Why am I so irrational?!

[Brudge123]

I left an emotionally abusive relationship a while ago and have now started a new relationship with a really lovely guy. I told him from the start about my past relationship and he has done so much to support me, learn and avoid my triggers and generally be a really nice guy. It feels really great, and I can’t believe I have found someone that I care this much about when I thought I’d never be able to love again.
The trouble is, I’m normally very pragmatic and level-headed but sometimes I behave like a total crazy lady and react really irrationally to things. For example; current man is moving house, I have known he was trying to move since we started dating, but when he told me he had put an offer on a house it really upset me. This was days ago and I’m still really upset by it. I can’t figure out why this would upset me!?
There have been plenty of other things like this too; like he doesn’t text me back soon enough, or he looks even slightly sad whilst we are together. It’s irrational, but send me into a bit of a tail spin. I only see him 2-3 times a week and I have an active social life and lots of support when he’s not around, so I don’t feel I’m using him as a crutch, I’m just scared I’m going to mess it up.
I’ve had counselling through a DA charity, but can’t afford or access therapy (I have tried). What can I do to help myself rationalise and make sure I don’t let my fear of spoiling things with this new guy translate into me actually spoiling things!
Are there any good resources you have found to help understand the affect of an abusive relationship on future relationships?
Thanks

[Lisa]

Good evening Brudge123,

Firstly, I am so pleased to hear that you have found a new loving and healthy relationship. I’m sorry to hear of the effect that your experience of abuse is having on this new relationship, I can imagine it’s very frustrating and distressing to be triggered in these ways and feel scared or confused in regards to where these feelings are coming from.

Have you been able to discuss your experience with your new partner? Is he supportive and does he have an understanding of the dynamics of abuse and what you might have been through? It’s important that a new partner is able to remain patient, sensitive and offer empathy, as what you’ve been through is not your fault and it will take time to adjust to a new, healthier dynamic.

You mention that you are not able to access therapy although you have tried to do so, in this case I’m sure you’ve spoken to your GP in regards to a referral as well as looking into local services/charities who offer free or low cost therapy? It sounds like it could be very helpful for you to talk through your experience and make connections between this and responses to situations arising in your new relationship.

DV services sometimes also offer workshops, support groups or programmes for those further along in their healing journey, so it may be worth reaching out to them again to discuss this. There are also listening services such as the Samaritans if you feel it would be helpful to talk things through with someone.

It’s a very personal and individual experience and there should be no pressure to commit to a new relationship before you are ready. Sometimes it can be very important to take time for yourself, to learn what you want in any new relationship going forward and to fully recover from the trauma you’ve experienced. A non-abusive and respectful potential partner should completely understand this.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Wants To Help]

Hi Brudge,

You are not irrational, you are just suffering the after effects of an abusive relationship. You may know some of the things that trigger you, but other things that trigger you may lurk below the surface and surprise you.

I’m no psychiatrist/psychologist at all, but I do wonder if the fact that this man is in the process of moving house has triggered some concern that he may leave you? Is he moving further away? Will the move take up more of his time meaning he will have less time for you? Do you fear he could move on in other ways and move on from you too? There was some element of ‘security’ there for you when he had that home, but now that security is going it triggers insecurities in other areas.

I’ve mentioned You Tube videos by Matthew Hussey a bit on other threads lately and I have to say he has some really good videos about relationship advice that I can recommend. One is called ‘Is Your Anxiety Sabotaging Your Relationship’ and it explains really well how our fears and our ‘wounds’ can mess up future relationships. He explains how a good partner cannot heal our wounds but gives us the space and reassurance where we can heal our own wounds, but also, how our anxiety can become ‘weapons’ and how these are used to ‘attack’ our partner. He has lots of videos between 4-7 minutes long and I’ve learned so much from these over the past few months. Take a look at this one and see if it helps with some of the things you have mentioned. He makes lots of sense. Mind you, I could just watch him with the sound down too… 😉

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