This topic contains 8 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  Queenie 1 month ago.

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  • #75993
     Queenie 
    Participant

    I have allowed my oh to manipuate me by being nice and allowing some intimate contact. He now thinks my plans to seperate have been forgotten and I do actually want us to stay together. How do I ensure that it is still happening. All advice welcome x*x

  • #75997
     EbonyRaven 
    Participant

    Keep working toward it in your own way. This moment that happened, sadly it doesn’t change all those other moments that were painful, shameful, exhausting and hurtful.

    If you’re worried that you’ve given him some false expectations, please remember that he did that to you by promising to love and cherish you, but he did it over, and over again.

    There was a time when intimate contact formed part of a whole, and we can let ourselves think it is a soothing thing, a loving thing. We’re very vulnerable when we have realised what the reality really is, and are preparing ourselves to move on. It’s easy then to fall for what presents itself as comfort, what masquerades as love.

    The important thing is you, protecting you, growing you, and moving you into a better, calmer, happier place. He forfeited the right to complain about hurt feelings (if he actually, really has feelings and isn’t just acting like he thinks feelings should look); he forfeited that right when he abused you once.

    He has given that right up over and over again.

  • #75998
     Queenie 
    Participant

    OMG I didn’t look at it like that but everything you have said is true. It helps me to put it in perspective, thank you

  • #75999
     Queenie 
    Participant

    Does anyone know how to get rid of the pop up chat research message. It won’t shift and is blocking most of my screen

  • #76000
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Hi Queenie, not sure how to get rid of it. Look for the little ‘x’ in a corner? I just wanted to add that he knows and senses your vulnerability. You were right about his manipulation and that’s why zero contact is so important. Be very careful when you confirm that it’s still over because he will use this intimate contact to degrade you, make you feel guilty and he will accuse you of leading him on, giving him false hope blah blah blah. Don’t forget the reasons you’re ending things x

  • #76001
     Lisa 
    Main Moderator

    Hi Queenie

    Just wanted to let you know that i am aware of this issue with the chat research message and it is being looked into, sorry for the inconvenience while we sort it out.

    Best Wishes

    Lisa

  • #76002
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Use it as a false sense of security for him. Let it fool him into thinking you’re back on track to staying but continue with your plans. It’s only a bit of comfort at the end of the day, put your wall back up again. I had sex with my oh more out of gratitude because I mistakenly thought he realised we were over, it was easier to do it somehow. All it did was make him think I’d changed my mind and he still continued being rotten. That was the only time ive`done it really willingly because I felt he understood we were through and it was okay to let my defences down. any other time it was out of duty and not willingly. Try not to let it make you feel you’ve given in. Don’t feel bad if you enjoyed it either. We do what we do to survive
    Best wishes IWMB 💕💕

    • #76068
       Queenie 
      Participant

      Thank you Lisa. I have filled in the questionnaire but the box is still on my screen and no amount of tapping the cross in the corner will get rid of it. Qx

  • #76062
     Queenie 
    Participant

    Thank you all for the understanding. It really helps me to believe I am on the right track. The behaviours youve described are exactly how he does behave which reaffirms to me the knowledge that he is an abuser. I know that he is but I had no idea there were were so many others with the exact same traits. I cannot change the fact that he is abusive..I know Ive tried but I can and have changed the fact that I am a victim. I see now that it really doesn’t matter what he says and thinks of me or our relationship because in my head and my heart I know what he is. It is just a case of getting by until my new place is ready. Again, many thanks xx

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