Why am I being blamed?

[Lionsloth]

Having a really bad day today. I effectively lost my job because of being the victim of abuse and there was a substantiated (detail removed by moderator) against me that potentially I had put the (detail removed by moderator) with at risk because they could have (detail removed by moderator). I never did anything wrong in my job other than being a victim of abuse.
Anyway things started to look up as I got offered a new job and I told them all about (detail removed by moderator). Only today that offer has been withdrawn as the (detail removed by moderator) has told them there would be concerns with me having the role. I was never informed of any restrictions placed on me so I’m really not sure why they are now telling the new employer I can’t do the role. I’m absolutely gutted as it finally felt like I could take a step forward and now I have no job again and it looks like I won’t be able to get one in the career I’ve given my life to and spent years training for. Why is it I am being punished for being the victim of abuse and the perpetrator has no consequence or effect on them? It feels so unfair and like I am being blamed for being abused. I’ve lost everything and all speaking out has done has ruined my life and made everything worse.

[Hetty]

That sounds really unfair. Not that I’m a HR professional. Have you consulted a union or sought legal advice?
I really feel for you xx

[KIP.]

Hi, I’m really sorry this is happening. Are you still with your abuser? If you are then I can understand their concern, however if you have left your abuser then I’d definitely challenge this decision. They have to safeguard children and other staff and if anything happened then they’d be the first people to be criticised for not taking precautions.

[Neueranfang]

What you are describing is one of my biggest fears.I am also working with children and I recently started a new position that I absolutely love.It is great fun, a great team and just a lovely work environment and I’ve worked really hard to get this position.
Anyway my abusive partner/Ex partner (I asked him to move out of my flat weeks ago but he isn’t going) hates my job just like every job I ever had.I get verbally abused and interviewed every morning before work.He reckons I am going to work to be around men.I lost previous jobs because of him and he threatened to turn up at my work and do stuff to me etc in the past.I’m always walking on eggshells at work.When the phone is ringing my heart sinks because I think it might be him.He humiliated me before by calling my son’s nursery when I had an appointment with the nursery teacher and didn’t answer my mobile phone.He repeatedly called the nursery up and when they passed the phone to me, he verbally abused me, then hung up on me then called again.So very embarrassing.He dod the same when I went to the hairdresser.He googled the number and then called the hairdresser and asked for me, verbally abused me and hung up.I felt so humiliated that I had to run out with wet and I never returned.
I know that he constantly googles my work place to see who I am around and I’m so scared he will call my work one day.

[Lionsloth]

No I am no longer with him and haven’t been for a long time but we have kids together and so he was still in our lives until (detail removed by moderator) when the police arrested him. This was without my support but lots of assurances were made and I gave a statement but in the end it was dropped and all the professionals who said they would support me disappeared and left me to deal with the consequences of opening my mouth. It’s been horrible, I’ve lost everything for nothing, am completely on my own with it and am the one who’s being punished. It’s certainly taught me one thing, never ask anyone for help again.

[Empoweredhealing]

This is an unfortunate result but I would like to chime in so that other women are not discouraged from seeking help.
It’s VERY important and often life saving to seek help when there is this type of severe abuse.
The successful prosecution of an abuser depends on a lot of things and may not succeed even if you cooperated with law enforcement throughout the entire process.
But abuse should be called out every time especially when children are involved. Even the threat of prison is enough to deter some abusers from their worse behaviors.

[Whatever]

That’s a dreadful story, my abuser reported me to the police because I threw my (detail removed by moderator) and hurt me. Police came took me away I got arrested tried to show the police the photos I had started to keep of my injuries = they didn’t even look at them. I therefore no what it means to lose trust in those that should help you,

[KIP.]

I’d definitely challenge the decision especially if you can now prove that he no longer presents a threat to you and your work place. It’s really unfortunate and sadly another effect of the abuse we suffer. Try to build a strong case or see if they will compromise. As you say you’re doing everything right. Most of us here have violent exes and why should that affect our chances of employment.

[Cantmakedecisons]

This is awful and to be honest one of my biggest fears. I don’t work with children but the fear of lack of support if I was to give a statement is too much too bear. It’s been a long time and varying serverity but reporting and then being left to deal with the aftermath is enough to stop me right now.

Surely you have rights re:job. I’m so sorry you’re having such a horrid time. Don’t give up xx

[Author]

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