Why am I afraid of him?

[nevertoolate]

I have read so many inspiring posts on this forum that have made me realise abuse covers many different forms and isn’t always physical violence. However I still feel confused and ashamed for being afraid of my husband if I leave him.
I told him a few months ago that I didn’t feel anything for him and that I wanted to split up. I moved into the spare room and he organised counselling for us. After a few sessions I told him that I didn’t have the emotional energy to stay and work on our marriage as he always blames me whenever I’ve said I was unhappy in the past. He stormed off after yelling at me to get out of the house straight away. When I got back home he had blocked the driveway with his car and locked me out of the house. He did let me in but I think it was possibly only because I had our oldest child with me by then. In front of both kids he told me again to get out immediately and that he wouldn’t let me take the kids with me, that I could never have the house as it is joint property (and therefore he thinks he owns it??) and that he would decide when he would I could see the kids.
I told my GP about this chain of events when I ended up a gibbering wreck in her surgery but she said it wasn’t quite abuse but that I should contact WA if I wanted help making plans to leave.
Am I going mad or being over sensitive? I have never been afraid of him before and he has never ever used physical force with anyone. I also worry that other people will think that I shouldn’t have just told him out of the blue that I wanted to leave. Was his reaction normal?

[Velveteenbun]

Call womens aid, it might be talking to them sheds light on past abusive behaviour. I didn’t know my relationship had been abusive until i was in touch with idas after his first physical assault on me after we broke up.
I was talking about things he had said or done and they were finishing sentences for me. I remeber saying for examaple…he never said i couldn’t do something though and the helpline workers response was “but i bet he didn’t have to”.
If you had asked me (removed by moderator) years ago was i afraid of me ex, my answer would have been no. The thing is i was, i was afraid of his reaction to things. A woman who is not afraid of her partner doesn’t have to have a drink to tell him she is going on a night out with work.

[nevertoolate]

Hi velveteenbun
Thank you for replying its boosted my self-confidence no end today. Just being believed after years of having my feelings dismissed is so positive. I am starting to remember past incidents which made me uncomfortable or that something was not quite right, so I will take your advice and call the helpline when I next have an opportunity.

[Lisa]

Hi nevertoolate,

Thanks for your post and welcome to the forum. I’m sorry to read what you are going through.
Your GP’s response suggests that she doesn’t have a strong understanding of what constitutes emotional abuse and control. Your husband’s reaction was certainly not normal. His behaviour during the incident you explain was emotionally abusive, threatening and controlling. Also you are feeling afraid, and that is your instinct reacting naturally to his abusive behaviour; you are not being oversensitive.

Please keep posting on here and as suggested call the helpline to speak to a female support worker in confidence; they won’t tell you what to do but are there to listen and talk through your options.

Kind Regards,

Lisa

[nevertoolate]

Thank you for reading my post – I really appreciate the support on this forum already.
Will call the helpline when I can X

[KIP.]

My husband reacted just like yours. Shouting at me in front of our son, telling me to get out when it was him who got caught having an affair. That was my get out of jail free card. He hadn’t physically assaulted me until I tried to end the relationship then he couldn’t help himself. These men are most dangerous when you are trying to leave so be very careful. My ex was arrested after assaulting me and he wouldn’t have stopped if our son hadn’t stepped in. They can only keep themselves under control when they are getting everything their own way. It’s not your shame to be afraid of your husband. its his ❤️

[nevertoolate]

Hi KIP
That must have been terrifying for you and to do that in front of a child is despicable. I hope you are both safe and well now.
I feel bad making plans in secret and a part of me wants to just tell him again that I’ve had enough trying to make it work and that I want out. But reading your stoy and others on here has stopped me feeling guilty as his reaction might be worse second time around. It’s just so exhausting having to pretend everything is ok!

[Velveteenbun]

I hope they can help you make sense of this. It was shocking to me and still is to realise what i spent years putting up with and how it had become normal to me.
My support worker recommended i read a book called why does he do this by lundy bancroft. I am finding it so helpful you can get a free sample on google play and amazon. It might be worth a look.

[nevertoolate]

Thank you, I’ll look for those books. I’m reading a lot about n**********c personalities too at the moment and it is really helping me see his behaviour in a different light.

[EeyoreNoMore]

Another vote for Lundy Bancroft here, it’s the best £12 you’ll ever spend!!

[nevertoolate]

Thank you for the suggestion.

[Author]

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