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My ex and I aren’t together and haven’t been for a few years now. Because we have kids together, I’m forced to communicate with him as it relates to them. All our communication is written/electronic so we never actually speak on the phone or face to face which is great. When it comes to communicating with him via email etc he cycles between sending a one word response (“thanks”, “ok”), or sending absolutely no response at all. Recently I sent him an update about a new exciting activity one of our children would be participating in and he sent absolutely no response at all. On occasion he’ll send a polite response but those are few and far between. My question is, why does this stuff still bother me? I don’t want him back, I’m happy with my life and I am glad I left him. I just feel it’s so rude to send a one word response or no response to the woman who is busting her behind day in and day out to raise your children in a happy & healthy loving home. I guess this is just still part of his abuse? Is this just another form of his silent treatment? That was one of his main abuse tactics when we were together.
I’m not distraught over his one word responses but sometimes it just really irritates me. I’m also not surprised by his one word responses. He’s the same abusive man I left. But I’m wondering, shouldn’t I be totally over this by now? Do you ever get over it? At this point, a few years out, shouldn’t I be able to just laugh it off whenever he doesn’t respond or sends a one word response? I would like for it to not bother me at all. I am frustrated that it still bothers me at times. How do I get to a place where the one word or no response doesn’t bother me even in the slightest? Or is that simply unrealistic and am I expecting too much of myself?
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Hi SingleMomSurvivor
My question to you would be to wonder why you are still bearing the mental load for him.
Quite rightly, as you say, you are not friends, you don’t communicate with him other than the children and communications should be limited to that alone, but you are giving so much more to him in taking time and energy out of your days to keep him appraised of all that is going on in the children’s lives. Thats hard work and time that you need to keep for you and your children. It can be a habit hard to break, and done for the children, but actually, you are doing it for him still.
I bet loads of us do it, have done it, its about promoting him and his role as a father, but he’s an adult and should be doing this for himself. We want them to be better than they are, for the sake of the children, but we need to face all the facts of who he is being. So from letting them know what presents would hit the spot for birthdays/christmasses, to what latest thing they are enrolling in at school, its all effort that belongs on his doorstep, not yours. Give yourself a break, and keep it clipped. If he wants to know anything he can ask right? Step right back, and leave it to him to be the father or not.
I think its perhaps something that we all had has mums with our abusers, sharing whats been happening for the children, and because it child-focussed its one of the long-lingering efforts we continue. With happy healthy co-parenting, IDK, maybe there would be a bit more of this toing and froing of generalised info around the children’s lives, but is he doing legwork and mental labour for you? mmmmm.
warmest wishes
ts
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Thank you for this!! It gave me lots to think about. So the event that I informed him about was something that I am court ordered to share with him. I typically don’t give him day to day updates on what’s going on with the kids. One thing I have been doing that I will stop doing after reading your messages is sending overnight bags with the kids. For my youngest child I always snows over some pajamas and their toothbrush and toothpaste. But he is supposed to have his own supply of stuff for the kids and I am not obligated to supply him with anything. I think I worry that if I don’t send over these things, my youngest will go without having their teeth brushed or won’t have any pjs to wear. But I totally get what you’re saying about me continuing to pick up the slack even though he and I are no longer together. It’s hard to let my kids go without when I know I could just send over what they need. But you are absolutely right that this is something I need to stop doing. I will make that change immediately. Thank you for this ❤️❤️❤️
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oh I’m sorry for saying that when you had no choice in the matter, and are court ordered to update him, and it is very unsettling/upsetting knowing that your children are not looked after by their father as well as they are tended to by you. Its a self-care issue for children to learn routine care of themselves, which they won’t realise at this point, but just to get into the habit.
As for them having an overnight bag, to a degree they may need things from yours to go with them, and bring back again, but no, not if its making up for his deficits, only if its for the children. Its tricky because there need to be two sets of everything for them, and quite a challenge for them to have the things they need all the time, especially when going to and fro school, or clubs for instance. Its good for them to have their own bag when they travel, i’d support that, but their bag of belongings rather than picking up all he drops.
I’m glad that in a round about way you feel its helped some.
warmest wishes
ts
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This makes sense! The things I’ve been sending are things that I’m assuming he doesn’t have. You are right that it is not my responsibility to carry the parental weight for both him and me. I will make this change immediately and I think it will help me to feel more empowered. Im learning that it really is a continuous process of undoing and unlearning after leaving an abuser. Undoing some of my old ways of thinking and interacting with him, stepping further and further back, allowing him to be whatever type of father he chooses to be and not trying to cover up his deficits. Thank you so much you have no idea just how much you’ve helped me!!!
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The other thing that makes zero sense to me is just why, why does he continue on with the silent treatment? We are no longer together, we’ve both moved on, we play no part in each other’s lives other than the minimal contact we have in regards to the kids. He seems happy from what I can tell. What is the point of not responding to important messages about the kids? The messages he’s not responding to are not minor things, but are things I’m court mandated to inform him about…and then he just doesn’t respond. It’s very bizarre. Does he think it will still upset me to the same degree it did when we were together? Is he trying to bait me for a reaction? I pretty much ignore him completely when we do exchanges – I give the kids a quick goodbye, no eye contact with him, I don’t speak to him etc. Is this ongoing silent treatment thing his form of punishment? It’s just all so dumb truly dumb. Who can ever understand the mind of an abuser
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For sure, noone wants to get inside the mind of an abuser, its a very dark place, not worth a visit!
It will be a powerplay for him of some sort. He honed his abuses to know exactly how to upset you, trip you up, humiliate you, he knew all the buttons to press so expertly, and perhaps he’s grandstanding that, peacocking. Its pathetic though isn’t it. You fulfill your requirement and thats all you need to do.
They are like water aren’t they, they find any little crevice to weasel into, its all a display.
The alternative is that its something that he demanded be court ordered at the time, but actually didn’t really give a d**n about, but has you running round doing all the work and that keeps him happy.
Probs best to not go into that side of things anyway, but you’ve got this I’m sure.
warmest wishes
ts
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