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My husband and I are separated, and we had agreed that (detail removed by Moderator) was his day with the kids. He texted the day before saying how much he was missing the kids (having only seen them (detail removed by Moderator) before anyway) to ask when he should come round, and I said he could be here from any time after their usual waking up time – which as we all know is crack of dawn. He didn’t reply to that message… it gets to (detail removed by Moderator) and I message him asking when he might actually arrive, it takes him (detail removed by Moderator) to reply saying he’ll be another (detail removed by Moderator) or so. He is then even later than that. I have a nice time playing with the kids, only marred by them frequently asking when he’s going to be there. When he eventually does turn up I point out he’s missed half his day with them, and he says “well you never gave me a time to come”
Given really, he’s the one that misses out on precious time with the little ones, why am I feeling so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so cross?
Please help me unpick why this has managed to provoke such strong emotions and help me to stop wasting my energy on him
thanks x*x
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His sense of entitlement and lack of thought to the children and wanting to spend time with them?
We mothers always put our children first. I’ve yet to see an abusive man do that. I’ll reserve my opinions on non-abusive men as I do think it is a male/female thing too. BUT it is definitely a THING with abusive men.
I think recognising it and being curious as to why it is evoking strong feelings is a massive step to not having them as time goes on. If that makes sense?
Hugs. x -
He’s probably doing this on purpose? My ex certainly did this to exert control ? So if you complain about it he will say come on your being petty xx plus he will know the kids will be hyped up and asking about him it’s for attention and it’s for control it is annoying and it’s not very convenient considering there’s always other things you could be doing asides waiting around for him xx I’d say to him set times from now on for continuity plus it’s better for the kids xx
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oh my days! i remember this in my relationship (contact is stopped atm)
This is CLASSIC abuser behaviour. He cannot annoy you, so he uses the kids to get to you!
making out he misses them (so you feel bad for keeping them with you)
asking when he can see them (so you reply)
doesnt respond straight away (keeping the control on his side, making YOU wait)
you respond with “anytime” and this gives him the upper hand of making you wait 4 him again!it is all about control, him controlling you.
i attempted set days and times, which were broken many times- i then started saying if he didnt come within the agreed times i would stop contaact all together because kids were being hurt through his power plays,
(detail removed by Moderator)everything is a power play to them- even their kids! its disgusting and maddening at the same time!
i feel your pain- if you must make contact arrangements- do so through messages (keep logs of messages, including any problems, late pick ups or drop offs, etc)
this will help you if it ever goes to court- do not come accross as angry or agressive, but assertive
“you can collect the kids on sunday at 10am and return them by 4pm, you can give them lunch, but i will feed them breakfast and tea” etc etc…
thats what i had to do at the start. make it clear you are willing to be polite but not take s**t, if he keeps trying to rearrange contact- state that you have plans with the children and he should stick to his days, if he starts being a (detail removed by Moderator) about showing up at 10.15 when you say 10am – again this shows his power play- take the kids to the park out of the house by 10.10 and remind him his contact time is 10am ( this all happened with my ex and i was told by womens aid and police to state this)
it helped for a small time he would collect and drop off at the correct times…maybe it will help you- i would get a prohibited steps order though it stops him from removing kids from your care or school without your consent and ensures he returns them on tim e( as having parental responsibility he does not have to return them, then you will find yourself going to court to have access to your children) luckily my ex was stupid enough to put his threats in writing on social media.
i hope this helps.
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thank you thank you thank you all of you, that was such an amazing collection of responses!! Totally stopped my head from popping.
I also found it funny that “crack of dawn” got automatically starred out – gave me quite the mental image of a lady called Dawn…hahaha
You ladies make me feel so much better that it’s not all in my head.
A bit of me had been thinking that maybe we should try couples counselling and see if we could get back together (which he is pushing hard for), but now I am wondering if actually he hasn’t changed at all.I am hating being a single mum, I wish this wasn’t happening. Feels like my wishful thinking might make me quite vulnerable…
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