Why am I feeling like this?

[colouringinfairy]

My ex and I have been separated for most of this year now, and I am waiting to hear from the police if the CPS are going to press charges against him for assaulting me.

I’ve met a really nice guy who treats me like an absolute princess (though naturally my guard is completely up and I am very apprehensive to trust him – which he understands), and I was feeling as though I was developing feelings for him. But over the last couple of days I have been thinking about my ex and missing him.

Usually, when I think about our happy memories (which were few and far between) I remind myself of the assault and everything else he did and said to me over the years and it helps me deal with the feeling of missing him. But that’s not cutting it at the moment.

I still feel so connected to him, and as though by seeing someone else I am betraying him. He still has a hold over me.

I’m sure plenty of people on here have felt this exact same way, but would be so good to hear how others deal with and overcome this feeling. I am hoping it’s just a blip, but given our long history and immensely strong feelings for one another I am scared I am starting to be less concerned about what he did to me and more concerned by his absence in my life.

[fizzylem]

Hey, it’s natural that a new relationship will stir emotions from the past, it helps to seperate your feelings so you come to know which belong in the here and now and which in the past, which are for him now and which were for him then, so you can workout how you really feel in the present.

Have you ever had therapy? It helps a great deal to be free of the past before entering into a new relationship, to resolve your feelings, otherwise these things have a tendancy to come back and bite you, and your new man, can damage the current relationship. Therapy can help to prevent this from happening.

It’s great you’re acknowledging this, I think what you have noticed is that you are not free to love again just yet x

[colouringinfairy]

Thanks fizzylem, really appreciate your advice and think it’s a good idea.

I do have a therapist that I have been seeing for a long time, she is very helpful just sometimes my feelings are so overwhelming not even seeing her helps.

I don’t know how to handle the new relationship – my feelings aren’t developing as quickly as the relationship is and it’s just reminding me of how I instantly connected with my ex and fell in love with him so quickly. That connection still feels so strong but I know I could never be with him. Just so desperate to move on!

[fizzylem]

It sounds like you have done a lot of great work with this therapist, but that it may be time to try someone new, therapy has to help or it’s money wasted. It’s common for the need to switch up our help now and again, we kind of get to a point sometimes where we take everything we can from one therapist and all they can really offfer us from here is support only – which is nice yes but it doesnt help hey.

So you are comparing how you felt in the early days then; thing is, he schmoozed you lol, schmoozed. I suspect he told you what you waanted to hear, this is common, and the relationship grew out of intense feelings as a result. This made you think he gets me, Ive found my soul mate, we’re so very alike, but this is often not the case, once his mask slips, we see that they did not share our hopes and dreams, our beliefs and values at all, so we were not really the kindred spirits we were led to believe.

For example, my partner always said we could retire in (detail removed by moderator), we talked about the dream a lot when togther, but when we split he threw that in my face and said he was never going to go, that was my dream, never his. That made me think that gosh, all those chats we had were all him just agreeing with me to make me think we share the same dream and goal. I was stunned. I really thought it was a shared dream for a long time – because he led me to believe that.

You actually dont want feelings to develop again quickly really, as you make emotional decisons from the heart, before you feel you really know him, that head and heart are both satisfied. Think back, bet there were signs in the early days now that you can now see, where your heart was ruling over your head, things you felt uncomfrotable about but glazed over them for love.

I would be really concerned if you said your feelings are developing quickly tbh, you need to know he’s what you want first, that you know him pretty well, before lowering your guard into this vulnerable place again with a man – and allow your feelings to develop. What you are describing to me sounds healthy and normal, but also different – and this is a good thing x

 

[fizzylem]

I think the best relationships grow out friendship first, because we feel we really know the person, trust him, know his flawas, know how he deals with anger, frustration and disappointment etc; know if we can resolve our difficulties; know he is respectful, understands and respects our boundaries, is a kind, loving soul – then if romantic feelings develop – it as safe a bet as we can make hey. Lots of boxes to tick before we can take it to the next intimate level x

[colouringinfairy]

Yes, my ex also had lots of plans for us in the future. It was non stop. When he was fully in it, it was like he was 100 times more invested in the relationship than me. Was he trying to lure me into a false sense of security? Mostly he was just jealous and possessive, hated me socialising with men, even told me not to on a few occasions. By the end of our relationship I was left with 1 male friend that I managed to keep through so much convincing. The worst part of it is, he left me. He broke my heart by drunkenly assaulting me, then left me and I still don’t understand why. He says he was finally doing the right thing by me, that he is sick and I deserve someone better, doesn’t want to hurt me again, then he ghosts me, keeps my house keys, refuses to say goodbye in person, pick up his stuff and then denies the assault to the police.

Think it is just so confusing when meeting someone new – obviously I am looking for all the signs and red flags, but then that has just taken my mind back to him and all that he did, all the things I put to the side because I loved him so much. I’ll never be the same again. I was triggered for the first time the other day watching a TV show. I had a panic attack and was sick. He has ruined a part of me – and my life – and the thought of him makes me sick. So why the hell would I miss him?

So confused 🙁

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi Colouringinfairy

Have you read about trauma bonding? This is probably why you still miss him, here one of the (many!) definition of Trauma bonding
“Traumatic bonding occurs due to the cyclical nature of abuse and the emotional roller coaster the victim goes through due to abuse. The alternating phase of reward and punishment creates powerful emotional bonds that are hard to change. “
You can break this bond, it takes time but eventually you will miss him less and less. Just never contact him when you miss him because of course he will still be the nasty cruel abuser.

They fake their enthusiasm at the beginning, wanting to share our dreams, they only ever follow their own ambitions (read exploiting others) once they are done exploiting us they move on to the next person to exploit and abuse and get the maximum out of them.

You feel perhaps broken now but it won’t be like this for ever. One post on here said ( from KIP) we had strength in us to survive the abuse, this strength is still within us and can be turned around…to heal and rebuild ourselves.

Sending you hugs 💞

[fizzylem]

Maybe you miss what you hoped it would be? I mean you wanted things to be as they were in the begining for a long time, and you thought you’d met the love of your life, at some time you thought you’d grow old together. Only you found out this wasnt going to be. I fooled myself for a long time that he did love me, because it was too much to bare to accept our love was a lie, but once I’d removed this filter, after much reluctance, it helped me no end to see the what our relationship really was and the person he really is – a user, a parasite, an abusive controller, a ghost, someone unavailable, someone only ever really concerned with his own survival and sucking me and the next person dry, a cold and callous man, with no emotional maturity.

He assaulted you and then ghosted you, classic text book abuser, not a care or thought for you in the slightest, he knew he’d exposed himself fully to you at that point, that he needed a new supply, or he ghosted you hoping this would hurt you, to try and get you back believe it or not, as mad as this logic sounds.

It’s pretty common for people to unconscously try to avoid the pain of the loss by going back, its never the answer of course, but people do, the pain can feel too much to bare and rather than ride it out and do what our self respecting self is telling us to do, stay away, we ignore this and react from our our emotions, fool ourselves into thinking this is what we need, so we go back to stop this pain.

He may have been trying this tactic on you, because if someone goes back after being assaulted, the abuser knows he’s got full control then and can do as he pleases. You had a lucky escape. You had the good sense to walk away despite what he was doing – you left him to get on with it. Sometimes at this point the woman will beg him to come back, it usually takes several attempts to leave then, because head and heart are in a constant conflict.

The fact you loved him despite his flaws tells us that you can love, this was never the problem, it was him who couldnt love. Means you can and will again when you feel the time is right to open your heart x

[colouringinfairy]

Thank you both for your advice. I have read about trauma bonding and it certainly rings true when understanding the logic of it. The whole thing is just exasperating and tiring, I’ve been trying to move on from this man for years and it doesn’t feel like it will ever be over.

If my case goes to court, I don’t know how I will feel when I see him. I want him to see me so I can see his face when I testify, but I just don’t want to turn to mush and have a surge of feelings come back for him. It’s just so hard to believe and accept that his feelings for me were never real and I have literally meant nothing to him all this time :'(

[fizzylem]

It’s a very hard pill to swallow CF, it tastes bitter, but after this there is truth, your truth, an ability to really see him as the person he is, and this helps you put those feelings you’ve talked about to bed. I found my ex repugnant for a while after this, now I flit between anger and pity, but the anger only flares because I have to deal with him now and again for our child. I can process this anger pretty quickly now though; I spent years being consumed with anger before this – which was dreadful.

I feel for you with the prospect of court; I’m sure you feel you’d rather lose an arm than go some days. You will do what you need to do when the time comes, if it comes, muster the strength that you need. Keep posting on here, you will get lots of support from us through this.

I hear in some courts you can request a blind, so that you cant see him – have you heard of this? It depends on whether the court has some sort of facility to do it.

If he’s charged you will forever feel you got justice, which can help, a lot of women find they regret never having pressed charges later down the line. Of course if he is charged, he can be placed on the Claire’s Law register so that any woman considering a relationship with him is aware he assualted you if they check this register – kind of helps knowing you called him out, he was served and that you have done what you can to help him try and take responsibilty for his behaviour and warn others x

[colouringinfairy]

I know how you feel. It’s weird, despite missing him the idea of him makes me feel sick. I don’t know if you watch Big Little Lies but I can identify with Nicole Kidman’s character to a certain extent, but I don’t fantasize over him, think of him sexually anymore and want him back. But it is a tricky, grey and murky area. Part of me feels love for him, the rest nothing but resentment and loathing for not only what he did but his treatment of me afterwards and his denial of the assault.

The detective on my case said I can have a screen up if I want to, but I don’t. I want to be able to look him in the eyes. He has always accused me of being like his mother – who is a weak mess of a woman ie. he doesn’t think I am strong. He was stunned when he was arrested, he did not think I would ever have the strength to turn on him. I want to show him how strong I am and that he was wrong to think he could abuse me mentally, assault me and then leave me to deal with it in silence.

I really hope that he is charged and ultimately convicted – I am doing this for myself, and to have some peace of mind that after years of abuse he can finally be held accountable for the damage he has done to me. But I also want to protect any future women. I wish he would get help so that no one has to suffer the way I did, but I know deep down the only person whose life has changed from this is mine. He really has taken so much from me.

[fizzylem]

When this is the done you will have cleared the way; of course its hard to engage in a new relationship while this is still unfinished. I hear you, he’s taken the best part of a decade from me and harmed my daughter in many ways too. I also have looming court case. I also want to walk in with my head held hhigh, to show I am not scared anymore and that I’m not tolerating his BS, exposing him, getting the justice we need.

I strongly believe that once we get past this CF, life is on the other side. I think it’s important in healing to get the life you really want, chip away at this, use what has happened to inform us, make us wiser, deepen our compassiona and undertsanding for others. I find I got rid of alot of superficial relationships and those that just left me feeling bad, you learn the importance in being true to yourself and don’t settle for anything less than what is right for you – which means you have a much better shot at getting it right, succeeding and happiness. I’ve learnt so much from this about me and the world, yes it’s almost finished me at times and my health has suffered, so it’s also shown me the value in taking care of me – first and always before anything else.

These men are dreadful, they are a drain on society and menaces. Won’t happen again – we now have much more resiliance and the ability to spot one. Take your inspiration from others that have overcome adversity, they are all around you, the Jews, lots of women in India, veterans, tina turner, mandella – it can be done I’ve seen it many times.

You are where you are at the moment and this is part of it. You still need to be able to draw from what happened for court – so until this has concluded you’re still stuck with this. It will be a good day for you walking away from court for sure hey. New beginings xx

[colouringinfairy]

So sorry to hear you have a court case looming too – it’s so much extra pain on top of everything else that it hardly seems worth it, but then I remember this is the only way I will ever get justice from what he did to me.

How have you found other relationships since your ex? I have found I am very quick to judgement and it will literally take nothing to make me cut someone out. I hate being like this but I know it is a defense mechanism that I am going to carry around for a while.

I just wish I could go back to the person I was before he came into my life.

[HopeLifeJoy]

You’ll be able to return to who you were, and much more, much better because you’ll be stronger, protecting your treasure self with more strength.

I’m keeping any abusive people out of my life, I have zero tolerance for any of them – family, friends is doesn’t matter – I feel I need to do this for self my self-preservation and safety.
Few months ago, I scrolled through my contact list assessing every single one of them and added the word ‘abuser’ next to their name if I had any doubts. The result was shocking. Half or more of them were abusive manipulative controlling people. After my indigestion I radically deleted them.
Clean slate. I am rather left with few people in my life which I know are 100% well intended and safe for me.
But even those who are left I keep them at arms length. I got invited but can’t bring myself to go to them. I still feel the need to protect myself quite strongly from anyone. I just don’t let anyone near me. With time I am sure this feeling will diminish, anxiety will lessen and I’ll be able to let my guards down a little…one day. But not today 🙂

[colouringinfairy]

Very true HopeLifeJoy – my biggest fear is that this will happen again as I seriously question my sense of judgement. It’s proven I am a terrible judge of character for falling for this boys absolute lies and manipulation. Did you feel that way after the abuse and relationship ended?

[diymum@1]

I cant answer for everyone but I felt my trauma bond subsided very gradually but only because I didn’t go not contact due to the kids. I can say it does go completely, eventually. You do look back and think what was I thinking, we’re are slowly groomed. In a new relationship we do tread carefully and the Down side for me is abuse has made me very black or white. I expect alot I a relationship -if we have a small arguement I think oh oh I wonder how this will play out. With time and experience you might be shocked that some men work through any disputes or even miscommunication. Then the relationship gets stronger and the trust builds. I’m hoping in time I will feel completely secure, who knows. I do think we’re more aware now tho of the red flags we need to be vigilant off. Recently I’ve been spotting manipulation alot in every walk off life. Least we know now to set those boundaries high xxxx much love diymum

[colouringinfairy]

Yes I feel the same – not just shock over men being able to resolve disputes and miscommunications, but by actually treating me nicely. I’ve been quite sick over the last few days and had a bit of a miscommunication with my new man over him coming round and I decided to ignore him as I did not want the disappointment of him saying he wouldn’t be coming round (something my ex used to do before he amped up the control). I went to sleep after taking my anti biotics and woke up to my friend letting him in. He had turned up despite me clearly being an unreasonable grump and not saying he could come by, with flowers and my favourite donuts! My immediate reaction is “this is too good to be true” and to be skeptical. It’s sad!

I don’t know if I am more wise and prone to seeing the red flags now or just a paranoid cynical distrusting bitter woman who will look for any reason to cut someone out :/

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