Why am I sabotaging my life

[Anonymous]

I know what is wrong, I know it is unlikely he’ll change. I know my situation is having a damaging effect on my children. I know I am not the person I would like to be. I know I am not happy and could do something about it. Why am I sabotaging my own life and that of my children. Why wont I walk away and not look back. Why do I feel like I am being held by some invisible yet powerful force?

My mind set at the moment is such that I would rather alienate my family and friends by staying with my husband, risk losing everyone who is good in my life, than tell him it is over and I can’t live like this anymore. I seem willing to give it all up for a man who doesn’t care, who has caused my so much hurt and pain and who will probably continue to do so in the future. Why am I so scared of him and the prospect of a future without him x

[lover of no contact]

Hi Marthamoo,

Abusive relationships are very complex. The dynamics are difficult. We are Trauma- Bonded to the abuser. Its a cycle, ‘nasty/nice’, ‘pretend love/hate’. Leaving is a process. The first step is Awareness, you have that, which is powerful, Awareness is painful (the abuse and what it is doing to ourselves and our loved ones). Leaving is a process, you are on your way. What you are feeling now is a normal part of the process of breaking free.

To hurry up the process and help us move through the process of leaving I find posting on here and reading the posts works. reaching out to Women’s Aid when needed. Reading books by Lundy ‘Why does he do that?’

Just want to add, your post helped me, my daughter is in the cycle of abuse with her dad and her life is being sabotaged (by her own behaviours), she is still in the denial phase, I wish she would move unto the awareness stage, there is little I can do except support her.

Although I broke free from him he is abusing me indirectly by abusing my lovely daughter. It is so painful to watch. But she is the only one who can choose to leave the cycle of abuse. He will never end it (he likes it the way it is with her upset and hurt and her life in a mess because of him), she is the only one who can end the cycle of abuse by leaving the relationship with him.

Have hope, you will get there in your process of leaving your abuser, keep posting.

[Twisted Sister]

something all of us recognise, i’m sure, Marthamoo 🙁 If it were so easy to go these men would spend their lives alone and women would never show interest in them in the first place, never get drawn into their webs off deceit, lies and false ‘love’.

As it is unfortunately, being in an abusive relationship is part of the reason its so much harder to leave. Most take many times at it to finally leave, and you can only do it when you are ready and noone can make you ready. You see it all logically, i wonder if you are thinking more of his feelings/reactions than your own and placing his as paramount above everything. I certainly felt that, even long after leaving and it makes me sick to remember how ultimately important he was way above our own well-being, or maybe too scared at the moment because its such a lot to face? You see all the good reasons but that doesn’t make it an easy step to take.

We’re all with you, when you’re ready, keep posting how you’re doing and maybe speaking tothe helpline might give you some extra real life support to feel stronger for it?

warmest wishes KS xx

[Lisa]

Hi Marthamoo,

Thank you for your post. I’m really sorry to hear what you’re going through because of the abuse from your husband. It sounds like you’re feeling really trapped, which is completely understandable. Whilst many survivors find the ‘trauma bonding’ theory a useful tool to help understand domestic abuse, there is a risk that it can place blame on the survivor and take the focus away from the strength of survivors. It is not you sabotaging your life, or any weakness of your character, it is your husband and his abusive actions, which he is solely responsible for.

There are many valid reasons why women don’t leave abusive relationships, which you may or may not relate to; still loving him, thinking about the children, financial concerns, housing; the list is long. However all of these can be worked through and having specialist support can really help. It might help you to talk more about your individual concerns and barriers either here on the forum or by calling the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247.

We are all here for you, keep posting.

Lisa

[Falling Skys]

Hi

At least you are aware that its abuse that’s part way there, its not easy to leave them or we would have all got a long time ago.

I have been separated though in the same house till it sales for quite a while and to my shock on the way home today I shouted out “I love you” and his name. I don’t think I do but it shows how they mess with your head.

I have lost many friends and not seen family because of him, but as time moves forward I am building new relationships with them and making new.

My children are mess up because I stay and as I say I made all the wrong chooses for all the right reasons.

Good luck xx

[Anonymous]

Thank you all for your messages. They mean a lot. My family and friends don’t understand how hard it is to break away and are slowly starting to think I am a fool and a lost cause. I am frightened of what the future hold and frightened of making a mess of it all. I am also frightened of him and how he’ll react when he knows it is finally over. He has never really been physically abusive but there have always been violent undertones, intimidation and threats. I worry that when he has nothing left to loose he may up the stakes.

I feel like I am living a lie and I agree with Karmasister that I am probably putting his feelings and wants before my own. He gave me an ultimatum a week or so ago and asked whether I was going to be here for Christmas or whether I was leaving. He said he didn’t want to have a nice Christmas as a family, for me to then up and leave in the New Year. I said I would leave but then he begged me to stay and here I am. I just don’t know what to do. Christmas is fast approaching. I could leave before but the children will be devastated. If I leave in the new year, he will just think I stayed for the presents and was just leading him on. My love for him has died, I don’t want him to touch me, I just go through the motions of day to day life. He keeps telling me he loves me and then gets cross if I don’t tell him back. He says I am a taker and not a giver, which makes me feel really bad. I know I am giving him false hope by staying but feel so stuck x

[Anonymous]

Thank you all for your messages. They mean a lot. My family and friends don’t understand how hard it is to break away and are slowly starting to think I am a fool and a lost cause. I am frightened of what the future hold and frightened of making a mess of it all. I am also frightened of him and how he’ll react when he knows it is finally over. He has never really been physically abusive but there have always been violent undertones, intimidation and threats. I worry that when he has nothing left to loose he may up the stakes.

I feel like I am living a lie and I agree with Karmasister that I am probably putting his feelings and wants before my own. He gave me an ultimatum a week or so ago and asked whether I was going to be here for Christmas or whether I was leaving. He said he didn’t want to have a nice Christmas as a family, for me to then up and leave in the New Year. I said I would leave but then he begged me to stay and here I am. I just don’t know what to do. Christmas is fast approaching. I could leave before but the children will be devastated. If I leave in the new year, he will just think I stayed for the presents and was just leading him on. My love for him has died, I don’t want him to touch me, I just go through the motions of day to day life. He keeps telling me he loves me and then gets cross if I don’t tell him back. He says I am a taker and not a giver, which makes me feel really bad. I know I am giving him false hope by staying but feel so stuck x

[Lioness]

I Am in a very similar situation to you pretty much parallel I wanted to see how we went of over Xmas,I didn’t want to leave because it would ruin our daughters Christmas. Now it’s over I still feel the same as before. He will never change and I’m trying to leave, but it is so hard it’s unbearable.I hope you are ok Hun xx

[Confused123]

HI Hun hope u ok, walking away is so hard specially when taking the abuse just becomes a norm , but with the rigth support u can do this, speak to a support worker about how u feel, i cried and cried months before i finally left, just takingthat last step seem impossible and hun if i didnt cry and speak to people i prob would of been dead by now , i can only relate to my personal scenario to make u realize u not alone, these men drain us mentally and emotionally till we stop functioning. in the end i just shut down to another level i didnt even think was possible, negative people tellimg me why dont i just leave, ex family telling me i didnt need to go no where as had full family support even though was getting beaten daily, arguments were non stop , was just a zombie walking about trying to survive. POsitive people like support workers telling me it was wrong what was happening,i didnt need to take it and giving me encouragment to find strength to walk away, they say we all have our light bulb moment, i used to think whats that and when will i have mine , it happens whenu least expect, u can try and try but they dont change cause they dont want to, dont let factors like u r rippin family apart stop u, they ripped the family not u, dont listen to anyone saying its too late now, its never too late, post on here as much as u need to we will support u. it is hard but not as hard as we imagaine it to be

[Confused123]

hi hun hope u ok, thinking of u x*x

[Author]

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