to be feeling like you almost can’t trust your own version of reality when you’re experiencing abuse like this. You’re not alone. Keep reaching out to talk about what’s happening and learn about how abusers use their behaviour to control. If you’re not already in touch, you could reach out to your local domestic abuse service for some ongoing support. You might find the Freedom Programme helpful in making sense of your experience of abuse.
Take care and keep posting,
Lisa -
They do everything in there power. To make u believe u are the one in the wrong .they find a reason for everything. They want you to believe it’s you, it’s not .
I believe they accuse u of behaviors they are probably doing themselves.they try and justify withered own behaviors and put it on u .please believe it’s not you -
Thank you Lisa and determinedtobehappy for replying, it makes sense what you are saying. He’s gone back into his nice phase since this and I’m so on edge with the weekend coming up.
I was alone in the kitchen yesterday and my eldest walked in, I jumped out of my skin because I thought it was him, not long before I’d popped out to the shop, I was only a short time but I thought he was going to start with me and accuse me of cheating by wanting to go out late on. He hasn’t said anything about this but I’m waiting for it. This must be how he keeps me on edge, I wonder if he knows he doing in?
It is what seems normal to me now, but I know it’s not. -
He definitely knows he is doing it .I think it makes them feel powerful over someone, they love the control.
I hope you are ok -
Pineapple what he is doing will mess with your own reality of what is real, what is right for you and what isn’t right for you… he is trying to control you by accusing you of cheating (he knows if you are monogamous or not)…
Him spitting at you is a disgusting, unjustified reaction to anyone let alone the woman he ‘loves’…None of his behaviour is your fault.. he is choosing to treat you this way.
I am now out of a very long marriage, what you have written in your post struck a chord with me (and my heart filled with sadness)…. the nice him is part of the abuse cycle and we crave the nice version, change our own behaviour so as not to antagonise and get the abusive version… the ‘nice’ ‘nasty’ is a push and pull and it is draining, exhausting…
He is an adult, he is the only person responsible for his behaviour.
Have you got a journal to write in? As writing down his behaviours will show a pattern overtime.. abuse tends to be a pattern..
Keep posting
Hugs HFH ❤️ -
Writing it down seems a good idea, not sure where as I wouldn’t want him to find it.
I had one day a the weekend where he was horrible and criticising me all day, to the point I burst into tears, which he was saying was fake, he doesn’t realise or care how hurtful he is being. He doesn’t stop when he starts saying things and i know I’ve a full day of it, it is exhausting.
One thing I have noticed is how He’s very critical of everyone around him and angry at everything so when he falls out or has a disagreement with someone else I breathe a sigh of relief as I won’t be having a day of it being targeted at me; bit I still have to listen to how he’s right about whatever it is.
But what I noticed is when he hasn’t got any one to fall out with he creates some with me, it’s like he thrives of it -
I wrote in my phone..but only write if you are safe… or look back at what you have written down in this forum…
My husband would be moody and aggressive to other people, he could never, ever accept anything was his fault and he never took responsibility..That’s so hurtful for you, that he didn’t show any empathy or care when you cried..
HFH ❤️
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