Why am I so afraid

[Rose1]

My husband says the most horribly abusive things to me..and his moods shift so quickly that it can literally take my breath away…so why in the face of all this abuse am I terrified that he will leave..I didn’t used to be like this..I’d stand my corner..but now I cower and apologise for things that I shouldn’t have to..he deliberately says these things and frightens me..and inside I absolutely despise him but I just get swallowed up with fear..how will I manage..a year of abuse has literally turned me in to someone I don’t recognise..and I feel so alone with the secret and shame of my current life

[Catjam]

Hi, these guys are so good at turning us into mush. They strip away everything from us till they have us exactly where they want us. You are stronger than you realise. I finally reached out to My gp who put me in touch with my local support group. Also get in touch with women’s aid.
You have nothing to feel ashamed of, this is all about him and his need to keep you in one place which is doing everything for his benefit.
If you can start keeping a record of everything, there are apps you can get.
Some of the other ladies will have some good advice. Keep reaching out. The ladies on here are amazing and I wouldn’t be where I am without them xx

[Darcy]

Hi beautiful Angel… Rose1,
I second what Catjam says… ”You are stronger than you realise”
He has just knocked your confidence and made you believe otherwise, which is very common in abuse.
If you can research about trauma bonding, it is when you are bonded to the same person who gives you ‘love’ and approval aswell as who is mean and cruel to you… it’s very confusing and very powerful.
Also try and work on your self love to build up your self esteem again, like you said you were once able to stand your corner… so what’s changed, find this power in you again.
I always recommend reading or listening to Louise Hay, You Can Heal Your Life… this will give you some tools for self love and help strengthen your boundaries as to what you do and don’t find acceptable and get the wheels in motion for the life you really deserve.
The fact that you have acknowledged what is going on and have an awareness is great… don’t give up hope… step back into your power … you’ve got this!
Sending you continued love and support
Darcy xx

[Silverbirch]

Hello Rose1, what you wrote was so familiar to me. You described exactly the experience of living with an abusive person and the impact it has. I echo what Catjam, Darcy and Beachhut say. I would add the book Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. Each aspect of what you described is summed up in characters like The Bully , The Headworker, The King of the Castle, The Jailer, and so on. These are illustrated with sketches and sayings. So it makes it simple to see the cumulative effect all of these strategies have on us – until we start to see through it, that is. Every bit of knowledge you gain, through groups or reading or therapy or online forums, is reclaiming your self awareness, your identity and your power. You can do this. I know that’s true because I managed to, women on this forum have managed to, and women all over the world have managed to. Your fear is a natural response to living under threat. It is telling you something. Listen to it. Xx

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