Why am I allowing this to still happen?

[Keepbeingbrave]

Hi, this is my first time on here. In fact this is the first time I’ve told my story to anyone at all actually.
I’ve been with my partner for months now. And I’m ashamed to admit that he has been abusing me for  of those.
Physical, mental and controlling abuse are part of everyday life for me now.
I’m posting finally for a reason. He hit me so hard a few days ago twice across my face I had earache in both ears for 2 days afterwards. I would love to be able to say that he is the sort of man who even apologises for his behaviour. But no. It was my fault, I made him do it, I pushed him to it as usual. But for some reason, something small changed in my brain this time and I swore to myself the next time he hit me would 100% be the last. I’ve found myself struggling more and more now. I am feeling so low, so worthless. Wondering what it is that I’ve done so wrong to deserve this. He tells me he wasn’t like this with his previous partner. He says he never raised his hand to her once in (detail removed by moderator) years. So I’m left thinking why me? So often after such a short time? He doesn’t accept any responsibility for his actions at all. He behaves however he feels fit, and I’m the one who doesn’t see my friends anymore (he hates them) I’ve been made to remove people off Facebook) I dress differently now to keep him happy, I also don’t dye my hair etc to keep him sweet. I know that everything I am telling you screams out ‘leave, get out!’ If another women was telling me this stuff I would be terrified for her. I’m not terrified anymore, I’m numb to it now. I’m ashamed at myself rather than him. He is only doing it because I allow him to.
I have convinced myself that the next time will be the last, and I’m sure I won’t have to wait too long until the next time.
It has been a relief to see that I am not alone, but why do I still feel panic about letting him go? Why do I feel sick at the thought of losing someone who treats me the way that he does? What is wrong with me? I know deep down he won’t change

 

 

[Fudgecake]

Hello and welcome to the forum.
I’m sad to hear you’re going through this but you wouldn’t be here otherwise. This is a safe place to talk and get good advice. My advice to you is to leave as soon as you can. It’s not going to get better and deep down you know that. The strong attachment is through trauma bonding which he’s developed since you first met him. It’s a strong and toxic bond which only you can break. Not easy I know and breaking away pays its own unique price. Worth it though for a life free from fear. Make plans to leave and keep posting for your own sanity xx

[Twisted Sister]

Dear Keepbeingbrave

Very sorry for your suffering at his abusive hands.

This is his abuse on you. The only reason for it is hes abusive. It’s truly not personal. Despite what he would have you believe it absolutely isn’t anything you’ve done. Hes just abusive, and there’s no excuse for it,none.

The next time might be when you lose your hearing or your retinas detach in your eyes and you are permanently blinded.

It happens easily when that kind of force is used. The next time could be something else more dangerous even. There is no telling.

Its the continual erosion of your self and worth, that leaves you feeling so unable to be apart from him,believing there is not enough of you to manage without him,that you need him, he has become all powerful to you.

Keep posting and sharing your thoughts as you work this out. You deserve real love and respect, consideration and kindness as a minimum.

You deserve better. You do not ‘allow’ or ‘enabl’ or ‘facilitate’ this. Hes the one in control, not you….yet.

You can have a better life,do keep talking and getting all the support you can find everywhere you can.

Look after yourself and above all keep safe. Keep your phone ‘warm’ with 999 on redial. You could also let the police know you have been assaulted and are planning on leaving andto put a marker on your address/number.

Its better they are aware beforehand.

Warmest wishes

TS

[Twisted Sister]

…and please put your shields up to his obvious lies. No man just suddenly turns into an abuser, hes also hardly likely to tell you that he beat his previous partner. Shut out his rubbish and start listening to your own voice and instincts.

Put you first.

[KIP.]

Please speak to the domestic abuse police and report his behaviour. This opens up access to agencies that will help you. Or contact your local women’s aid. You need help to break that trauma bond and keep away from this dangerous man. Abusers are liars. Don’t believe a word he says. Abuse always gets worse and you can bet he’s done this type of thing before. You can ask the police using Claire’s Law if he has previous convictions or reports against him. Keep posting. You do not deserve this. Blaming us is an abusers tactic. He chooses to do this to you.

[Keepbeingbrave]

Many thanks to all you ladies for your kind words, advice and support.
I do feel calmer today, I feel like I’ve taken a step back so to speak from the ‘bubble of love’ that I had previously felt I was in in regards to my feelings towards him. And that has in turn left me feeling a bit more positive and stronger. I’m hoping this is a turning point for me in regards to actually finally leaving and taking steps to remove him from my life. I also plan to make an appointment with my local women’s aid office and talk to someone there as well which I haven’t even considered doing until now. Thanks so much again girls

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